3-18-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Yes, spring is early this year
“So spring is here,
the grass is ‘ris,
I wonder where
my blanket is.”
And, we could STILL HAVE LATE SNOWFALL
You say your teenage driver doesn’t like to shovel the driveway when it’s over 5 inches?
Just tell them, “You’re welcome to borrow the car… after you shovel the drive.”
A Rochester visitor asks
“Is this a healthy place?”
Native: “I’ll say it is! Why when I cam here I couldn’t speak a word. I hardly had a hair on my head and I wasn’t strong enough to walk across a room. Why, I even had to be lifted out of bed.”
Visitor: “That’s fantastic. How long have you lived here?”
Native: “I was born here.”
If all the cars in the world
were placed end to end, 90% of the drivers will eventually pull out to pass the car ahead. Oh, yes, they’ll make a RIGHT at the next corner (sure happens to me!!).
Did Spring… Spring the Chicks?
Looking for signs of spring the second-grade class was studying pictures fo bird’s nests and baby chicks. A little boy asked, “Teacher, how do the chicks get out of the shell?”
Before the teacher could answer, another boy spoke up, “No sweat! I’ve seen them get out of the shell. What I want to know is, how did they ever get in there.”
Been listening to political ‘sound bites’?
Have you noticed the speeches are a lot like buying a big appliance? There are infinite promises with limited warranties.
And when you put…
the words, “the” and “IRS” together… it spells “Theirs.”
Spring is when a young man’s fancy turns to…
thinking about their beautiful relationship. He decided to pop the question and began thoughtfully, “There comes a time in every man’s life when he requires a companion, one who will look up to him, follow him with devotion and will be at his side when in need. Susan, I need that companion now.”
A smile of understanding lit up her face. “Wonderful,” she exclaimed, “what kind of dog are you going to get?”
Thought for the day
“The tragedy of life doesn’t lie in not reaching your goals. The tragedy lies in not setting a goal to reach.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
March 11th, 2008
3-11-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
It’s time for both…
Golf is like taxes: You drive hard to get to the green… and you end up in the hole.
Golfer: “How would you have played that shot?”
Caddy: “Under an assumed name.”
Figuring out your income tax is a lesson in addition, subtraction and extraction.
St. Paddy’s Day is the 17th so… Murphy’s Law
- In order to get a loan… you must first prove you don’t need it.
- When a broken appliance is demonstrated for a repairman… it WILL work fine.
- Everyone has a scheme for getting rich… that will ONLY work for them.
- All warranties expire… on the day of the last payment.
And it’s basketball season
The reporter was interviewing the coach.
“Do you like ALL you players to be tall?”
“Well, a player’s height isn’t important to me as long as his ears pop when he sits down.”
You know you’re getting older when…
- You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
- You wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
- You sit down to eat breakfast and hear a snap, crackle, pop… and you’re not eating ceareal.
- You wonder how you could be over the hill. When were you even on top of it?
A clown’s prayer…
As I stumble through this life, help me to create more laughter than tears, dispense more cheer than gloom and spread more cheer than despair.
Never let me become so indifferent that I fail to see the wonder in the eyes of a child or the twinkle in the eyes of the aged.
Never let me forget that my total effort is to cheer people, make them happy and forget momentarily the unpleasantness in their lives.
And, in my final moment, may I hear You whisper, “When you made My creation smile, you make Me smile.” (Smiles Unlimited Clown Ministry) The Editor of this column’s oldest son is National Chaplain.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
It’s time for both…
Golf is like taxes: You drive hard to get to the green… and you end up in the hole.
Golfer: “How would you have played that shot?”
Caddy: “Under an assumed name.”
Figuring out your income tax is a lesson in addition, subtraction and extraction.
St. Paddy’s Day is the 17th so… Murphy’s Law
- In order to get a loan… you must first prove you don’t need it.
- When a broken appliance is demonstrated for a repairman… it WILL work fine.
- Everyone has a scheme for getting rich… that will ONLY work for them.
- All warranties expire… on the day of the last payment.
And it’s basketball season
The reporter was interviewing the coach.
“Do you like ALL you players to be tall?”
“Well, a player’s height isn’t important to me as long as his ears pop when he sits down.”
You know you’re getting older when…
- You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
- You wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
- You sit down to eat breakfast and hear a snap, crackle, pop… and you’re not eating ceareal.
- You wonder how you could be over the hill. When were you even on top of it?
A clown’s prayer…
As I stumble through this life, help me to create more laughter than tears, dispense more cheer than gloom and spread more cheer than despair.
Never let me become so indifferent that I fail to see the wonder in the eyes of a child or the twinkle in the eyes of the aged.
Never let me forget that my total effort is to cheer people, make them happy and forget momentarily the unpleasantness in their lives.
And, in my final moment, may I hear You whisper, “When you made My creation smile, you make Me smile.” (Smiles Unlimited Clown Ministry) The Editor of this column’s oldest son is National Chaplain.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
March 4th, 2008
3-04-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
WHILE TAKING HER FIRST DRIVING LESSON…
the older lady complained to the instructor “This little mirror up here just isn’t right.”
“What’s wrong with it, Mrs. Jones?”
“Well, I just can’t see a think in it… except that car following me.”
---
NOW, THE TEEN-AGED DRIVER…
was always asking his parents if he could borrow the family car.
Pushed to the limit, his Dad shot back, “why do you think the Almighty gave you two feet?”
Without hesitation the son replied, “How about breaks and acceleration?”
---
SO, THE MALE MOTORIST SUDDENLY STOPPED…
as the light changed to yellow. His rear bumper got bumped by the close following car. He got out and, seeing there wasn’t too much damage, glared at the man driving the other car, climbed back in and drove off.
At the next light, the same thing happened caused by the same driver. This time he apologized and held out his driver’s license.
“Look,” the victim said. “All I want from you is to give me a five minute head start.”
---
FOR THE “SIZE CHALLENGED”…
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are “XL”? Doesn’t stand for “Energy Center” either.
---
AND BACK TO DRIVING…
A person is trying to find a place to park, and, after 20 minutes circling the black, parks illegally leaving a note under his car windshield wiper reading: “I have circled this block for 20 minutes. I am late for a meeting and if I don’t park here… now, I will lose my job. ‘Forgive us our trespasses!”
When the person returned he found a ticket accompanied by a return note: “I have circled this block for 20 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I will lose my job. ‘Lead us not into temptation.’”
---
AN ‘INTERNATIONAL’ FUNNY PUNNY…
Have you heard about the latest trouble near Turkey? Well, a group of people, the Kurds, want to have their own country, Kurdistan.
Unfortunately, Turkey isn’t willing to give them the land. Result? The ‘Curds’ won’t get their ‘whey.’ (Apology to Little Miss Muffet.)
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
WHILE TAKING HER FIRST DRIVING LESSON…
the older lady complained to the instructor “This little mirror up here just isn’t right.”
“What’s wrong with it, Mrs. Jones?”
“Well, I just can’t see a think in it… except that car following me.”
---
NOW, THE TEEN-AGED DRIVER…
was always asking his parents if he could borrow the family car.
Pushed to the limit, his Dad shot back, “why do you think the Almighty gave you two feet?”
Without hesitation the son replied, “How about breaks and acceleration?”
---
SO, THE MALE MOTORIST SUDDENLY STOPPED…
as the light changed to yellow. His rear bumper got bumped by the close following car. He got out and, seeing there wasn’t too much damage, glared at the man driving the other car, climbed back in and drove off.
At the next light, the same thing happened caused by the same driver. This time he apologized and held out his driver’s license.
“Look,” the victim said. “All I want from you is to give me a five minute head start.”
---
FOR THE “SIZE CHALLENGED”…
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are “XL”? Doesn’t stand for “Energy Center” either.
---
AND BACK TO DRIVING…
A person is trying to find a place to park, and, after 20 minutes circling the black, parks illegally leaving a note under his car windshield wiper reading: “I have circled this block for 20 minutes. I am late for a meeting and if I don’t park here… now, I will lose my job. ‘Forgive us our trespasses!”
When the person returned he found a ticket accompanied by a return note: “I have circled this block for 20 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I will lose my job. ‘Lead us not into temptation.’”
---
AN ‘INTERNATIONAL’ FUNNY PUNNY…
Have you heard about the latest trouble near Turkey? Well, a group of people, the Kurds, want to have their own country, Kurdistan.
Unfortunately, Turkey isn’t willing to give them the land. Result? The ‘Curds’ won’t get their ‘whey.’ (Apology to Little Miss Muffet.)
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Friday, February 29, 2008
February 29th, 2008
2-29-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Did you hear about the teacher who…
was arrested while trying to board an airplane with a compass, a protractor and a calculator? he was charged with carrying weapons of mass instruction.
---
A Lenten self-exam
To understand yourself…use your head.
To understand others… use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
Beautiful young people are an act of nature, but beautiful old people are a work of art.
---
You know you’re getting old when…
* you tell people on your birthday that, like Jack Benny, you’re always 39… and nobody knows who Benny was.
* you wake up at 3 a.m. to use the bathroom and check your emails on the way back to bed.
* you’ve learned that being kind is more important than being right.
---
Any ol Leonardo will do…
A third grader excitedly walked up to the media center advisor,
“Do you have any books about Leonardo DiCaprio?”
Mrs. Hall replied, “Oh, that heartthrob from Titanic? No, I’m sorry.”
“Well, where are the biographies please. Maybe I can find something.”
After searching the shelves, the third grader returned to report.
“Guess this will have to do,” as she sadly showed the book cover of her second choice: Leonardo Da Vinci.
---
Insight… if needed
* Depression is merely anger… without enthusiasm.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left before we met.
* When everything’s coming your way… you’re in the wrong lane.
---
Practice makes purrrfect
A young salesman was looking very depressed the second day on the job.
“Come on, don’t be so glum his manager said. “Don’t worry, with experience you’ll gt the hang of it. Did you practice that fantastic sales pitch I gave you yesterday?”
“That’s the problem,” said the young salesman, “I practiced on my drive home, then gave the pitch to my wife.”
“So what did you think of your presentation,” asked the manager.
“Well… after practicing my sales pitch on her, I’ve got to buy HER a $500 vacuum cleaner.
---
Abraham Lincoln
“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Did you hear about the teacher who…
was arrested while trying to board an airplane with a compass, a protractor and a calculator? he was charged with carrying weapons of mass instruction.
---
A Lenten self-exam
To understand yourself…use your head.
To understand others… use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
Beautiful young people are an act of nature, but beautiful old people are a work of art.
---
You know you’re getting old when…
* you tell people on your birthday that, like Jack Benny, you’re always 39… and nobody knows who Benny was.
* you wake up at 3 a.m. to use the bathroom and check your emails on the way back to bed.
* you’ve learned that being kind is more important than being right.
---
Any ol Leonardo will do…
A third grader excitedly walked up to the media center advisor,
“Do you have any books about Leonardo DiCaprio?”
Mrs. Hall replied, “Oh, that heartthrob from Titanic? No, I’m sorry.”
“Well, where are the biographies please. Maybe I can find something.”
After searching the shelves, the third grader returned to report.
“Guess this will have to do,” as she sadly showed the book cover of her second choice: Leonardo Da Vinci.
---
Insight… if needed
* Depression is merely anger… without enthusiasm.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left before we met.
* When everything’s coming your way… you’re in the wrong lane.
---
Practice makes purrrfect
A young salesman was looking very depressed the second day on the job.
“Come on, don’t be so glum his manager said. “Don’t worry, with experience you’ll gt the hang of it. Did you practice that fantastic sales pitch I gave you yesterday?”
“That’s the problem,” said the young salesman, “I practiced on my drive home, then gave the pitch to my wife.”
“So what did you think of your presentation,” asked the manager.
“Well… after practicing my sales pitch on her, I’ve got to buy HER a $500 vacuum cleaner.
---
Abraham Lincoln
“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Friday, February 22, 2008
February 22nd, 2008
2-22-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Little George Washington said to his Father, “If I never tell a lie, how can I grow up to be president?”
---
How Strange…
Abraham Lincoln walked 8 miles to borrow a book. Now, they close the library on Presidents Day.
---
And for Valentine’s Day…
To her date: “Isn’t this romantic? This is just like Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. My Dad hates you.”
---
Cupid’s arrow hit twice…
As the little boy came home from school and asked his mother, “I got Valentine’s cards from TWO girls. Is that against the law?”
---
What’s a minute worth???
A constituent called his congressman and asked, “How long does it take the government to spend 10 billion dollars?”
The congressman, who was busy on another line, said, “Just a minute.”
The constituent replied, “That’s what I thought,” and hung up.
---
What a shocking development!!!
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe and one to put the alarm clock in the bathtub.
How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but they have to do it while you eat dinner.
---
And a flush beats a dog’s full house?
A tourist goes into a café and there’s a dog sitting in a chair playing poker. He says to the waitress, “Is that dog really playing poker?”
She replied, “Yes, but he’s not too good. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts to wag his tail.”
---
Part one: A Minnesotan guide to computer lingo
Log on: makin da vood stove hotter
Log off: don’t add no more vood.
Monitor: keep an eye on da vood stove.
Megahertz: vend a big log drops on your bare voot in da morning.
Ram: da hydraulic thing dat makes da voodsplitter work.
Hard Drive: getting home during most of the winter.
(computer geeks are welcome to add daffynitions) Note: your editor is illiterate in THIS language.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Little George Washington said to his Father, “If I never tell a lie, how can I grow up to be president?”
---
How Strange…
Abraham Lincoln walked 8 miles to borrow a book. Now, they close the library on Presidents Day.
---
And for Valentine’s Day…
To her date: “Isn’t this romantic? This is just like Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. My Dad hates you.”
---
Cupid’s arrow hit twice…
As the little boy came home from school and asked his mother, “I got Valentine’s cards from TWO girls. Is that against the law?”
---
What’s a minute worth???
A constituent called his congressman and asked, “How long does it take the government to spend 10 billion dollars?”
The congressman, who was busy on another line, said, “Just a minute.”
The constituent replied, “That’s what I thought,” and hung up.
---
What a shocking development!!!
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe and one to put the alarm clock in the bathtub.
How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but they have to do it while you eat dinner.
---
And a flush beats a dog’s full house?
A tourist goes into a café and there’s a dog sitting in a chair playing poker. He says to the waitress, “Is that dog really playing poker?”
She replied, “Yes, but he’s not too good. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts to wag his tail.”
---
Part one: A Minnesotan guide to computer lingo
Log on: makin da vood stove hotter
Log off: don’t add no more vood.
Monitor: keep an eye on da vood stove.
Megahertz: vend a big log drops on your bare voot in da morning.
Ram: da hydraulic thing dat makes da voodsplitter work.
Hard Drive: getting home during most of the winter.
(computer geeks are welcome to add daffynitions) Note: your editor is illiterate in THIS language.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
February 12th, 2008
2-12-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
‘Can Hardly Wait…
“Madame fortune teller, tell me, are there golf courses in heaven?”
“I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”
“What’s the good news?
“The good news is that the golf courses in heaven are beautiful beyond anything you could imagine!”
“That’s wonderful.”
“…And you’ll be teeing off at 8:30 tomorrow morning.”
---
How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
Two – one to change it and one not to change it.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A light bulb? None – that’s a software problem.
How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes 10 years.
---
The Big Heart-Shaped Valentine Box…
A box of candy was left at the door of the 7-year old girl by her admirer. The note attached said, “To Susan, with all my allowance…”
---
‘Much Snow in the Driveway?
The best device for clearing it is a 17-year-old who needs the car for a date.
---
Classified Classics
Help wanted: “We don’t want the people who swim with sharks. We want the sharks.
For sale: “Stair-stepper with exercise video. Equiptment new, owner old.”
Notice: “Heaven-sent Nursing Service is now under new management.”
---
The Rest of the Story…
The Sunday School teacher had on a pretty new dress and ALL the 5-year-olds gave their approval… except for Mary. Finally, she remarked thoughtfully: “We had to bring pennies lots of Sundays before you could buy it, right, Mrs. Smith?”
---
What they didn’t know but…
The elderly (and wealthy) man had a hearing problem known to all. So he went to a specialist and purchased a hearing aid. In a few weeks, he went back to have an adjustment made and was asked how his family felt about it.
“Well I never told them I got a hearing aid. I just sat and listened. So far I’ve changed my will three times.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
‘Can Hardly Wait…
“Madame fortune teller, tell me, are there golf courses in heaven?”
“I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”
“What’s the good news?
“The good news is that the golf courses in heaven are beautiful beyond anything you could imagine!”
“That’s wonderful.”
“…And you’ll be teeing off at 8:30 tomorrow morning.”
---
How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
Two – one to change it and one not to change it.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A light bulb? None – that’s a software problem.
How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes 10 years.
---
The Big Heart-Shaped Valentine Box…
A box of candy was left at the door of the 7-year old girl by her admirer. The note attached said, “To Susan, with all my allowance…”
---
‘Much Snow in the Driveway?
The best device for clearing it is a 17-year-old who needs the car for a date.
---
Classified Classics
Help wanted: “We don’t want the people who swim with sharks. We want the sharks.
For sale: “Stair-stepper with exercise video. Equiptment new, owner old.”
Notice: “Heaven-sent Nursing Service is now under new management.”
---
The Rest of the Story…
The Sunday School teacher had on a pretty new dress and ALL the 5-year-olds gave their approval… except for Mary. Finally, she remarked thoughtfully: “We had to bring pennies lots of Sundays before you could buy it, right, Mrs. Smith?”
---
What they didn’t know but…
The elderly (and wealthy) man had a hearing problem known to all. So he went to a specialist and purchased a hearing aid. In a few weeks, he went back to have an adjustment made and was asked how his family felt about it.
“Well I never told them I got a hearing aid. I just sat and listened. So far I’ve changed my will three times.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
February 5th, 2008
2-05-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
The sky’s the limit…
An ardent young man sent an email to his sweatheart in the next town. It said in part: “My love for you is so great! For you, I would swim the deepest river; for you, I would climb the highest mountain, dash through fire, or fight wild beasts. I would do all of this, for you.”
P.S. “If it doesn’t snow, I’ll be over about 7:00 Saturday night.”
---
Real Kid Talk…
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“One brother.”
“How many would you like to have?”
“Three sisters and three brothers.”
What do your mother and dad say when you tell them that?”
“Nothing. They just sit and laugh.”
And…
“Any brothers or sisters?”
“No.”
“Which would you like to have?”
“A sister.”
“Why?”
“Because she could make the beds, do the dishes and run errands for me.”
“You don’t want a sister… you want a slave.”
“Yes, that’s right.”
---
National Beauty Salon Week (Feb. 9th)
Woman one: “She’s a decided blonde, isn’t she?”
Woman two: “Yes, but she only decided recently.”
---
When the guest speaker asked the MC how long to speak, he was told to watch for audience response. “If you haven’t struck oil in five minutes,” said the MC “quit boring.”
---
A Valentine Mood…
Do you carrot all for me? My heart beets for you.
With your turnip hair and your radish hair, you’re a peach.
If we cantaloupe, lettuce marry.
We’ll make a great pear.
---
Style or substance?...
Policeman: “Did you get the license number of the car that hit your car, madam?
Woman: “No, but the driver was wearing a three-piece tweed suit lined with pink crepe.
Oh, and she hadon a periwinkle hat trimmed with red roses.”
---
Getting your money’s worth…
The repairman came in to fix a very complex computer. He made some tests, checked it over, pulled out a screwdriver, found a certain small crew and turned it an eighth of an inch.
The unit started to hum.
The repairman made out a bill for $300 and handed it to the accountant.
He huffed and said, “$300 is sure a lot for a simple repair.”
In response, the repairman drew up a new bill: Turning a screw 1/8 inch to the right - $.50.
Knowing which screw to turn which way - $299.50.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
The sky’s the limit…
An ardent young man sent an email to his sweatheart in the next town. It said in part: “My love for you is so great! For you, I would swim the deepest river; for you, I would climb the highest mountain, dash through fire, or fight wild beasts. I would do all of this, for you.”
P.S. “If it doesn’t snow, I’ll be over about 7:00 Saturday night.”
---
Real Kid Talk…
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“One brother.”
“How many would you like to have?”
“Three sisters and three brothers.”
What do your mother and dad say when you tell them that?”
“Nothing. They just sit and laugh.”
And…
“Any brothers or sisters?”
“No.”
“Which would you like to have?”
“A sister.”
“Why?”
“Because she could make the beds, do the dishes and run errands for me.”
“You don’t want a sister… you want a slave.”
“Yes, that’s right.”
---
National Beauty Salon Week (Feb. 9th)
Woman one: “She’s a decided blonde, isn’t she?”
Woman two: “Yes, but she only decided recently.”
---
When the guest speaker asked the MC how long to speak, he was told to watch for audience response. “If you haven’t struck oil in five minutes,” said the MC “quit boring.”
---
A Valentine Mood…
Do you carrot all for me? My heart beets for you.
With your turnip hair and your radish hair, you’re a peach.
If we cantaloupe, lettuce marry.
We’ll make a great pear.
---
Style or substance?...
Policeman: “Did you get the license number of the car that hit your car, madam?
Woman: “No, but the driver was wearing a three-piece tweed suit lined with pink crepe.
Oh, and she hadon a periwinkle hat trimmed with red roses.”
---
Getting your money’s worth…
The repairman came in to fix a very complex computer. He made some tests, checked it over, pulled out a screwdriver, found a certain small crew and turned it an eighth of an inch.
The unit started to hum.
The repairman made out a bill for $300 and handed it to the accountant.
He huffed and said, “$300 is sure a lot for a simple repair.”
In response, the repairman drew up a new bill: Turning a screw 1/8 inch to the right - $.50.
Knowing which screw to turn which way - $299.50.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
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