10-13-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
I'LL NEVER GO TO A FOOTBALL GAME (EXCUSES)
1. Every time I went to a game, they asked for money.
2. Though I went to ALL the important games, nobody ever spoke to me.
3. When I went, I cheered loud, but the coach visited at MY house.
4. The benches are too hard.
5. The field judge said things I couldn't agree with.
6. I suspect those "regulars" are hypocrites (always after beer and hotdogs).
7. The band always played the same old songs (or never ones I knew).
8. Since I bought a book on football, I stay home and read it instead (I don't agree with all of it either).
9. I find the games on TV more exciting (Also MUCH more comfortable, the food's cheaper, no noisy kids... and they don't ask for money).
(Duluth, MN U. Methodist REMINDER)
NOW, WITH ELECTIONS COMING SOON...
Many politicians leave office because of illness and fatigue: people get sick and tired of them.
The reason some politicians don't have any ethics is because they don't know where to buy them.
A government big enough to give you EVERYthing you want is a government big enough to TAKE FROM you EVERYthing you HAVE.
TRY THIS FOR YOUR HALLOWEEN "SING ALONG SONG"
(sung to "Up on the Housetops")
Up in the pumpkin patch, witches pause.
Out jumps the great one, hear the applause!
Down through the rows with goodies and toys,
All for his followers, Halloween joys.
Haunt! Haunt! Haunt!
Who wouldn't want...
Haunt! Haunt! Haunt!
Who wouldn't want
to be in the pumpkin patch
CHEER! CHEER! CHEER!
Wait for the great one... and being sincere!
(from the Peanuts' Book of Pumpkin Carols)
DID you have fun with this one?? MORE next week.
HOW ABOUT THE GHOST WHO
tried out for the cheerleading squad...
just to add some team spirit!
LAST HALLOWEEN, as usual, we had a BIG bucket of wrapped candy.
One kid showed up at our door as an IRS agent. He was VERY authentic looking. He also took exactly 40% of our candy, and didn't bat an eye.
NOW THE REAL SPIRIT
Where there's LAUGHTER... there's HOPE!
"I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful." (Bob Hope)
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
October 6th, 2008
10-6-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
TIME TO WIND DOWN BASEBALL
In Minneapolis, a sportswriter interviewed a hard-boiled young pitcher, recently added to the Twins' roster.
The scribe observed, "You're a tough hombre, all right. I bet you wouldn't give your own mother a decent pitch."
"Why should I," countered the pitcher angrily. "She batted .297 with Sacramento last season."
AND POWER UP FOR FOOTBALL
What's green, has bumps and plays football?
The Green Bay Pickles.
So, WHY DID THE FOOTBALL PLAYER...
make the commercial for the shampoo company?
He was troubled by split ends...
and VERY tight!
TIME TO START THE HALLOWEEN YUKS ALSO
Four ghosts were engaged in a hot Bridge game when a fifth ghost opened the door. A gust of wind blew all the cards off the table.
Grumbled one of the players, "Confound it, Archie, don't you know what a keyhole is for?" (B.Cerf's Laugh Day, Doubleday Pub.)
NOW LET'S GET DOWN TO EARTH
The guy wanted to learn how to skydive. He found an instructor and started lessons. When the time finally came for the first dive they stood by the plane and the instructor told the man how to position himself and pull the ripcord. He then explained that he would jump right afterward and be just a few yards away as they went down.
The pilot took them up, the man jumped, counted to ten and pulled the ripcord and his chute opened.
The instructor followed, but his chute FAILED to open. He rapidly decended past his student, frantically trying to open his chute.
Seeing this, the man unfastened the straps holding his chute and yelled, "So you want to race, huh?"
THE SPECIAL DEER HUNT...FOR DISABLED VETS is at Camp Ripley and I've been invited to shoot some footage for Vet's Visits again. Reminds me of the game warden who stopped a deep hunter and asked to see his license. The warden checked it out, then informed the hunter that it was last year's.
"I know," the hunter replied, "but I shouldn't need a new license. I'm just lookin' to shoot that blasted deer I missed last year... with THIS license."
SOME PRACTICAL THEOLOGY??
It was close to bedtime and the mom told her five-year-old to pick up her toys and take them to the back porch.
Knowing this involved a trip down a LOONG dark hallway the mom added, "Don't be afraid, Jesus will go with you."
The little girl thought for a moment, then, with arms full of toys looked up intently, "Well, if he's going, why can't HE take'em."
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
TIME TO WIND DOWN BASEBALL
In Minneapolis, a sportswriter interviewed a hard-boiled young pitcher, recently added to the Twins' roster.
The scribe observed, "You're a tough hombre, all right. I bet you wouldn't give your own mother a decent pitch."
"Why should I," countered the pitcher angrily. "She batted .297 with Sacramento last season."
AND POWER UP FOR FOOTBALL
What's green, has bumps and plays football?
The Green Bay Pickles.
So, WHY DID THE FOOTBALL PLAYER...
make the commercial for the shampoo company?
He was troubled by split ends...
and VERY tight!
TIME TO START THE HALLOWEEN YUKS ALSO
Four ghosts were engaged in a hot Bridge game when a fifth ghost opened the door. A gust of wind blew all the cards off the table.
Grumbled one of the players, "Confound it, Archie, don't you know what a keyhole is for?" (B.Cerf's Laugh Day, Doubleday Pub.)
NOW LET'S GET DOWN TO EARTH
The guy wanted to learn how to skydive. He found an instructor and started lessons. When the time finally came for the first dive they stood by the plane and the instructor told the man how to position himself and pull the ripcord. He then explained that he would jump right afterward and be just a few yards away as they went down.
The pilot took them up, the man jumped, counted to ten and pulled the ripcord and his chute opened.
The instructor followed, but his chute FAILED to open. He rapidly decended past his student, frantically trying to open his chute.
Seeing this, the man unfastened the straps holding his chute and yelled, "So you want to race, huh?"
THE SPECIAL DEER HUNT...FOR DISABLED VETS is at Camp Ripley and I've been invited to shoot some footage for Vet's Visits again. Reminds me of the game warden who stopped a deep hunter and asked to see his license. The warden checked it out, then informed the hunter that it was last year's.
"I know," the hunter replied, "but I shouldn't need a new license. I'm just lookin' to shoot that blasted deer I missed last year... with THIS license."
SOME PRACTICAL THEOLOGY??
It was close to bedtime and the mom told her five-year-old to pick up her toys and take them to the back porch.
Knowing this involved a trip down a LOONG dark hallway the mom added, "Don't be afraid, Jesus will go with you."
The little girl thought for a moment, then, with arms full of toys looked up intently, "Well, if he's going, why can't HE take'em."
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Monday, September 29, 2008
September 29th, 2008
9-29-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
WITH HUNTING SEASON IN THE AIR…
The minister who was an avid hunter purchased a hunting dog which the seller called a miracle dog. He would give no explanation just stating, “You’ll see.”
Duck season began and the minister took the dog to his blind by the lake. They waited and soon the birds flew low. He took aim, fired, a duck hit the water and the dog took off to retrieve the bird. BUT the dog walked right ACROSS the water, grabbed the bird and walked back.
Stunned, the minister now knew the reason the animal was called a miracle dog. He then decided that using this dog would be a perfect way to convert his hunter friends who were non-believers.
Several days later, he and a friend went hunting figuring that his miracle that his miracle dog would convert him. After all no one could deny their very eyes.
As before, at the blind, they watched the birds fly over the lake. The minister shot, a bird fell, the dog walked across the water and retrieved it. The atheist friend was silent. The clergy took another shot; the dog repeated the miracle.
The minister turned to his friend and said, “John, don’t you notice ANYthing unusual about my dog?”
“Sure. He can’t swim.”
WITH ELECTIONS COMING, HOW ABOUT ONE A WEEK?
The TV news reporter on the sidewalk asked a retired man what he thought of the presidential candidates for the election.
“Well, when I read and look at all the coverage I’m thankful that only one of them can get elected.”
FOOTBALL SHORTIES
How is an airline pilot like a football player?
They both like to make safe touchdowns.
What’s green, has bumps and plays football?
The Green Bay Pickles.
Why did the ghost try out for the cheerleading squad?
To add a little team spirit.
Teacher: Johnny, name the four seasons.
Johnny: Football, basketball, baseball and soccer.
(ED. I went out for football in Jr. High, made the second team. Instead of playing full back, I preferred the safety position… WAY back of the bench. Actually first chair trumpet was best.)
ANOTHER MIRACLE?
The father and small son were out duck hunting—the dad bragging about how good a hunter he was. When a lone duck flew over, he took careful aim and fired. The duck kept flying.
The father wasn’t upset. He turned to the boy and said, “Son, you have just witnessed a miracle. There flies a dead duck.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
WITH HUNTING SEASON IN THE AIR…
The minister who was an avid hunter purchased a hunting dog which the seller called a miracle dog. He would give no explanation just stating, “You’ll see.”
Duck season began and the minister took the dog to his blind by the lake. They waited and soon the birds flew low. He took aim, fired, a duck hit the water and the dog took off to retrieve the bird. BUT the dog walked right ACROSS the water, grabbed the bird and walked back.
Stunned, the minister now knew the reason the animal was called a miracle dog. He then decided that using this dog would be a perfect way to convert his hunter friends who were non-believers.
Several days later, he and a friend went hunting figuring that his miracle that his miracle dog would convert him. After all no one could deny their very eyes.
As before, at the blind, they watched the birds fly over the lake. The minister shot, a bird fell, the dog walked across the water and retrieved it. The atheist friend was silent. The clergy took another shot; the dog repeated the miracle.
The minister turned to his friend and said, “John, don’t you notice ANYthing unusual about my dog?”
“Sure. He can’t swim.”
WITH ELECTIONS COMING, HOW ABOUT ONE A WEEK?
The TV news reporter on the sidewalk asked a retired man what he thought of the presidential candidates for the election.
“Well, when I read and look at all the coverage I’m thankful that only one of them can get elected.”
FOOTBALL SHORTIES
How is an airline pilot like a football player?
They both like to make safe touchdowns.
What’s green, has bumps and plays football?
The Green Bay Pickles.
Why did the ghost try out for the cheerleading squad?
To add a little team spirit.
Teacher: Johnny, name the four seasons.
Johnny: Football, basketball, baseball and soccer.
(ED. I went out for football in Jr. High, made the second team. Instead of playing full back, I preferred the safety position… WAY back of the bench. Actually first chair trumpet was best.)
ANOTHER MIRACLE?
The father and small son were out duck hunting—the dad bragging about how good a hunter he was. When a lone duck flew over, he took careful aim and fired. The duck kept flying.
The father wasn’t upset. He turned to the boy and said, “Son, you have just witnessed a miracle. There flies a dead duck.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Monday, September 22, 2008
September 22nd, 2008
9-22-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
ACTUAL CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENT
- Now is your chance to get your ears pierced and get an extra pair… to take home.
- DINNER specials: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25, Children $2.
- USED CARS: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
- TIRED of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!
- FOR RENT: 6-room hated apartment.
- WE DO NOT tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully… by hand.
- WE WILL OIL your sewing machine and adjust the tension in your home.
SOME FOOTBALL DAFFYNITIONS (worship time out)
- “Quarterback Sneak” – An attender quietly leaves before the offering plate arrives.
- “Halftime” – The interlude between Sunday School and Worship when others leave.
- “Benchwarmer” – Those who attend sit (No other action).
- “Stay in the pocket” – An offering was brought… but also leaves with the person.
- “End Run” – Leaves quickly on the last hymn without speaking to others.
- “Blitz” – The rush for the restaurants.
(Chisago City United Presbyterian’s “UP-BEAT.”
THIS HAS BEEN AROUND FOR CENTURIES (so here goes)
CONFESSIONS… of an “OLDER” Lady
“Frankly, I’ve become a frivolous old gal and I’m still seeing FIVE gentlemen every day.
“As soon as I wake up, ‘Will Power’ helps me get out of bed. Then I go see ‘John.’ Shortly thereafter, ‘Charlie Horse’ usually comes along and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. Once he leaves, ‘Arthur Ritus’ always shows up and usually stays the rest of the day. He doesn’t like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I’m glad to go to bed with ‘Ben Gay,’ who goes straight to work on my need. What a life! And yes, I’m also flirting with ‘Al Zymer,’ who is slowly catching up with me.
“Yes, Pastor, I know I should be thinking of the hereafter. And I do it all the time. No matter where I am… in the parlor, upstairs, the kitchen or down in the basement. I say to to myself, “Now what am I here after??”
SOME CARTOON CAPTIONS (using YOUR imagination)
- (Little old lady sitting at her computer) - “I’m too old to date. Now I have e-lationships.”
- (She pulls open the drapes with a smile) There’s a beautiful scene of cracking dawn and a bird chirping… on a 60-inch flat screen.
- (Man sitting on the doctor’s exam table tells him) – “My lawyer says my arm is still bothering me.”
- (New father answering his cell phone on the golf course… with buddies waiting) - “Is is a boy or a girl?”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
ACTUAL CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENT
- Now is your chance to get your ears pierced and get an extra pair… to take home.
- DINNER specials: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25, Children $2.
- USED CARS: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
- TIRED of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!
- FOR RENT: 6-room hated apartment.
- WE DO NOT tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully… by hand.
- WE WILL OIL your sewing machine and adjust the tension in your home.
SOME FOOTBALL DAFFYNITIONS (worship time out)
- “Quarterback Sneak” – An attender quietly leaves before the offering plate arrives.
- “Halftime” – The interlude between Sunday School and Worship when others leave.
- “Benchwarmer” – Those who attend sit (No other action).
- “Stay in the pocket” – An offering was brought… but also leaves with the person.
- “End Run” – Leaves quickly on the last hymn without speaking to others.
- “Blitz” – The rush for the restaurants.
(Chisago City United Presbyterian’s “UP-BEAT.”
THIS HAS BEEN AROUND FOR CENTURIES (so here goes)
CONFESSIONS… of an “OLDER” Lady
“Frankly, I’ve become a frivolous old gal and I’m still seeing FIVE gentlemen every day.
“As soon as I wake up, ‘Will Power’ helps me get out of bed. Then I go see ‘John.’ Shortly thereafter, ‘Charlie Horse’ usually comes along and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. Once he leaves, ‘Arthur Ritus’ always shows up and usually stays the rest of the day. He doesn’t like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I’m glad to go to bed with ‘Ben Gay,’ who goes straight to work on my need. What a life! And yes, I’m also flirting with ‘Al Zymer,’ who is slowly catching up with me.
“Yes, Pastor, I know I should be thinking of the hereafter. And I do it all the time. No matter where I am… in the parlor, upstairs, the kitchen or down in the basement. I say to to myself, “Now what am I here after??”
SOME CARTOON CAPTIONS (using YOUR imagination)
- (Little old lady sitting at her computer) - “I’m too old to date. Now I have e-lationships.”
- (She pulls open the drapes with a smile) There’s a beautiful scene of cracking dawn and a bird chirping… on a 60-inch flat screen.
- (Man sitting on the doctor’s exam table tells him) – “My lawyer says my arm is still bothering me.”
- (New father answering his cell phone on the golf course… with buddies waiting) - “Is is a boy or a girl?”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Monday, September 15, 2008
September 15th, 2008
9-15-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
…AND WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING??
My friend’s daughter was expecting her second child. They had a ‘family talk’ with their five-year-old son Bobby. Dad said, “O.K., Bobby, we are going to have a baby, but we want to keep it a secret for about four months.”
Bobby replied, “OH yes, I can keep a secret easy.”
The next day Uncle Mike came over to give Bobby a ride in his truck. Uncle Mike said, “You sure seem happy today. What’s going on?” Bobby replied, “Well, Uncle Mike, it’s a big secret, but I can tell you this much—in about seven months, I’ll be a big brother.”
AND FROM “SMILE AWHILE”
My six-year-old cousin and her father were looking at a litter of puppies, planning to buy one.
When Kim’s father asked her which one she wanted, she pointed to a puppy whose tail wouldn’t stop wagging and said, “I want THAT one with the HAPPY ENDING.”
(SMILE AWHILE is printed in Portland, TN)
NOW…A FEW OF MURPHY’S LAWS
- The other line always moves faster.
- NO one’s life, liberty or property are safe… while the legislature is in session.
- In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don’t need it.
- No matter how long or how hard you comparison shop… after you’ve bought it it WILL be on sale… cheaper… somewhere else.
GO WHERE, HONEY??
A shipment of husbands had just arrived in heaven. St. Peter decided to speed up the processing so he said, “I want all the husbands who acted like mice on earth to form a line on my right. Those of you who were truly kings in your own castle on my left please.
The men rushed to their chosen line. On the right, the line of hen-pecked husbands stretched beyond the horizon. Only one man was in the left line.
St. Peter asked the lone man, “Are you sure you belong in the macho line?”
The man replied, “I don’t know, but this is where my wife told me to stand.”
AND IN CAT HEAVEN??
Whiskers the cat had gone to cat heaven. St. Peter (yes, the same) was showing him all the new blessings he would receive.
Finally, the very last door was opened. There were hundreds of mice skating around and eating cheese. “Oh boy, said Whiskers. “Just what I always wanted. Meals on Wheels.”
TIME TO START FOOTBALL…END OF THE FOURTH
only thirteen seconds were left of the BIG game. The home team was ahead by three points and had possession of the ball. The quarterback threw a pass to a first-year player who caught it… then dropped it. The opposing team recovered the ball and went on to score the winning touchdown.
Asked how he felt about the defeat, the home team’s coach said, “Well, that’s the way the rookie fumbles.”
(Stamper’s ’88, 101 SUPER SPORTS JOKES)
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
…AND WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING??
My friend’s daughter was expecting her second child. They had a ‘family talk’ with their five-year-old son Bobby. Dad said, “O.K., Bobby, we are going to have a baby, but we want to keep it a secret for about four months.”
Bobby replied, “OH yes, I can keep a secret easy.”
The next day Uncle Mike came over to give Bobby a ride in his truck. Uncle Mike said, “You sure seem happy today. What’s going on?” Bobby replied, “Well, Uncle Mike, it’s a big secret, but I can tell you this much—in about seven months, I’ll be a big brother.”
AND FROM “SMILE AWHILE”
My six-year-old cousin and her father were looking at a litter of puppies, planning to buy one.
When Kim’s father asked her which one she wanted, she pointed to a puppy whose tail wouldn’t stop wagging and said, “I want THAT one with the HAPPY ENDING.”
(SMILE AWHILE is printed in Portland, TN)
NOW…A FEW OF MURPHY’S LAWS
- The other line always moves faster.
- NO one’s life, liberty or property are safe… while the legislature is in session.
- In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don’t need it.
- No matter how long or how hard you comparison shop… after you’ve bought it it WILL be on sale… cheaper… somewhere else.
GO WHERE, HONEY??
A shipment of husbands had just arrived in heaven. St. Peter decided to speed up the processing so he said, “I want all the husbands who acted like mice on earth to form a line on my right. Those of you who were truly kings in your own castle on my left please.
The men rushed to their chosen line. On the right, the line of hen-pecked husbands stretched beyond the horizon. Only one man was in the left line.
St. Peter asked the lone man, “Are you sure you belong in the macho line?”
The man replied, “I don’t know, but this is where my wife told me to stand.”
AND IN CAT HEAVEN??
Whiskers the cat had gone to cat heaven. St. Peter (yes, the same) was showing him all the new blessings he would receive.
Finally, the very last door was opened. There were hundreds of mice skating around and eating cheese. “Oh boy, said Whiskers. “Just what I always wanted. Meals on Wheels.”
TIME TO START FOOTBALL…END OF THE FOURTH
only thirteen seconds were left of the BIG game. The home team was ahead by three points and had possession of the ball. The quarterback threw a pass to a first-year player who caught it… then dropped it. The opposing team recovered the ball and went on to score the winning touchdown.
Asked how he felt about the defeat, the home team’s coach said, “Well, that’s the way the rookie fumbles.”
(Stamper’s ’88, 101 SUPER SPORTS JOKES)
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Monday, September 8, 2008
September 8th, 2008
9-08-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
FOR A CHANGE… SOME ONE-LINERS.
- To err is human.
To blame it on the other person is even MORE human.
- An optimist is a person who waits for his teenager to get off the phone. // The pessimist has a phone listing for each teenager (if he can afford it).
- Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson, you find the present tense and the past perfect.
- If at first you don’t succeed… you’re like most people.
- The ego trip: We have a strange and wonderful relationship. He’s strange and I’m wonderful.
- Political jokes are funny… unless of course they get elected.
- I’ve got at least SIX road maps in my car. They tell me everything up to how to fold them back up.
- These people that demonstrate at political conventions—They seem more excited about action than cause.
NOW, BACK TO SOME DIALOGUE.
Doctor to patient: “Did you remember to follow the instructions for the medicine I gave you?”
Patient: “You mean to drink water thirty minutes before going to bed?”
Doctor: “Yes.”
Patient: “Well, I tried, but after the first five minutes, I was so full I couldn’t drink another drop.”
AND MORE??
On the way home from worship a little boy asked his mother, “Is it true, Mommy, that we are dust?”
“Yes, darling.”
“And we go back to dust when we die?”
“Yes, dear.”
“Well, Mommy, when I said my prayers last night I happened to look under the bed. I found somebody either coming… or going.”
TOO LATE FOR LAST WEEK’S SCHOOL EDITION
The young professor was ‘waxing eloquent’ to a group of elementary teachers on modern methods of education. He told them that, if they had a child that became unruly, to switch his (or her) attention.
An OLDER man in the audience arose and remarked, “That wasn’t what they switched when I was a boy.”
SO HERE IS FOR WHAT AILS YOU
“I’m getting really worried, Doctor, about myself. I need something to take me out of my state of lethargy and put me in fighting trim. Have you included anything like that in this prescription?”
“No, not in the prescription. You’ll find that in the bill.”
And now, a parting thought: He who laughs… lasts (and has fun too).
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
FOR A CHANGE… SOME ONE-LINERS.
- To err is human.
To blame it on the other person is even MORE human.
- An optimist is a person who waits for his teenager to get off the phone. // The pessimist has a phone listing for each teenager (if he can afford it).
- Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson, you find the present tense and the past perfect.
- If at first you don’t succeed… you’re like most people.
- The ego trip: We have a strange and wonderful relationship. He’s strange and I’m wonderful.
- Political jokes are funny… unless of course they get elected.
- I’ve got at least SIX road maps in my car. They tell me everything up to how to fold them back up.
- These people that demonstrate at political conventions—They seem more excited about action than cause.
NOW, BACK TO SOME DIALOGUE.
Doctor to patient: “Did you remember to follow the instructions for the medicine I gave you?”
Patient: “You mean to drink water thirty minutes before going to bed?”
Doctor: “Yes.”
Patient: “Well, I tried, but after the first five minutes, I was so full I couldn’t drink another drop.”
AND MORE??
On the way home from worship a little boy asked his mother, “Is it true, Mommy, that we are dust?”
“Yes, darling.”
“And we go back to dust when we die?”
“Yes, dear.”
“Well, Mommy, when I said my prayers last night I happened to look under the bed. I found somebody either coming… or going.”
TOO LATE FOR LAST WEEK’S SCHOOL EDITION
The young professor was ‘waxing eloquent’ to a group of elementary teachers on modern methods of education. He told them that, if they had a child that became unruly, to switch his (or her) attention.
An OLDER man in the audience arose and remarked, “That wasn’t what they switched when I was a boy.”
SO HERE IS FOR WHAT AILS YOU
“I’m getting really worried, Doctor, about myself. I need something to take me out of my state of lethargy and put me in fighting trim. Have you included anything like that in this prescription?”
“No, not in the prescription. You’ll find that in the bill.”
And now, a parting thought: He who laughs… lasts (and has fun too).
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Monday, September 1, 2008
September 1st, 2008
9-01-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
NOW, WITH SCHOOL STARTING
The first grader got home after his first day at school. His mother asked how the day went.
“O.K. I guess,” he replied, then added, “Except during spelling period the teacher didn’t know how to spell ‘cat.’ So I told her.”
(National American Legion magazine, Parting Shots)
THE PAROCHIAL SCHOOL TEACHER
asked the five year old if he knew the name of the first man God put on earth.
The little boy said, “Hoss.”
The teacher asked, “What did you say?”
The little boy replied, “I said Hoss.”
The teacher said, “No, it was Adam.”
Little boy said, “I knew it was one of the Cartright boys.” (ED. Remember clean family TV?)
(National V.F.W. magazine, jestaminute)
THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA HAD EQUIPMENT PROBLEMS
and, instead of a hot meal, served peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. As the satisfied eight-grader left he complimented the cafeteria manager,
“Finally, you gave us a home-cooked meal.”
TO JR. HIGH BOYS WERE STANDING IN THE
hall waiting for the bell to ring to start class the first day of school.
As the very pretty new girl passed by he whispered to his pal, “Wow, when I stop hating girls, she’s the one I’m going to stop hating first.”
OVER IN THE S.E. MOUNTAINS, THE FIRST YEAR
college girl was visiting back home. Her uneducated father asked: “Hey gal, what ‘ya learnin’ up at that fancy school?”
The girl said, “Well Pa, I’m studying history, psychology and English.”
That’s good, Sally.”
“I’m also studying algebra.”
“That’s fine. Say something in algebra for me.”
Not wanting to let her Daddy down she thought for a minute, then thoughtfully pronounced, “PI – r – square.”
The old man exploded, “If that’s what they’re learnin’ ya, you kin jest stop goin’ right now and wastin’ my money. Everyone knows pie are round and corn bread are square.”
AND BACK TO THIRD GRADE WHERE
Johnny was having a tough time with his homework. Finally, he asked his mother if she would help him.
“I’m sorry, Son. If I helped you it wouldn’t be right.”
“But gee, Mom,” he pleaded, “you could at least try.”
FINALLY, THERE IS A DIFFERENCE IN EDUCATION… AND LIFE.
In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.
AND… a B.A., M.A., D.A., Ph.D, M.Div., etc. won’t hurt you, if you’re willing to learn something later.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
NOW, WITH SCHOOL STARTING
The first grader got home after his first day at school. His mother asked how the day went.
“O.K. I guess,” he replied, then added, “Except during spelling period the teacher didn’t know how to spell ‘cat.’ So I told her.”
(National American Legion magazine, Parting Shots)
THE PAROCHIAL SCHOOL TEACHER
asked the five year old if he knew the name of the first man God put on earth.
The little boy said, “Hoss.”
The teacher asked, “What did you say?”
The little boy replied, “I said Hoss.”
The teacher said, “No, it was Adam.”
Little boy said, “I knew it was one of the Cartright boys.” (ED. Remember clean family TV?)
(National V.F.W. magazine, jestaminute)
THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA HAD EQUIPMENT PROBLEMS
and, instead of a hot meal, served peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. As the satisfied eight-grader left he complimented the cafeteria manager,
“Finally, you gave us a home-cooked meal.”
TO JR. HIGH BOYS WERE STANDING IN THE
hall waiting for the bell to ring to start class the first day of school.
As the very pretty new girl passed by he whispered to his pal, “Wow, when I stop hating girls, she’s the one I’m going to stop hating first.”
OVER IN THE S.E. MOUNTAINS, THE FIRST YEAR
college girl was visiting back home. Her uneducated father asked: “Hey gal, what ‘ya learnin’ up at that fancy school?”
The girl said, “Well Pa, I’m studying history, psychology and English.”
That’s good, Sally.”
“I’m also studying algebra.”
“That’s fine. Say something in algebra for me.”
Not wanting to let her Daddy down she thought for a minute, then thoughtfully pronounced, “PI – r – square.”
The old man exploded, “If that’s what they’re learnin’ ya, you kin jest stop goin’ right now and wastin’ my money. Everyone knows pie are round and corn bread are square.”
AND BACK TO THIRD GRADE WHERE
Johnny was having a tough time with his homework. Finally, he asked his mother if she would help him.
“I’m sorry, Son. If I helped you it wouldn’t be right.”
“But gee, Mom,” he pleaded, “you could at least try.”
FINALLY, THERE IS A DIFFERENCE IN EDUCATION… AND LIFE.
In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.
AND… a B.A., M.A., D.A., Ph.D, M.Div., etc. won’t hurt you, if you’re willing to learn something later.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
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