5-27-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
VERSUS…
A couple was both very tired. He had been at an auction most of the day and she had been playing golf. As they watched TV, both dozed off.
“FORE!,” she suddenly shouted from her dreams.
“”Four-and-a-quarter,” he shouted without opening his eyes.
ARE YOU READY FOR… ETHNIC AND CLERGY?
The Rev. Ole is pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground that said: “THE END IS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW BAFORE IT’S TOO LATE!”
A car sped past them and the driver leaned out the window and yelled, “Leave me alone you Skandihoovian, religious nuts!”
From the curve ahead, the clergy heard screeching tires and a huge splash. The Rev. Ole turned to Pastor Sven and asked, “Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, ‘Bridge out!’”
OR GET A SECOND OPINION…
A playwright received a manuscript with a note attached. “Please read the enclosed and advise. I need an answer at once as I have other irons in the fire.”
The playwright wrote back: “Remove irons. Replace with manuscript.”
WATCH FOR THE WARNING
A burglar broke into a house late at night. As he filled his sack with goodies, he was shaken by a voice saying softly, “God is watching you.”
As he stood there shaking, the voice again said, “God is watching you.”
The burglar finally looked up and realized that a parrot in the corner was the one doing the talking.
“You stupid bird,” he said. “You scared me half to death. He, what’s your name anyhow?”
“Milo,” responded the bird.
“What idiot would name a bird, Milo?”
“The same idiot who’d name a 125-pound Doberman, ‘God.’”
NOW…FOR An UNCOMPLICATE… KNOCK, KNOCK
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Cows…
Cows who?
No they don’t, they moo!
Try again? Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Duey.
Duey who?
Duey have to keep telling knock, knock jokes?
WHO WANTS TO TURN BACK YOUR ODOMETER?
I wouldn’t. I want people to know “why” I took this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved. So, I’ll ‘Hit the Road, Jack.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
May 20th, 2008
5-20-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Since School Is Nearly Out…
Little five-year-old Brent came home from his kindergarten class and had a real worried look on his face.
“What’s wrong? his mother asked.
Brent explained, “We were talking about hygiene today in school. Better call a doctor for medicine, Mom. I think I have it.”
Teacher: “Can anyone tell me what a fish net is made of?”
Little Boy: “A lot of little holes tied together with strings.
Can you trust…
Two teenagers are on a tour of a modern art gallery. They find themselves alone in a room of modern sculpture staring at the twisted pipes, mounds of broken glass and tangled shapes of a mixed variety of materials in the exhibit.
One of them, really alarmed, said, “Let’s get out of here before they blame us for wrecking this place.”
Dog Gone it All
“My six-year-old son was just given a dog,” said one father to another.
“How’s it working out?”
“Well we’re sending him to obedience school. And, if it works out well, we’ll send the dog too.”
So, Who’s the Teacher Here?
According to the latest studies, more than 40% of teens talk openly with their parents about sex. And more than 20% of the parents are able to use what they learn from those talks.
The Blame Game
A teacher, after correcting and handing back little Johnny’s paper, remarked, “I don’t see how one person can make so many mistakes on his homework.”
Johnny thought a moment then replied, “It wasn’t all one person. My dad helped.”
The New Competition
Two boys from different schools meet. “I’ll bet my school’s computers are faster then your school’s computers.”
And on to College where…
One question answered incorrectly by all students tested: “If having tonsils removed is a tonsillectomy and having the appendix removed is an appendectomy, what is the term for having a growth removed from the head?”
The answer: A haircut.
And Your Future Plans are?
One college gal was going ot get a job as an airline hostess so she would meet lots of men.
“Might be a plan,” agreed her friend, “but wouldn’t you meet as many men doing something else?”
The first girl shrugged. “Could be,” she admitted, “but not strapped down.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Since School Is Nearly Out…
Little five-year-old Brent came home from his kindergarten class and had a real worried look on his face.
“What’s wrong? his mother asked.
Brent explained, “We were talking about hygiene today in school. Better call a doctor for medicine, Mom. I think I have it.”
Teacher: “Can anyone tell me what a fish net is made of?”
Little Boy: “A lot of little holes tied together with strings.
Can you trust…
Two teenagers are on a tour of a modern art gallery. They find themselves alone in a room of modern sculpture staring at the twisted pipes, mounds of broken glass and tangled shapes of a mixed variety of materials in the exhibit.
One of them, really alarmed, said, “Let’s get out of here before they blame us for wrecking this place.”
Dog Gone it All
“My six-year-old son was just given a dog,” said one father to another.
“How’s it working out?”
“Well we’re sending him to obedience school. And, if it works out well, we’ll send the dog too.”
So, Who’s the Teacher Here?
According to the latest studies, more than 40% of teens talk openly with their parents about sex. And more than 20% of the parents are able to use what they learn from those talks.
The Blame Game
A teacher, after correcting and handing back little Johnny’s paper, remarked, “I don’t see how one person can make so many mistakes on his homework.”
Johnny thought a moment then replied, “It wasn’t all one person. My dad helped.”
The New Competition
Two boys from different schools meet. “I’ll bet my school’s computers are faster then your school’s computers.”
And on to College where…
One question answered incorrectly by all students tested: “If having tonsils removed is a tonsillectomy and having the appendix removed is an appendectomy, what is the term for having a growth removed from the head?”
The answer: A haircut.
And Your Future Plans are?
One college gal was going ot get a job as an airline hostess so she would meet lots of men.
“Might be a plan,” agreed her friend, “but wouldn’t you meet as many men doing something else?”
The first girl shrugged. “Could be,” she admitted, “but not strapped down.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
May 13th, 2008
5-13-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Mother’s Day was Sunday so…
Yea!!
It’s Fishing Season Again
Ole and Sven made their first fishing trip up to Canada. They caught one keeper pike. Driving home they contemplated the joys of their week up North. Then, Ole remarked, “Ya know, the vay I figured our expenses dat fish cost us $400.”
“Veil,” said Sven, “at dat price it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more.”
A little boy who loved to go fishing with his father had just learned the 23rd Psalm and was reciting it in Sunday School. When he got to the fourth verse the class hears, “…Thy rod and Thy reel, they comfort me.”
You’ve Heard the Old Adages…
Never saw a man who could fish… and worry at the same time.
Old fishermen never die… they just smell that way.
Now, shifting gears…
A Ford was stuck in the mud. A man driving a Cadillac came to the rescue. The Samaritan explained that he was on his way to a pressing appointment but would attach a cable and pull the Ford back on the road.
It was done and the Caddie was soon on its way. However, its driver, in his haste, forgot to remove the cable and sped off still attached to the Ford.
The pace grew faster and faster. Up the road a highway patrol officer attempted to stop the speeding Cadillac but with no success. Finally the patrolman radioed a message to a fellow officer ahead: “Look out for a Cadillac going 80 miles and hour. And, believe it or not, an old Ford is behind honking for the road.”
The Clergy Person
Was arrested for speeding, “Officer,” the pastor said, “I am about my Heavenly Father’s business.”
“Well, I read the same Bible, pastor. It also says, ‘Go out on the highways and byways and gather them in.’ So, that’s just what I’m doing.” (The 18th is Peace Officer’s Day)
If at First You Don’t Succeed…
A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He phoned a plumber listed in the Yellow Pages. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, fixed the problem and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much an hour as a doctor!”
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”
And Finally…Two Fisherman
Were out on Mille Lacks when suddenly a hand appears above the water.
“What’s that,” says one. “It looks like someone is drowning!”
“No way,” says the other.
“It’s just a wave.” (so long for now).
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Mother’s Day was Sunday so…
Yea!!
It’s Fishing Season Again
Ole and Sven made their first fishing trip up to Canada. They caught one keeper pike. Driving home they contemplated the joys of their week up North. Then, Ole remarked, “Ya know, the vay I figured our expenses dat fish cost us $400.”
“Veil,” said Sven, “at dat price it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more.”
A little boy who loved to go fishing with his father had just learned the 23rd Psalm and was reciting it in Sunday School. When he got to the fourth verse the class hears, “…Thy rod and Thy reel, they comfort me.”
You’ve Heard the Old Adages…
Never saw a man who could fish… and worry at the same time.
Old fishermen never die… they just smell that way.
Now, shifting gears…
A Ford was stuck in the mud. A man driving a Cadillac came to the rescue. The Samaritan explained that he was on his way to a pressing appointment but would attach a cable and pull the Ford back on the road.
It was done and the Caddie was soon on its way. However, its driver, in his haste, forgot to remove the cable and sped off still attached to the Ford.
The pace grew faster and faster. Up the road a highway patrol officer attempted to stop the speeding Cadillac but with no success. Finally the patrolman radioed a message to a fellow officer ahead: “Look out for a Cadillac going 80 miles and hour. And, believe it or not, an old Ford is behind honking for the road.”
The Clergy Person
Was arrested for speeding, “Officer,” the pastor said, “I am about my Heavenly Father’s business.”
“Well, I read the same Bible, pastor. It also says, ‘Go out on the highways and byways and gather them in.’ So, that’s just what I’m doing.” (The 18th is Peace Officer’s Day)
If at First You Don’t Succeed…
A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He phoned a plumber listed in the Yellow Pages. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, fixed the problem and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much an hour as a doctor!”
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”
And Finally…Two Fisherman
Were out on Mille Lacks when suddenly a hand appears above the water.
“What’s that,” says one. “It looks like someone is drowning!”
“No way,” says the other.
“It’s just a wave.” (so long for now).
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
May 6th, 2008
5-06-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
‘Have your incentive check yet?
The difference between adults and children is adults have toys that require monthly payments.
This week… professions
1. Doctor.
A woman went into the doctor’s office. “Doctor,” she asked, what should I take when I’m run down?”
He replied, “the license number.”
2. Lawyer
A doctor, lawyer and a physicist were debating which profession was mentioned first in the Bible.
“God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve,” said the doctor.
“That involved a surgical procedure, so doctors were mentioned first.”
“No, no,” countered the physicist. “God created order out of chaos and that required a knowledge of the science of matter. So my profession was mentioned first.”
The lawyer coyly smiled and said, “No, lawyers were mentioned first. Who do you tink created the chaos?”
3. How about Politicians? (we are “politically correct,” sorry).
A politician running for office got a bit carried away and spoke for two hours. Finally, he realized what happened and said, “I’m sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home.”
A voice from the back of the room called out, “There’s a calendar behind you.”
4. The Military.
Two young sailors from the Midwest were assigned aboard ship for their first duty. As they left port and stood at the bow, one motioned to the wide expanse of the ocean and said, “Did you ever see so much water in your life?”
The other replied with wonder, “Nope. And we’re only looking at the top of it!”
5. A bed and breakfast hostess.
Customer to hostess: “Why does your dog growl at me while I’m eating my pancakes? Does he want me to feed him?
“No,” said the hostess, “he’s just angry because you’re eating off his favorite plate.”
6. Business in general.
Two business partners went fishing in a small boat. Suddenly a storm blew up and the boat capsized. One of the men began to swim but his business partner floundered helplessly in his life jacket.
“Jim,” the swimmer called to the non-swimmer, “can you float alone?”
“My gosh,” cried Jim. “I’m helpless and you want to talk business.”
7. Finally, Actors.
Actors used to clean the grease paint off their faces with pork fat. That’s why we’re called “hams.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
‘Have your incentive check yet?
The difference between adults and children is adults have toys that require monthly payments.
This week… professions
1. Doctor.
A woman went into the doctor’s office. “Doctor,” she asked, what should I take when I’m run down?”
He replied, “the license number.”
2. Lawyer
A doctor, lawyer and a physicist were debating which profession was mentioned first in the Bible.
“God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve,” said the doctor.
“That involved a surgical procedure, so doctors were mentioned first.”
“No, no,” countered the physicist. “God created order out of chaos and that required a knowledge of the science of matter. So my profession was mentioned first.”
The lawyer coyly smiled and said, “No, lawyers were mentioned first. Who do you tink created the chaos?”
3. How about Politicians? (we are “politically correct,” sorry).
A politician running for office got a bit carried away and spoke for two hours. Finally, he realized what happened and said, “I’m sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home.”
A voice from the back of the room called out, “There’s a calendar behind you.”
4. The Military.
Two young sailors from the Midwest were assigned aboard ship for their first duty. As they left port and stood at the bow, one motioned to the wide expanse of the ocean and said, “Did you ever see so much water in your life?”
The other replied with wonder, “Nope. And we’re only looking at the top of it!”
5. A bed and breakfast hostess.
Customer to hostess: “Why does your dog growl at me while I’m eating my pancakes? Does he want me to feed him?
“No,” said the hostess, “he’s just angry because you’re eating off his favorite plate.”
6. Business in general.
Two business partners went fishing in a small boat. Suddenly a storm blew up and the boat capsized. One of the men began to swim but his business partner floundered helplessly in his life jacket.
“Jim,” the swimmer called to the non-swimmer, “can you float alone?”
“My gosh,” cried Jim. “I’m helpless and you want to talk business.”
7. Finally, Actors.
Actors used to clean the grease paint off their faces with pork fat. That’s why we’re called “hams.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
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