7-22-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
You Know You’re an Email Junky when…
* You wake-up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom…and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
* You turn off your modem and get this awful, empty feeling like you just pulled the plug on your best friend.
* You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap…and your child in the overhead compartment.
* You refer to going to the bathroom as… downloading.
* You check your mail. It says, “no new messages.” So you check it again.
Some signs of the times
On a maternity room door: Push, push, push.
On a fence: Salesmen Welcome. Dog Food is Expensive.
On an electrician’s truck: Let us Remove Your Shorts. (what a shocking experience!)
In a veterinarian’s office: Back in Five Minutes…Sit…Stay.
On the door of a computer shop: Out for a Quick Byte.
On the door of a music library: Bach in a Minuet.
With the elections coming soon
Politicians do not have an easy life. Somebody is always interrupting it with an election.
Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven’t had one since Taft. Look at the United States. We haven’t had one since Lincoln.
It is awful hard to get people interested in corruption unless they can get some of it.
A politician is just like a pickpocket; it’s almost impossible to get him to reform.
I guess truth can hurt you worse in an election than about anything that can happen to you.
It takes a great country to stand a thing like an election hitting it every four years.
Now, ready for the really big questions???
Why does Hawaii have INTERstate highways?
Why is “abbreviation” such a looong word?
Why are floatation devices under airplane seats rather than parachutes?
Why is it that, when you transport something by car it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by SHIP, it’s called cargo?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
A pun is it’s own re-word
* The blood ype of a pessimist is always B negative
* A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother
* Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
July 15th, 2008
7-15-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Old Philosophy…Still Valid
“Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs should just relax and get used to the idea.”
The Bible Proves Everything
A husband and wife argued about who should brew the coffee. “You should do it, “the wife said. “You get up first so we won’t have to wait so long for it.”
The husband shook his. “You’re in charge of cooking around here. It’s your job. I can just wait.”
“No, you should do it,” she glared back. “Beside, it’s in the New Testament of our Bible.”
“Show me,” he challenged.
The wife fetched their Bible and opened it to the top of several pages: “HEbrews.”
Time Waits for No Man…
* When I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire hanger and ignore suggestions that we call road service.
* When the car isn’t running well, I will pop the hood and stare at the enfine as if I know what I’m looking for. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and needed tools, I wouldn’t know where to start.” (We will then drink a cold one.)
* “You don’t have to ask if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you cried at the end of it…I didn’t
* Yes, I do think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without, it’s fine. Your hair is fine. Can we just go now?”
* Because I’m a man…I must hold the remote control in my hand while I watch TV. (Parting Shots, American Legion Magazine, July 2004)
Are you starting to see a trend?
…A woman steps out of a beauty shop…
Sue: “Oh, I love that styling! That’s so cute.”
Beth: “Do you think so? It’s not too fluffy?”
Sue: “Oh, no! It’s perfect for your face. I wish I could wear a cut like that.”
Beth: “But your hair looks fantastic. Don’t change a bit.”
…a man gets a haircut…
Stan: “Haircut?”
Bob: “Yep.”
Husbands Overheard
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always. If it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Old Philosophy…Still Valid
“Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs should just relax and get used to the idea.”
The Bible Proves Everything
A husband and wife argued about who should brew the coffee. “You should do it, “the wife said. “You get up first so we won’t have to wait so long for it.”
The husband shook his. “You’re in charge of cooking around here. It’s your job. I can just wait.”
“No, you should do it,” she glared back. “Beside, it’s in the New Testament of our Bible.”
“Show me,” he challenged.
The wife fetched their Bible and opened it to the top of several pages: “HEbrews.”
Time Waits for No Man…
* When I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire hanger and ignore suggestions that we call road service.
* When the car isn’t running well, I will pop the hood and stare at the enfine as if I know what I’m looking for. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and needed tools, I wouldn’t know where to start.” (We will then drink a cold one.)
* “You don’t have to ask if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you cried at the end of it…I didn’t
* Yes, I do think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without, it’s fine. Your hair is fine. Can we just go now?”
* Because I’m a man…I must hold the remote control in my hand while I watch TV. (Parting Shots, American Legion Magazine, July 2004)
Are you starting to see a trend?
…A woman steps out of a beauty shop…
Sue: “Oh, I love that styling! That’s so cute.”
Beth: “Do you think so? It’s not too fluffy?”
Sue: “Oh, no! It’s perfect for your face. I wish I could wear a cut like that.”
Beth: “But your hair looks fantastic. Don’t change a bit.”
…a man gets a haircut…
Stan: “Haircut?”
Bob: “Yep.”
Husbands Overheard
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always. If it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
July 8th, 2008
7-08-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Ah, the Freedom of Independence
The 4th of July is a unique holiday. Where else but in America can you find people who are paying off credit cards, a five-year car loan, a 30-year mortgage, a home improvement loan, losing money on the stock market…and still who celebrate their independence.
Some Tips on How to Enjoy 4th of July
1. If you see stars, it is not your vision…it’s our flag.
2. Driving? Watch for nuts on the highway.
3. If it rains, tune in the P.B.S. Capital 4th (or just to avoid Silver Lake).
4. When the Star-Spangled Banner is played, sing what you know and proudly hum the rest. Oh yes, and if you enjoy your freedom, your hand over your heart is your amen (so be it).
5. No matter when you go to bed, some night owl will still set off some loud crackers…three days early.
6. On July 5th, when all the fireworks are exploded, watch for God’s free display in the sky.
In the Rough Enough?
A golfer was setting up his shot out on the freeway when a ball hit him in the head and knocked him unconscious. He awoke to find another golfer expressing his apologies.
The downed golfer exclaimed, “I’m going to sue you for $5,000!!!”
Kneeling beside the wounded golfer, the second man explained, “I said ‘fore’.”
To which the downed golfer said, “I’ll take it.”
On the sport of…
The devil challenged St. Peter to a baseball game. “How can you win, Satan?” asked St. Peter. “All the famous big-league hitters are up here.”
“How can I lose?” bragged Satan. “All the umpires are down here!”
First come, first serve
It was ten hours before the big bowl-game and the line wound clear around the stadium. A man was trying to work his way to the front of the line.
A burly fan at the very front next to the gate growled at the man and heaved him back.
A second time the man tried to edge his way up but was again tossed back by the waiting fans.
After he was tossed back the third time, the poor soul picked himself up and said, “If you don’t stop throwing me out of line, nobody’s getting in this gate! I have the key.”
The family got home from Sunday worship
The father criticized the sermon. The daughter picked at the choir’s anthem and the mother found fault with the organist’s playing. They dropped the subject when the young son said, “But it sure was a good show for a nickel, don’t you think, Dad?”
Life’s greatest pleasures are the simplest ones. Like seeing the driver who passed and cut in ahead of you get pulled over three miles down the road.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Ah, the Freedom of Independence
The 4th of July is a unique holiday. Where else but in America can you find people who are paying off credit cards, a five-year car loan, a 30-year mortgage, a home improvement loan, losing money on the stock market…and still who celebrate their independence.
Some Tips on How to Enjoy 4th of July
1. If you see stars, it is not your vision…it’s our flag.
2. Driving? Watch for nuts on the highway.
3. If it rains, tune in the P.B.S. Capital 4th (or just to avoid Silver Lake).
4. When the Star-Spangled Banner is played, sing what you know and proudly hum the rest. Oh yes, and if you enjoy your freedom, your hand over your heart is your amen (so be it).
5. No matter when you go to bed, some night owl will still set off some loud crackers…three days early.
6. On July 5th, when all the fireworks are exploded, watch for God’s free display in the sky.
In the Rough Enough?
A golfer was setting up his shot out on the freeway when a ball hit him in the head and knocked him unconscious. He awoke to find another golfer expressing his apologies.
The downed golfer exclaimed, “I’m going to sue you for $5,000!!!”
Kneeling beside the wounded golfer, the second man explained, “I said ‘fore’.”
To which the downed golfer said, “I’ll take it.”
On the sport of…
The devil challenged St. Peter to a baseball game. “How can you win, Satan?” asked St. Peter. “All the famous big-league hitters are up here.”
“How can I lose?” bragged Satan. “All the umpires are down here!”
First come, first serve
It was ten hours before the big bowl-game and the line wound clear around the stadium. A man was trying to work his way to the front of the line.
A burly fan at the very front next to the gate growled at the man and heaved him back.
A second time the man tried to edge his way up but was again tossed back by the waiting fans.
After he was tossed back the third time, the poor soul picked himself up and said, “If you don’t stop throwing me out of line, nobody’s getting in this gate! I have the key.”
The family got home from Sunday worship
The father criticized the sermon. The daughter picked at the choir’s anthem and the mother found fault with the organist’s playing. They dropped the subject when the young son said, “But it sure was a good show for a nickel, don’t you think, Dad?”
Life’s greatest pleasures are the simplest ones. Like seeing the driver who passed and cut in ahead of you get pulled over three miles down the road.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
July 1st, 2008
7-01-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Happy Birthday America
Your independence was made possible by men and women who were courageous and determined that they would be free of the rulers of England.
To revolt for the right to govern their colonies was the only answer and many were injured and lost their lives. They defied the strongest nation on earth…and won.
Thomas Jefferson was appointed to write the Declaration of Independence. He finished June 11, having worked on it two weeks. It was approved…with 47 changes.
We celebrate July 4th as the day representatives of the 13 colonies voted to accept you country’s birth certificate. (The signers from the past have given US this birthday present… the gift of freedom…that is NOT FREE).
from Treasury for Special Day, Hovey Revel, ©1961
July is also… National Hot Dog Month
Little Jane: “Uncle Bill took Jimmy and me to the baseball game. He bought us stuff to eat.”
Her Father: “What was the final score?”
Little Jane: “Three hot dogs for me and four for Jimmy.”
…National Iced Tea Month
She: “Oh, this is the ideal spot for our picnic.”
He: “It must be or 50 million ants and mosquitoes would think so too!”
…July 22nd begins National Veggie Week
Baby Ear of Corn: “Momma, where did I come from?”
Momma Corn: “Husk, dear. The stalk brought you home.”
Time to ask…
How many surgeons does it take to remove a light bulb? None. You don’t need it out today, but if it continues to give you trouble, you should consider having it removed.
Don’t You Love Telemarketers?
(Lady on the phone) “I need time to consider your fabulous offer. Give me your number and I’ll call you back tomorrow night during YOUR dinner.”
continued…A Minnesota guide to computer lingo
MODEM: vhat ya did to the lawns last Yuly.
DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix’s wife.
LAPTOP: Vhere da grandkids sit.
KEYBOARD: Vhere ya supposed to hand da keys so da Misses can find em.
SOFTWARE: da plastic utensils, ya?
Thanks for you time…Share these chuckles and remember to smile …a lot. ‘Makes others wonder what you’ve been up to.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Happy Birthday America
Your independence was made possible by men and women who were courageous and determined that they would be free of the rulers of England.
To revolt for the right to govern their colonies was the only answer and many were injured and lost their lives. They defied the strongest nation on earth…and won.
Thomas Jefferson was appointed to write the Declaration of Independence. He finished June 11, having worked on it two weeks. It was approved…with 47 changes.
We celebrate July 4th as the day representatives of the 13 colonies voted to accept you country’s birth certificate. (The signers from the past have given US this birthday present… the gift of freedom…that is NOT FREE).
from Treasury for Special Day, Hovey Revel, ©1961
July is also… National Hot Dog Month
Little Jane: “Uncle Bill took Jimmy and me to the baseball game. He bought us stuff to eat.”
Her Father: “What was the final score?”
Little Jane: “Three hot dogs for me and four for Jimmy.”
…National Iced Tea Month
She: “Oh, this is the ideal spot for our picnic.”
He: “It must be or 50 million ants and mosquitoes would think so too!”
…July 22nd begins National Veggie Week
Baby Ear of Corn: “Momma, where did I come from?”
Momma Corn: “Husk, dear. The stalk brought you home.”
Time to ask…
How many surgeons does it take to remove a light bulb? None. You don’t need it out today, but if it continues to give you trouble, you should consider having it removed.
Don’t You Love Telemarketers?
(Lady on the phone) “I need time to consider your fabulous offer. Give me your number and I’ll call you back tomorrow night during YOUR dinner.”
continued…A Minnesota guide to computer lingo
MODEM: vhat ya did to the lawns last Yuly.
DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix’s wife.
LAPTOP: Vhere da grandkids sit.
KEYBOARD: Vhere ya supposed to hand da keys so da Misses can find em.
SOFTWARE: da plastic utensils, ya?
Thanks for you time…Share these chuckles and remember to smile …a lot. ‘Makes others wonder what you’ve been up to.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
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