10-27-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
THE MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY
A man staying in a posh hotel called room service and read from the breakfast menu.
"I'd like one overcooked egg that's touch and hard to eat, one undercooked egg with runny whites. I'd like grilled bacon on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer - impossible to spread - and a pot of luke warm coffee."
"That's a complicated order, sir. It might be quite difficult and will take extra time."
"It can't be that difficult," the guest sarcastically replied. "That's exactly what you brought me yesterday morning and yes, it DID take a looong time."
NOW WE PRESENT THE THIRD PUMPKIN CAROL for your sing-along pleasure.
(to the tune of "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas")
I'm dreaming of the Great Pumpkin
Just like I do this time each year.
When he brings nice toys
to good girls and boys
Who wait for him to reappear.
I'm dreaming of the Great Pumpkin
With every pumpkin card I write.
May your jack-o-lanterns burn bright
When the Great Pumpkin visits you tonight (actually Friday).
(from the Peanuts Book of Pumpkin Carols; Ed. note: Halloween is becoming a forgotten holiday. We dedicated followers of the Great Pumpkin MUST do something to rekindle the Halloween spirit. Let us not rest until the universe resounds with Pumpkin Carols... please don't take this too seriously).
AND WHILE WE'RE IN A SERIOUS MOOD
The father was reading a Bible story to his young children. "This man, named Lot, was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city. But his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt."
His five-year-old son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
FINALLY, QUOTES FROM FAMOUS PEOPLE (deceased)
BOILING POINT: "A woman is like a tea bag. When she's in hot water, she just gets stronger." - Eleanor Roosevelt
SECOND OPINION?: "Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." - Erma Bombeck
JUST DO IT: "Leadership: the art of getting someone else to do something YOU want done because HE wants to do it." - Dwight D. Eisenhower
ALMOST FORGOT THE ELECTIONS
Why do we choose between two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
October 20th, 2008
10-20-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
THESE SIGNS MAKE SENSE
On a barbecue restaurant: "House of Grill Repute."
At a golf course: "Putt an end to your troubles."
At a tire company: "Our tires will give your car great traction, we skid you not."
At a taxi company: "We drive away all our customers."
GETTING CLOSER TO NOV. 11th
The incumbant to office was winding down after a long and particularly distorted version of his accomplishments.
"And that is why I think you should vote for me. Are there any suggestions or comments from you fine folks?"
A rather seedy, humble-looking individual rose, cleared his throat and said: "Well, sir, I have a suggestion that may interest you. If you and I were to stump the country together, we could tell more lies than any other two men... and I wouldn't have to say a word."
"NOT" could well be the word
President Calvin Coolidge was the first to issue his famous "I do not choose to run" statement. President Ford (who couldn't win, lose or get out of Vietnam) said the same thing.
Coolidge however was besieged by reporters seeking a more detailed statement. One persistent reporter followed him to the door of his library.
"Sir, exactly WHY don't you want to be President again?"
"Coolidge turned and replied, "Because there's no chance for advancement."
AND HERE'S ANOTHER SCARY THOUGHT... another Halloween "Carol"
(to the tune of "Silver Bells")
We're on sidewalks, we're on porches,
Dressed in costumes to scare.
Through the city we're ringing the doorbells.
Gooey stuff in our hair,
But the most fun is shrieking out loud:
Shivery yells, shivery yells.
That's the Halloween nitty gritty.
Moan and groan, leave us alone;
Halloween's just one night a year.
(the folks at Madonna Towers Nursing enjoy this one too; from the Peanuts Book of Pumpkin Carols)
YOU JUST CAN'T WIN
When Nebraska Gov. E. Benjamin Nelson named MILK the state's official beverage, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals objected. Reason? They said cow's milk belongs to calves, not people.
WINNER OF THE WACKY WARNING LABEL CONTEST sponsored by the Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch: "Remove your child before folding the baby stroller."
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
THESE SIGNS MAKE SENSE
On a barbecue restaurant: "House of Grill Repute."
At a golf course: "Putt an end to your troubles."
At a tire company: "Our tires will give your car great traction, we skid you not."
At a taxi company: "We drive away all our customers."
GETTING CLOSER TO NOV. 11th
The incumbant to office was winding down after a long and particularly distorted version of his accomplishments.
"And that is why I think you should vote for me. Are there any suggestions or comments from you fine folks?"
A rather seedy, humble-looking individual rose, cleared his throat and said: "Well, sir, I have a suggestion that may interest you. If you and I were to stump the country together, we could tell more lies than any other two men... and I wouldn't have to say a word."
"NOT" could well be the word
President Calvin Coolidge was the first to issue his famous "I do not choose to run" statement. President Ford (who couldn't win, lose or get out of Vietnam) said the same thing.
Coolidge however was besieged by reporters seeking a more detailed statement. One persistent reporter followed him to the door of his library.
"Sir, exactly WHY don't you want to be President again?"
"Coolidge turned and replied, "Because there's no chance for advancement."
AND HERE'S ANOTHER SCARY THOUGHT... another Halloween "Carol"
(to the tune of "Silver Bells")
We're on sidewalks, we're on porches,
Dressed in costumes to scare.
Through the city we're ringing the doorbells.
Gooey stuff in our hair,
But the most fun is shrieking out loud:
Shivery yells, shivery yells.
That's the Halloween nitty gritty.
Moan and groan, leave us alone;
Halloween's just one night a year.
(the folks at Madonna Towers Nursing enjoy this one too; from the Peanuts Book of Pumpkin Carols)
YOU JUST CAN'T WIN
When Nebraska Gov. E. Benjamin Nelson named MILK the state's official beverage, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals objected. Reason? They said cow's milk belongs to calves, not people.
WINNER OF THE WACKY WARNING LABEL CONTEST sponsored by the Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch: "Remove your child before folding the baby stroller."
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Monday, October 13, 2008
October 13th, 2008
10-13-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
I'LL NEVER GO TO A FOOTBALL GAME (EXCUSES)
1. Every time I went to a game, they asked for money.
2. Though I went to ALL the important games, nobody ever spoke to me.
3. When I went, I cheered loud, but the coach visited at MY house.
4. The benches are too hard.
5. The field judge said things I couldn't agree with.
6. I suspect those "regulars" are hypocrites (always after beer and hotdogs).
7. The band always played the same old songs (or never ones I knew).
8. Since I bought a book on football, I stay home and read it instead (I don't agree with all of it either).
9. I find the games on TV more exciting (Also MUCH more comfortable, the food's cheaper, no noisy kids... and they don't ask for money).
(Duluth, MN U. Methodist REMINDER)
NOW, WITH ELECTIONS COMING SOON...
Many politicians leave office because of illness and fatigue: people get sick and tired of them.
The reason some politicians don't have any ethics is because they don't know where to buy them.
A government big enough to give you EVERYthing you want is a government big enough to TAKE FROM you EVERYthing you HAVE.
TRY THIS FOR YOUR HALLOWEEN "SING ALONG SONG"
(sung to "Up on the Housetops")
Up in the pumpkin patch, witches pause.
Out jumps the great one, hear the applause!
Down through the rows with goodies and toys,
All for his followers, Halloween joys.
Haunt! Haunt! Haunt!
Who wouldn't want...
Haunt! Haunt! Haunt!
Who wouldn't want
to be in the pumpkin patch
CHEER! CHEER! CHEER!
Wait for the great one... and being sincere!
(from the Peanuts' Book of Pumpkin Carols)
DID you have fun with this one?? MORE next week.
HOW ABOUT THE GHOST WHO
tried out for the cheerleading squad...
just to add some team spirit!
LAST HALLOWEEN, as usual, we had a BIG bucket of wrapped candy.
One kid showed up at our door as an IRS agent. He was VERY authentic looking. He also took exactly 40% of our candy, and didn't bat an eye.
NOW THE REAL SPIRIT
Where there's LAUGHTER... there's HOPE!
"I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful." (Bob Hope)
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
I'LL NEVER GO TO A FOOTBALL GAME (EXCUSES)
1. Every time I went to a game, they asked for money.
2. Though I went to ALL the important games, nobody ever spoke to me.
3. When I went, I cheered loud, but the coach visited at MY house.
4. The benches are too hard.
5. The field judge said things I couldn't agree with.
6. I suspect those "regulars" are hypocrites (always after beer and hotdogs).
7. The band always played the same old songs (or never ones I knew).
8. Since I bought a book on football, I stay home and read it instead (I don't agree with all of it either).
9. I find the games on TV more exciting (Also MUCH more comfortable, the food's cheaper, no noisy kids... and they don't ask for money).
(Duluth, MN U. Methodist REMINDER)
NOW, WITH ELECTIONS COMING SOON...
Many politicians leave office because of illness and fatigue: people get sick and tired of them.
The reason some politicians don't have any ethics is because they don't know where to buy them.
A government big enough to give you EVERYthing you want is a government big enough to TAKE FROM you EVERYthing you HAVE.
TRY THIS FOR YOUR HALLOWEEN "SING ALONG SONG"
(sung to "Up on the Housetops")
Up in the pumpkin patch, witches pause.
Out jumps the great one, hear the applause!
Down through the rows with goodies and toys,
All for his followers, Halloween joys.
Haunt! Haunt! Haunt!
Who wouldn't want...
Haunt! Haunt! Haunt!
Who wouldn't want
to be in the pumpkin patch
CHEER! CHEER! CHEER!
Wait for the great one... and being sincere!
(from the Peanuts' Book of Pumpkin Carols)
DID you have fun with this one?? MORE next week.
HOW ABOUT THE GHOST WHO
tried out for the cheerleading squad...
just to add some team spirit!
LAST HALLOWEEN, as usual, we had a BIG bucket of wrapped candy.
One kid showed up at our door as an IRS agent. He was VERY authentic looking. He also took exactly 40% of our candy, and didn't bat an eye.
NOW THE REAL SPIRIT
Where there's LAUGHTER... there's HOPE!
"I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful." (Bob Hope)
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Monday, October 6, 2008
October 6th, 2008
10-6-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
TIME TO WIND DOWN BASEBALL
In Minneapolis, a sportswriter interviewed a hard-boiled young pitcher, recently added to the Twins' roster.
The scribe observed, "You're a tough hombre, all right. I bet you wouldn't give your own mother a decent pitch."
"Why should I," countered the pitcher angrily. "She batted .297 with Sacramento last season."
AND POWER UP FOR FOOTBALL
What's green, has bumps and plays football?
The Green Bay Pickles.
So, WHY DID THE FOOTBALL PLAYER...
make the commercial for the shampoo company?
He was troubled by split ends...
and VERY tight!
TIME TO START THE HALLOWEEN YUKS ALSO
Four ghosts were engaged in a hot Bridge game when a fifth ghost opened the door. A gust of wind blew all the cards off the table.
Grumbled one of the players, "Confound it, Archie, don't you know what a keyhole is for?" (B.Cerf's Laugh Day, Doubleday Pub.)
NOW LET'S GET DOWN TO EARTH
The guy wanted to learn how to skydive. He found an instructor and started lessons. When the time finally came for the first dive they stood by the plane and the instructor told the man how to position himself and pull the ripcord. He then explained that he would jump right afterward and be just a few yards away as they went down.
The pilot took them up, the man jumped, counted to ten and pulled the ripcord and his chute opened.
The instructor followed, but his chute FAILED to open. He rapidly decended past his student, frantically trying to open his chute.
Seeing this, the man unfastened the straps holding his chute and yelled, "So you want to race, huh?"
THE SPECIAL DEER HUNT...FOR DISABLED VETS is at Camp Ripley and I've been invited to shoot some footage for Vet's Visits again. Reminds me of the game warden who stopped a deep hunter and asked to see his license. The warden checked it out, then informed the hunter that it was last year's.
"I know," the hunter replied, "but I shouldn't need a new license. I'm just lookin' to shoot that blasted deer I missed last year... with THIS license."
SOME PRACTICAL THEOLOGY??
It was close to bedtime and the mom told her five-year-old to pick up her toys and take them to the back porch.
Knowing this involved a trip down a LOONG dark hallway the mom added, "Don't be afraid, Jesus will go with you."
The little girl thought for a moment, then, with arms full of toys looked up intently, "Well, if he's going, why can't HE take'em."
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
TIME TO WIND DOWN BASEBALL
In Minneapolis, a sportswriter interviewed a hard-boiled young pitcher, recently added to the Twins' roster.
The scribe observed, "You're a tough hombre, all right. I bet you wouldn't give your own mother a decent pitch."
"Why should I," countered the pitcher angrily. "She batted .297 with Sacramento last season."
AND POWER UP FOR FOOTBALL
What's green, has bumps and plays football?
The Green Bay Pickles.
So, WHY DID THE FOOTBALL PLAYER...
make the commercial for the shampoo company?
He was troubled by split ends...
and VERY tight!
TIME TO START THE HALLOWEEN YUKS ALSO
Four ghosts were engaged in a hot Bridge game when a fifth ghost opened the door. A gust of wind blew all the cards off the table.
Grumbled one of the players, "Confound it, Archie, don't you know what a keyhole is for?" (B.Cerf's Laugh Day, Doubleday Pub.)
NOW LET'S GET DOWN TO EARTH
The guy wanted to learn how to skydive. He found an instructor and started lessons. When the time finally came for the first dive they stood by the plane and the instructor told the man how to position himself and pull the ripcord. He then explained that he would jump right afterward and be just a few yards away as they went down.
The pilot took them up, the man jumped, counted to ten and pulled the ripcord and his chute opened.
The instructor followed, but his chute FAILED to open. He rapidly decended past his student, frantically trying to open his chute.
Seeing this, the man unfastened the straps holding his chute and yelled, "So you want to race, huh?"
THE SPECIAL DEER HUNT...FOR DISABLED VETS is at Camp Ripley and I've been invited to shoot some footage for Vet's Visits again. Reminds me of the game warden who stopped a deep hunter and asked to see his license. The warden checked it out, then informed the hunter that it was last year's.
"I know," the hunter replied, "but I shouldn't need a new license. I'm just lookin' to shoot that blasted deer I missed last year... with THIS license."
SOME PRACTICAL THEOLOGY??
It was close to bedtime and the mom told her five-year-old to pick up her toys and take them to the back porch.
Knowing this involved a trip down a LOONG dark hallway the mom added, "Don't be afraid, Jesus will go with you."
The little girl thought for a moment, then, with arms full of toys looked up intently, "Well, if he's going, why can't HE take'em."
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
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