11-16-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
FINALLY BASEBALL IS OVER... FOOTBALL BEGINS
and the visiting team had a 14-13 lead. The coach of the visitors sent in a sub quarterback with orders to run out the clock by use of simple running plays.
The sub, however, had glory dreams and when he spotted one of his backs in the clear he uncorked a forward pass in that general direction.
Out of nowhere came the home team's speediest back, who flashed in to intercept the pass and was off for paydirt. To everyone's amazement, the sub quarterback who had made the pass overtook him and brought him down on the five-yard line. Seconds later the final whistle blew.
The losing coach grumbled to the coach of the winners, "I'll never understand how that sub quarterback of yours ever overtook the fastest boy on our squad."
"It's simple," was the reply. "Your boy was running for the touchdown. Mine was running for his life."
ON TO ANOTHER CURRENT EVENT
The man had barely paid off his mortgage on the house when he mortgaged it again to buy a car and, not long after, he borrowed to build a garage. His banker hesitated and said, "If I do make this loan, how will you buy gas for the car?"
"Well, it seems to me," replied the borrower curtly, "that a fellow who owns a big house, a new car and new garage should be able to get credit for gasoline." (ONE way to "earn" bankruptcy).
THE TWO CONFIRMED BACHELORS...
were chatting and the conversation switched from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking stuff in it, eh?"
"Boy, you said it. Everyone of the recipes began the same way. 'Take a clean dish and....'"
TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT
"What are you so happy about?" the woman asked the 97-year-old man.
"I just broke a mirror," he replied.
"But that means seven years of bad luck!"
"I know. Isn't that wonderful."
(I heard he plans to break another mirror in 6 years).
AND SPEAKING OF MIRRORS (just be patient)
The first pair of roller skates were "built" in Belgium in 1759 by Joseph Merlin.
A master violinist, Merlin made a spectacular entrance into a costume party on his roller skates while playing the violin. (show-off)
However, he hadn't mastered the fine art of stopping (rubber toe stops hadn't been invented yet), so he crashed into a full-length mirror breaking it and his violin. (bad luck... no waiting).
THE OUTLOOK FOR TURKEYS LOOKS BAD
The world's largest turkey farm is owned by Bernard Matthews in Norfolk, Great Britain. He has 2,600 employees and averages 9 million turkeys annually.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Sunday, November 9, 2008
November 9th, 2008
11-9-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
VETERAN'S DAY IS TUE. 11TH, so we salute:
THE ARMY: The lieutenant at the training camp had a recruit assigned to keep his quarters bright and clean. He was quiet, competent and always called the lieutenant "Major."
A sergeant drew the recruit aside one morning and said, "Soldier, haven't you been in this man's Army long enough to know that one gold bar denotes a looie, not a major?"
"If it's all the same to you, sergeant," implored the recruit, "you won those stripes your way; let me earn mine my way."
THE NAVY: (how to get a "head")
The Secretary of the Navy was inspecting a recently launched carrier. The entire crew stood on deck at attention.
"I suppose," said the Secretary jokingly to the carrier's captain, "you know the name of every man on the ship."
"I think I do," was the captain's unexpected reply.
"Aha," smiled the Secretary. "What's the name of the third man from the left there in the rear rank?"
"William Jones," replied the captain.
The Secretary walked over to the seaman himself. "What's your name, lad?" he asked.
"William Jones, sir," replied Seaman Jonathan Abernathy.
THE MARINE CORP:
A career Marine, his discharge in sight, signed up for a correspondence course in electrical engineering. The application blank had a question that at first stumped him. "How long has your present employer been in business?"
The Marine finally wrote down, "Since 1776."
The newly arrived Marine enlistee from classy Long Island, NY received this letter from his "mater."
"Dear Sebastian: Now that you are on your way to being a hero in the Marine Corps, I trust you will set a good example and will arise on time every morning. The other young gentlemen in your set should not have to sit at the table and wait for you to come downstairs before they can begin eating their breakfast."
THE AIR (CORP) FORCE:
Shortly after D-Day in World War II, a pilot was chosen and dispatched from England to drop propaganda leaflets over a city in Germany. He didn't check back in at his headquarters for three weeks.
"Where have you been?" demanded his squadron leader crossly. "How could you take three weeks just to dump a load of leaflets over enemy territory?"
"Dump them?" repeated the pilot in a surprised voice, "I thought you wanted me to slip one under every door!"
THE COAST GUARD:
The U.S. Coast Guard Cutter supply ship put in at a Pacific island famed for its voluptuous and scantily clad maidens. One young non-com spent a memorable day on the beach with several of the young ladies posing them and photographing them with his camera.
An ensign watched him silently for some time. Then he inquired, "Where do you think you're going to get all that film developed?"
The reply, "Film? Who's got film?"
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
VETERAN'S DAY IS TUE. 11TH, so we salute:
THE ARMY: The lieutenant at the training camp had a recruit assigned to keep his quarters bright and clean. He was quiet, competent and always called the lieutenant "Major."
A sergeant drew the recruit aside one morning and said, "Soldier, haven't you been in this man's Army long enough to know that one gold bar denotes a looie, not a major?"
"If it's all the same to you, sergeant," implored the recruit, "you won those stripes your way; let me earn mine my way."
THE NAVY: (how to get a "head")
The Secretary of the Navy was inspecting a recently launched carrier. The entire crew stood on deck at attention.
"I suppose," said the Secretary jokingly to the carrier's captain, "you know the name of every man on the ship."
"I think I do," was the captain's unexpected reply.
"Aha," smiled the Secretary. "What's the name of the third man from the left there in the rear rank?"
"William Jones," replied the captain.
The Secretary walked over to the seaman himself. "What's your name, lad?" he asked.
"William Jones, sir," replied Seaman Jonathan Abernathy.
THE MARINE CORP:
A career Marine, his discharge in sight, signed up for a correspondence course in electrical engineering. The application blank had a question that at first stumped him. "How long has your present employer been in business?"
The Marine finally wrote down, "Since 1776."
The newly arrived Marine enlistee from classy Long Island, NY received this letter from his "mater."
"Dear Sebastian: Now that you are on your way to being a hero in the Marine Corps, I trust you will set a good example and will arise on time every morning. The other young gentlemen in your set should not have to sit at the table and wait for you to come downstairs before they can begin eating their breakfast."
THE AIR (CORP) FORCE:
Shortly after D-Day in World War II, a pilot was chosen and dispatched from England to drop propaganda leaflets over a city in Germany. He didn't check back in at his headquarters for three weeks.
"Where have you been?" demanded his squadron leader crossly. "How could you take three weeks just to dump a load of leaflets over enemy territory?"
"Dump them?" repeated the pilot in a surprised voice, "I thought you wanted me to slip one under every door!"
THE COAST GUARD:
The U.S. Coast Guard Cutter supply ship put in at a Pacific island famed for its voluptuous and scantily clad maidens. One young non-com spent a memorable day on the beach with several of the young ladies posing them and photographing them with his camera.
An ensign watched him silently for some time. Then he inquired, "Where do you think you're going to get all that film developed?"
The reply, "Film? Who's got film?"
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Monday, November 3, 2008
November 3rd, 2008
11-3-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
IT'S ELECTION TIME AND THE LADY TOLD HER FRIEND,
"What I'm looking for is a man who will treat me as if I was a voter and HE is THE candidate."
TRY TO BE OPTIMISTIC
POLITICIANS... straddle the fence, keep their fingers crossed, keep their fingers on the pulse of their constituents, point with pride, look to the future, keep both ears to the ground, will CHANGE things and think twice... before saying nothing.
No wonder we're in such trouble... too many verbs!
AND YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE...
A political candidate said that he would rather be right than be elected.
Wouldn't you hope he could be both??
AND WHO DOES THE PRESIDENT WORK FOR?
"A taxpayer is someone who words for the federal government but who doesn't have to take a civil service examination." - Ronald Reagan
SERIOUSLY... I DO HOPE YOU'VE VOTED...
AND WEAR THAT LITTLE RED STICKER.
NOW, STUFF YOU DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW
In France, the Big Dipper is known as "the casserole." In Minnesota, it's known as "the hotdish."
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours.
When in trouble... mumble. When in trouble... delegate.
Where you stand on an issue... depends on where you sit.
THE SALESMAN WALKED INTO THE LARGE OFFICE and approached the front desk.
"I'd like to speak to someone with a little authority."
The receptionist replied: "Well, then I'm the one you need to speak to 'cause I have as little authority as anybody here."
TALK ABOUT DISCOVERY... WHEN IT CAME TO:
Automobiles: Henry could afford one.
Airplanes: Wilber and Orville were on the Wright track.
Ocean sailing: Columbus sure knew his way around.
Landing on the Moon: Neil finally had to put his foot down.
(In Oct., I was up at Camp Riley taping a D.A.V. deer hunt for "VET'S VISITS on TV." THIS did NOT happen)
Two hunters were dragging a deer through the woods by the tail when they met another hunter.
"It would be easier if you would drag it by the antlers instead of the tail," he suggested. "It won't get caught in the bushes."
They took his suggestion and switched ends. After an hour pulling the antlers one hunter said, "This is sure a lot easier."
"The other replied, "Sure is, but I think we're going in the wrong direction."
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
IT'S ELECTION TIME AND THE LADY TOLD HER FRIEND,
"What I'm looking for is a man who will treat me as if I was a voter and HE is THE candidate."
TRY TO BE OPTIMISTIC
POLITICIANS... straddle the fence, keep their fingers crossed, keep their fingers on the pulse of their constituents, point with pride, look to the future, keep both ears to the ground, will CHANGE things and think twice... before saying nothing.
No wonder we're in such trouble... too many verbs!
AND YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE...
A political candidate said that he would rather be right than be elected.
Wouldn't you hope he could be both??
AND WHO DOES THE PRESIDENT WORK FOR?
"A taxpayer is someone who words for the federal government but who doesn't have to take a civil service examination." - Ronald Reagan
SERIOUSLY... I DO HOPE YOU'VE VOTED...
AND WEAR THAT LITTLE RED STICKER.
NOW, STUFF YOU DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW
In France, the Big Dipper is known as "the casserole." In Minnesota, it's known as "the hotdish."
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours.
When in trouble... mumble. When in trouble... delegate.
Where you stand on an issue... depends on where you sit.
THE SALESMAN WALKED INTO THE LARGE OFFICE and approached the front desk.
"I'd like to speak to someone with a little authority."
The receptionist replied: "Well, then I'm the one you need to speak to 'cause I have as little authority as anybody here."
TALK ABOUT DISCOVERY... WHEN IT CAME TO:
Automobiles: Henry could afford one.
Airplanes: Wilber and Orville were on the Wright track.
Ocean sailing: Columbus sure knew his way around.
Landing on the Moon: Neil finally had to put his foot down.
(In Oct., I was up at Camp Riley taping a D.A.V. deer hunt for "VET'S VISITS on TV." THIS did NOT happen)
Two hunters were dragging a deer through the woods by the tail when they met another hunter.
"It would be easier if you would drag it by the antlers instead of the tail," he suggested. "It won't get caught in the bushes."
They took his suggestion and switched ends. After an hour pulling the antlers one hunter said, "This is sure a lot easier."
"The other replied, "Sure is, but I think we're going in the wrong direction."
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Monday, October 27, 2008
October 27th, 2008
10-27-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
THE MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY
A man staying in a posh hotel called room service and read from the breakfast menu.
"I'd like one overcooked egg that's touch and hard to eat, one undercooked egg with runny whites. I'd like grilled bacon on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer - impossible to spread - and a pot of luke warm coffee."
"That's a complicated order, sir. It might be quite difficult and will take extra time."
"It can't be that difficult," the guest sarcastically replied. "That's exactly what you brought me yesterday morning and yes, it DID take a looong time."
NOW WE PRESENT THE THIRD PUMPKIN CAROL for your sing-along pleasure.
(to the tune of "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas")
I'm dreaming of the Great Pumpkin
Just like I do this time each year.
When he brings nice toys
to good girls and boys
Who wait for him to reappear.
I'm dreaming of the Great Pumpkin
With every pumpkin card I write.
May your jack-o-lanterns burn bright
When the Great Pumpkin visits you tonight (actually Friday).
(from the Peanuts Book of Pumpkin Carols; Ed. note: Halloween is becoming a forgotten holiday. We dedicated followers of the Great Pumpkin MUST do something to rekindle the Halloween spirit. Let us not rest until the universe resounds with Pumpkin Carols... please don't take this too seriously).
AND WHILE WE'RE IN A SERIOUS MOOD
The father was reading a Bible story to his young children. "This man, named Lot, was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city. But his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt."
His five-year-old son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
FINALLY, QUOTES FROM FAMOUS PEOPLE (deceased)
BOILING POINT: "A woman is like a tea bag. When she's in hot water, she just gets stronger." - Eleanor Roosevelt
SECOND OPINION?: "Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." - Erma Bombeck
JUST DO IT: "Leadership: the art of getting someone else to do something YOU want done because HE wants to do it." - Dwight D. Eisenhower
ALMOST FORGOT THE ELECTIONS
Why do we choose between two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
THE MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY
A man staying in a posh hotel called room service and read from the breakfast menu.
"I'd like one overcooked egg that's touch and hard to eat, one undercooked egg with runny whites. I'd like grilled bacon on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer - impossible to spread - and a pot of luke warm coffee."
"That's a complicated order, sir. It might be quite difficult and will take extra time."
"It can't be that difficult," the guest sarcastically replied. "That's exactly what you brought me yesterday morning and yes, it DID take a looong time."
NOW WE PRESENT THE THIRD PUMPKIN CAROL for your sing-along pleasure.
(to the tune of "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas")
I'm dreaming of the Great Pumpkin
Just like I do this time each year.
When he brings nice toys
to good girls and boys
Who wait for him to reappear.
I'm dreaming of the Great Pumpkin
With every pumpkin card I write.
May your jack-o-lanterns burn bright
When the Great Pumpkin visits you tonight (actually Friday).
(from the Peanuts Book of Pumpkin Carols; Ed. note: Halloween is becoming a forgotten holiday. We dedicated followers of the Great Pumpkin MUST do something to rekindle the Halloween spirit. Let us not rest until the universe resounds with Pumpkin Carols... please don't take this too seriously).
AND WHILE WE'RE IN A SERIOUS MOOD
The father was reading a Bible story to his young children. "This man, named Lot, was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city. But his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt."
His five-year-old son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
FINALLY, QUOTES FROM FAMOUS PEOPLE (deceased)
BOILING POINT: "A woman is like a tea bag. When she's in hot water, she just gets stronger." - Eleanor Roosevelt
SECOND OPINION?: "Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." - Erma Bombeck
JUST DO IT: "Leadership: the art of getting someone else to do something YOU want done because HE wants to do it." - Dwight D. Eisenhower
ALMOST FORGOT THE ELECTIONS
Why do we choose between two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Monday, October 20, 2008
October 20th, 2008
10-20-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
THESE SIGNS MAKE SENSE
On a barbecue restaurant: "House of Grill Repute."
At a golf course: "Putt an end to your troubles."
At a tire company: "Our tires will give your car great traction, we skid you not."
At a taxi company: "We drive away all our customers."
GETTING CLOSER TO NOV. 11th
The incumbant to office was winding down after a long and particularly distorted version of his accomplishments.
"And that is why I think you should vote for me. Are there any suggestions or comments from you fine folks?"
A rather seedy, humble-looking individual rose, cleared his throat and said: "Well, sir, I have a suggestion that may interest you. If you and I were to stump the country together, we could tell more lies than any other two men... and I wouldn't have to say a word."
"NOT" could well be the word
President Calvin Coolidge was the first to issue his famous "I do not choose to run" statement. President Ford (who couldn't win, lose or get out of Vietnam) said the same thing.
Coolidge however was besieged by reporters seeking a more detailed statement. One persistent reporter followed him to the door of his library.
"Sir, exactly WHY don't you want to be President again?"
"Coolidge turned and replied, "Because there's no chance for advancement."
AND HERE'S ANOTHER SCARY THOUGHT... another Halloween "Carol"
(to the tune of "Silver Bells")
We're on sidewalks, we're on porches,
Dressed in costumes to scare.
Through the city we're ringing the doorbells.
Gooey stuff in our hair,
But the most fun is shrieking out loud:
Shivery yells, shivery yells.
That's the Halloween nitty gritty.
Moan and groan, leave us alone;
Halloween's just one night a year.
(the folks at Madonna Towers Nursing enjoy this one too; from the Peanuts Book of Pumpkin Carols)
YOU JUST CAN'T WIN
When Nebraska Gov. E. Benjamin Nelson named MILK the state's official beverage, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals objected. Reason? They said cow's milk belongs to calves, not people.
WINNER OF THE WACKY WARNING LABEL CONTEST sponsored by the Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch: "Remove your child before folding the baby stroller."
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
THESE SIGNS MAKE SENSE
On a barbecue restaurant: "House of Grill Repute."
At a golf course: "Putt an end to your troubles."
At a tire company: "Our tires will give your car great traction, we skid you not."
At a taxi company: "We drive away all our customers."
GETTING CLOSER TO NOV. 11th
The incumbant to office was winding down after a long and particularly distorted version of his accomplishments.
"And that is why I think you should vote for me. Are there any suggestions or comments from you fine folks?"
A rather seedy, humble-looking individual rose, cleared his throat and said: "Well, sir, I have a suggestion that may interest you. If you and I were to stump the country together, we could tell more lies than any other two men... and I wouldn't have to say a word."
"NOT" could well be the word
President Calvin Coolidge was the first to issue his famous "I do not choose to run" statement. President Ford (who couldn't win, lose or get out of Vietnam) said the same thing.
Coolidge however was besieged by reporters seeking a more detailed statement. One persistent reporter followed him to the door of his library.
"Sir, exactly WHY don't you want to be President again?"
"Coolidge turned and replied, "Because there's no chance for advancement."
AND HERE'S ANOTHER SCARY THOUGHT... another Halloween "Carol"
(to the tune of "Silver Bells")
We're on sidewalks, we're on porches,
Dressed in costumes to scare.
Through the city we're ringing the doorbells.
Gooey stuff in our hair,
But the most fun is shrieking out loud:
Shivery yells, shivery yells.
That's the Halloween nitty gritty.
Moan and groan, leave us alone;
Halloween's just one night a year.
(the folks at Madonna Towers Nursing enjoy this one too; from the Peanuts Book of Pumpkin Carols)
YOU JUST CAN'T WIN
When Nebraska Gov. E. Benjamin Nelson named MILK the state's official beverage, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals objected. Reason? They said cow's milk belongs to calves, not people.
WINNER OF THE WACKY WARNING LABEL CONTEST sponsored by the Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch: "Remove your child before folding the baby stroller."
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Monday, October 13, 2008
October 13th, 2008
10-13-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
I'LL NEVER GO TO A FOOTBALL GAME (EXCUSES)
1. Every time I went to a game, they asked for money.
2. Though I went to ALL the important games, nobody ever spoke to me.
3. When I went, I cheered loud, but the coach visited at MY house.
4. The benches are too hard.
5. The field judge said things I couldn't agree with.
6. I suspect those "regulars" are hypocrites (always after beer and hotdogs).
7. The band always played the same old songs (or never ones I knew).
8. Since I bought a book on football, I stay home and read it instead (I don't agree with all of it either).
9. I find the games on TV more exciting (Also MUCH more comfortable, the food's cheaper, no noisy kids... and they don't ask for money).
(Duluth, MN U. Methodist REMINDER)
NOW, WITH ELECTIONS COMING SOON...
Many politicians leave office because of illness and fatigue: people get sick and tired of them.
The reason some politicians don't have any ethics is because they don't know where to buy them.
A government big enough to give you EVERYthing you want is a government big enough to TAKE FROM you EVERYthing you HAVE.
TRY THIS FOR YOUR HALLOWEEN "SING ALONG SONG"
(sung to "Up on the Housetops")
Up in the pumpkin patch, witches pause.
Out jumps the great one, hear the applause!
Down through the rows with goodies and toys,
All for his followers, Halloween joys.
Haunt! Haunt! Haunt!
Who wouldn't want...
Haunt! Haunt! Haunt!
Who wouldn't want
to be in the pumpkin patch
CHEER! CHEER! CHEER!
Wait for the great one... and being sincere!
(from the Peanuts' Book of Pumpkin Carols)
DID you have fun with this one?? MORE next week.
HOW ABOUT THE GHOST WHO
tried out for the cheerleading squad...
just to add some team spirit!
LAST HALLOWEEN, as usual, we had a BIG bucket of wrapped candy.
One kid showed up at our door as an IRS agent. He was VERY authentic looking. He also took exactly 40% of our candy, and didn't bat an eye.
NOW THE REAL SPIRIT
Where there's LAUGHTER... there's HOPE!
"I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful." (Bob Hope)
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
I'LL NEVER GO TO A FOOTBALL GAME (EXCUSES)
1. Every time I went to a game, they asked for money.
2. Though I went to ALL the important games, nobody ever spoke to me.
3. When I went, I cheered loud, but the coach visited at MY house.
4. The benches are too hard.
5. The field judge said things I couldn't agree with.
6. I suspect those "regulars" are hypocrites (always after beer and hotdogs).
7. The band always played the same old songs (or never ones I knew).
8. Since I bought a book on football, I stay home and read it instead (I don't agree with all of it either).
9. I find the games on TV more exciting (Also MUCH more comfortable, the food's cheaper, no noisy kids... and they don't ask for money).
(Duluth, MN U. Methodist REMINDER)
NOW, WITH ELECTIONS COMING SOON...
Many politicians leave office because of illness and fatigue: people get sick and tired of them.
The reason some politicians don't have any ethics is because they don't know where to buy them.
A government big enough to give you EVERYthing you want is a government big enough to TAKE FROM you EVERYthing you HAVE.
TRY THIS FOR YOUR HALLOWEEN "SING ALONG SONG"
(sung to "Up on the Housetops")
Up in the pumpkin patch, witches pause.
Out jumps the great one, hear the applause!
Down through the rows with goodies and toys,
All for his followers, Halloween joys.
Haunt! Haunt! Haunt!
Who wouldn't want...
Haunt! Haunt! Haunt!
Who wouldn't want
to be in the pumpkin patch
CHEER! CHEER! CHEER!
Wait for the great one... and being sincere!
(from the Peanuts' Book of Pumpkin Carols)
DID you have fun with this one?? MORE next week.
HOW ABOUT THE GHOST WHO
tried out for the cheerleading squad...
just to add some team spirit!
LAST HALLOWEEN, as usual, we had a BIG bucket of wrapped candy.
One kid showed up at our door as an IRS agent. He was VERY authentic looking. He also took exactly 40% of our candy, and didn't bat an eye.
NOW THE REAL SPIRIT
Where there's LAUGHTER... there's HOPE!
"I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful." (Bob Hope)
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Monday, October 6, 2008
October 6th, 2008
10-6-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
TIME TO WIND DOWN BASEBALL
In Minneapolis, a sportswriter interviewed a hard-boiled young pitcher, recently added to the Twins' roster.
The scribe observed, "You're a tough hombre, all right. I bet you wouldn't give your own mother a decent pitch."
"Why should I," countered the pitcher angrily. "She batted .297 with Sacramento last season."
AND POWER UP FOR FOOTBALL
What's green, has bumps and plays football?
The Green Bay Pickles.
So, WHY DID THE FOOTBALL PLAYER...
make the commercial for the shampoo company?
He was troubled by split ends...
and VERY tight!
TIME TO START THE HALLOWEEN YUKS ALSO
Four ghosts were engaged in a hot Bridge game when a fifth ghost opened the door. A gust of wind blew all the cards off the table.
Grumbled one of the players, "Confound it, Archie, don't you know what a keyhole is for?" (B.Cerf's Laugh Day, Doubleday Pub.)
NOW LET'S GET DOWN TO EARTH
The guy wanted to learn how to skydive. He found an instructor and started lessons. When the time finally came for the first dive they stood by the plane and the instructor told the man how to position himself and pull the ripcord. He then explained that he would jump right afterward and be just a few yards away as they went down.
The pilot took them up, the man jumped, counted to ten and pulled the ripcord and his chute opened.
The instructor followed, but his chute FAILED to open. He rapidly decended past his student, frantically trying to open his chute.
Seeing this, the man unfastened the straps holding his chute and yelled, "So you want to race, huh?"
THE SPECIAL DEER HUNT...FOR DISABLED VETS is at Camp Ripley and I've been invited to shoot some footage for Vet's Visits again. Reminds me of the game warden who stopped a deep hunter and asked to see his license. The warden checked it out, then informed the hunter that it was last year's.
"I know," the hunter replied, "but I shouldn't need a new license. I'm just lookin' to shoot that blasted deer I missed last year... with THIS license."
SOME PRACTICAL THEOLOGY??
It was close to bedtime and the mom told her five-year-old to pick up her toys and take them to the back porch.
Knowing this involved a trip down a LOONG dark hallway the mom added, "Don't be afraid, Jesus will go with you."
The little girl thought for a moment, then, with arms full of toys looked up intently, "Well, if he's going, why can't HE take'em."
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
TIME TO WIND DOWN BASEBALL
In Minneapolis, a sportswriter interviewed a hard-boiled young pitcher, recently added to the Twins' roster.
The scribe observed, "You're a tough hombre, all right. I bet you wouldn't give your own mother a decent pitch."
"Why should I," countered the pitcher angrily. "She batted .297 with Sacramento last season."
AND POWER UP FOR FOOTBALL
What's green, has bumps and plays football?
The Green Bay Pickles.
So, WHY DID THE FOOTBALL PLAYER...
make the commercial for the shampoo company?
He was troubled by split ends...
and VERY tight!
TIME TO START THE HALLOWEEN YUKS ALSO
Four ghosts were engaged in a hot Bridge game when a fifth ghost opened the door. A gust of wind blew all the cards off the table.
Grumbled one of the players, "Confound it, Archie, don't you know what a keyhole is for?" (B.Cerf's Laugh Day, Doubleday Pub.)
NOW LET'S GET DOWN TO EARTH
The guy wanted to learn how to skydive. He found an instructor and started lessons. When the time finally came for the first dive they stood by the plane and the instructor told the man how to position himself and pull the ripcord. He then explained that he would jump right afterward and be just a few yards away as they went down.
The pilot took them up, the man jumped, counted to ten and pulled the ripcord and his chute opened.
The instructor followed, but his chute FAILED to open. He rapidly decended past his student, frantically trying to open his chute.
Seeing this, the man unfastened the straps holding his chute and yelled, "So you want to race, huh?"
THE SPECIAL DEER HUNT...FOR DISABLED VETS is at Camp Ripley and I've been invited to shoot some footage for Vet's Visits again. Reminds me of the game warden who stopped a deep hunter and asked to see his license. The warden checked it out, then informed the hunter that it was last year's.
"I know," the hunter replied, "but I shouldn't need a new license. I'm just lookin' to shoot that blasted deer I missed last year... with THIS license."
SOME PRACTICAL THEOLOGY??
It was close to bedtime and the mom told her five-year-old to pick up her toys and take them to the back porch.
Knowing this involved a trip down a LOONG dark hallway the mom added, "Don't be afraid, Jesus will go with you."
The little girl thought for a moment, then, with arms full of toys looked up intently, "Well, if he's going, why can't HE take'em."
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Monday, September 29, 2008
September 29th, 2008
9-29-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
WITH HUNTING SEASON IN THE AIR…
The minister who was an avid hunter purchased a hunting dog which the seller called a miracle dog. He would give no explanation just stating, “You’ll see.”
Duck season began and the minister took the dog to his blind by the lake. They waited and soon the birds flew low. He took aim, fired, a duck hit the water and the dog took off to retrieve the bird. BUT the dog walked right ACROSS the water, grabbed the bird and walked back.
Stunned, the minister now knew the reason the animal was called a miracle dog. He then decided that using this dog would be a perfect way to convert his hunter friends who were non-believers.
Several days later, he and a friend went hunting figuring that his miracle that his miracle dog would convert him. After all no one could deny their very eyes.
As before, at the blind, they watched the birds fly over the lake. The minister shot, a bird fell, the dog walked across the water and retrieved it. The atheist friend was silent. The clergy took another shot; the dog repeated the miracle.
The minister turned to his friend and said, “John, don’t you notice ANYthing unusual about my dog?”
“Sure. He can’t swim.”
WITH ELECTIONS COMING, HOW ABOUT ONE A WEEK?
The TV news reporter on the sidewalk asked a retired man what he thought of the presidential candidates for the election.
“Well, when I read and look at all the coverage I’m thankful that only one of them can get elected.”
FOOTBALL SHORTIES
How is an airline pilot like a football player?
They both like to make safe touchdowns.
What’s green, has bumps and plays football?
The Green Bay Pickles.
Why did the ghost try out for the cheerleading squad?
To add a little team spirit.
Teacher: Johnny, name the four seasons.
Johnny: Football, basketball, baseball and soccer.
(ED. I went out for football in Jr. High, made the second team. Instead of playing full back, I preferred the safety position… WAY back of the bench. Actually first chair trumpet was best.)
ANOTHER MIRACLE?
The father and small son were out duck hunting—the dad bragging about how good a hunter he was. When a lone duck flew over, he took careful aim and fired. The duck kept flying.
The father wasn’t upset. He turned to the boy and said, “Son, you have just witnessed a miracle. There flies a dead duck.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
WITH HUNTING SEASON IN THE AIR…
The minister who was an avid hunter purchased a hunting dog which the seller called a miracle dog. He would give no explanation just stating, “You’ll see.”
Duck season began and the minister took the dog to his blind by the lake. They waited and soon the birds flew low. He took aim, fired, a duck hit the water and the dog took off to retrieve the bird. BUT the dog walked right ACROSS the water, grabbed the bird and walked back.
Stunned, the minister now knew the reason the animal was called a miracle dog. He then decided that using this dog would be a perfect way to convert his hunter friends who were non-believers.
Several days later, he and a friend went hunting figuring that his miracle that his miracle dog would convert him. After all no one could deny their very eyes.
As before, at the blind, they watched the birds fly over the lake. The minister shot, a bird fell, the dog walked across the water and retrieved it. The atheist friend was silent. The clergy took another shot; the dog repeated the miracle.
The minister turned to his friend and said, “John, don’t you notice ANYthing unusual about my dog?”
“Sure. He can’t swim.”
WITH ELECTIONS COMING, HOW ABOUT ONE A WEEK?
The TV news reporter on the sidewalk asked a retired man what he thought of the presidential candidates for the election.
“Well, when I read and look at all the coverage I’m thankful that only one of them can get elected.”
FOOTBALL SHORTIES
How is an airline pilot like a football player?
They both like to make safe touchdowns.
What’s green, has bumps and plays football?
The Green Bay Pickles.
Why did the ghost try out for the cheerleading squad?
To add a little team spirit.
Teacher: Johnny, name the four seasons.
Johnny: Football, basketball, baseball and soccer.
(ED. I went out for football in Jr. High, made the second team. Instead of playing full back, I preferred the safety position… WAY back of the bench. Actually first chair trumpet was best.)
ANOTHER MIRACLE?
The father and small son were out duck hunting—the dad bragging about how good a hunter he was. When a lone duck flew over, he took careful aim and fired. The duck kept flying.
The father wasn’t upset. He turned to the boy and said, “Son, you have just witnessed a miracle. There flies a dead duck.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Monday, September 22, 2008
September 22nd, 2008
9-22-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
ACTUAL CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENT
- Now is your chance to get your ears pierced and get an extra pair… to take home.
- DINNER specials: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25, Children $2.
- USED CARS: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
- TIRED of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!
- FOR RENT: 6-room hated apartment.
- WE DO NOT tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully… by hand.
- WE WILL OIL your sewing machine and adjust the tension in your home.
SOME FOOTBALL DAFFYNITIONS (worship time out)
- “Quarterback Sneak” – An attender quietly leaves before the offering plate arrives.
- “Halftime” – The interlude between Sunday School and Worship when others leave.
- “Benchwarmer” – Those who attend sit (No other action).
- “Stay in the pocket” – An offering was brought… but also leaves with the person.
- “End Run” – Leaves quickly on the last hymn without speaking to others.
- “Blitz” – The rush for the restaurants.
(Chisago City United Presbyterian’s “UP-BEAT.”
THIS HAS BEEN AROUND FOR CENTURIES (so here goes)
CONFESSIONS… of an “OLDER” Lady
“Frankly, I’ve become a frivolous old gal and I’m still seeing FIVE gentlemen every day.
“As soon as I wake up, ‘Will Power’ helps me get out of bed. Then I go see ‘John.’ Shortly thereafter, ‘Charlie Horse’ usually comes along and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. Once he leaves, ‘Arthur Ritus’ always shows up and usually stays the rest of the day. He doesn’t like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I’m glad to go to bed with ‘Ben Gay,’ who goes straight to work on my need. What a life! And yes, I’m also flirting with ‘Al Zymer,’ who is slowly catching up with me.
“Yes, Pastor, I know I should be thinking of the hereafter. And I do it all the time. No matter where I am… in the parlor, upstairs, the kitchen or down in the basement. I say to to myself, “Now what am I here after??”
SOME CARTOON CAPTIONS (using YOUR imagination)
- (Little old lady sitting at her computer) - “I’m too old to date. Now I have e-lationships.”
- (She pulls open the drapes with a smile) There’s a beautiful scene of cracking dawn and a bird chirping… on a 60-inch flat screen.
- (Man sitting on the doctor’s exam table tells him) – “My lawyer says my arm is still bothering me.”
- (New father answering his cell phone on the golf course… with buddies waiting) - “Is is a boy or a girl?”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
ACTUAL CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENT
- Now is your chance to get your ears pierced and get an extra pair… to take home.
- DINNER specials: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25, Children $2.
- USED CARS: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
- TIRED of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!
- FOR RENT: 6-room hated apartment.
- WE DO NOT tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully… by hand.
- WE WILL OIL your sewing machine and adjust the tension in your home.
SOME FOOTBALL DAFFYNITIONS (worship time out)
- “Quarterback Sneak” – An attender quietly leaves before the offering plate arrives.
- “Halftime” – The interlude between Sunday School and Worship when others leave.
- “Benchwarmer” – Those who attend sit (No other action).
- “Stay in the pocket” – An offering was brought… but also leaves with the person.
- “End Run” – Leaves quickly on the last hymn without speaking to others.
- “Blitz” – The rush for the restaurants.
(Chisago City United Presbyterian’s “UP-BEAT.”
THIS HAS BEEN AROUND FOR CENTURIES (so here goes)
CONFESSIONS… of an “OLDER” Lady
“Frankly, I’ve become a frivolous old gal and I’m still seeing FIVE gentlemen every day.
“As soon as I wake up, ‘Will Power’ helps me get out of bed. Then I go see ‘John.’ Shortly thereafter, ‘Charlie Horse’ usually comes along and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. Once he leaves, ‘Arthur Ritus’ always shows up and usually stays the rest of the day. He doesn’t like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I’m glad to go to bed with ‘Ben Gay,’ who goes straight to work on my need. What a life! And yes, I’m also flirting with ‘Al Zymer,’ who is slowly catching up with me.
“Yes, Pastor, I know I should be thinking of the hereafter. And I do it all the time. No matter where I am… in the parlor, upstairs, the kitchen or down in the basement. I say to to myself, “Now what am I here after??”
SOME CARTOON CAPTIONS (using YOUR imagination)
- (Little old lady sitting at her computer) - “I’m too old to date. Now I have e-lationships.”
- (She pulls open the drapes with a smile) There’s a beautiful scene of cracking dawn and a bird chirping… on a 60-inch flat screen.
- (Man sitting on the doctor’s exam table tells him) – “My lawyer says my arm is still bothering me.”
- (New father answering his cell phone on the golf course… with buddies waiting) - “Is is a boy or a girl?”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Monday, September 15, 2008
September 15th, 2008
9-15-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
…AND WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING??
My friend’s daughter was expecting her second child. They had a ‘family talk’ with their five-year-old son Bobby. Dad said, “O.K., Bobby, we are going to have a baby, but we want to keep it a secret for about four months.”
Bobby replied, “OH yes, I can keep a secret easy.”
The next day Uncle Mike came over to give Bobby a ride in his truck. Uncle Mike said, “You sure seem happy today. What’s going on?” Bobby replied, “Well, Uncle Mike, it’s a big secret, but I can tell you this much—in about seven months, I’ll be a big brother.”
AND FROM “SMILE AWHILE”
My six-year-old cousin and her father were looking at a litter of puppies, planning to buy one.
When Kim’s father asked her which one she wanted, she pointed to a puppy whose tail wouldn’t stop wagging and said, “I want THAT one with the HAPPY ENDING.”
(SMILE AWHILE is printed in Portland, TN)
NOW…A FEW OF MURPHY’S LAWS
- The other line always moves faster.
- NO one’s life, liberty or property are safe… while the legislature is in session.
- In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don’t need it.
- No matter how long or how hard you comparison shop… after you’ve bought it it WILL be on sale… cheaper… somewhere else.
GO WHERE, HONEY??
A shipment of husbands had just arrived in heaven. St. Peter decided to speed up the processing so he said, “I want all the husbands who acted like mice on earth to form a line on my right. Those of you who were truly kings in your own castle on my left please.
The men rushed to their chosen line. On the right, the line of hen-pecked husbands stretched beyond the horizon. Only one man was in the left line.
St. Peter asked the lone man, “Are you sure you belong in the macho line?”
The man replied, “I don’t know, but this is where my wife told me to stand.”
AND IN CAT HEAVEN??
Whiskers the cat had gone to cat heaven. St. Peter (yes, the same) was showing him all the new blessings he would receive.
Finally, the very last door was opened. There were hundreds of mice skating around and eating cheese. “Oh boy, said Whiskers. “Just what I always wanted. Meals on Wheels.”
TIME TO START FOOTBALL…END OF THE FOURTH
only thirteen seconds were left of the BIG game. The home team was ahead by three points and had possession of the ball. The quarterback threw a pass to a first-year player who caught it… then dropped it. The opposing team recovered the ball and went on to score the winning touchdown.
Asked how he felt about the defeat, the home team’s coach said, “Well, that’s the way the rookie fumbles.”
(Stamper’s ’88, 101 SUPER SPORTS JOKES)
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
…AND WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING??
My friend’s daughter was expecting her second child. They had a ‘family talk’ with their five-year-old son Bobby. Dad said, “O.K., Bobby, we are going to have a baby, but we want to keep it a secret for about four months.”
Bobby replied, “OH yes, I can keep a secret easy.”
The next day Uncle Mike came over to give Bobby a ride in his truck. Uncle Mike said, “You sure seem happy today. What’s going on?” Bobby replied, “Well, Uncle Mike, it’s a big secret, but I can tell you this much—in about seven months, I’ll be a big brother.”
AND FROM “SMILE AWHILE”
My six-year-old cousin and her father were looking at a litter of puppies, planning to buy one.
When Kim’s father asked her which one she wanted, she pointed to a puppy whose tail wouldn’t stop wagging and said, “I want THAT one with the HAPPY ENDING.”
(SMILE AWHILE is printed in Portland, TN)
NOW…A FEW OF MURPHY’S LAWS
- The other line always moves faster.
- NO one’s life, liberty or property are safe… while the legislature is in session.
- In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don’t need it.
- No matter how long or how hard you comparison shop… after you’ve bought it it WILL be on sale… cheaper… somewhere else.
GO WHERE, HONEY??
A shipment of husbands had just arrived in heaven. St. Peter decided to speed up the processing so he said, “I want all the husbands who acted like mice on earth to form a line on my right. Those of you who were truly kings in your own castle on my left please.
The men rushed to their chosen line. On the right, the line of hen-pecked husbands stretched beyond the horizon. Only one man was in the left line.
St. Peter asked the lone man, “Are you sure you belong in the macho line?”
The man replied, “I don’t know, but this is where my wife told me to stand.”
AND IN CAT HEAVEN??
Whiskers the cat had gone to cat heaven. St. Peter (yes, the same) was showing him all the new blessings he would receive.
Finally, the very last door was opened. There were hundreds of mice skating around and eating cheese. “Oh boy, said Whiskers. “Just what I always wanted. Meals on Wheels.”
TIME TO START FOOTBALL…END OF THE FOURTH
only thirteen seconds were left of the BIG game. The home team was ahead by three points and had possession of the ball. The quarterback threw a pass to a first-year player who caught it… then dropped it. The opposing team recovered the ball and went on to score the winning touchdown.
Asked how he felt about the defeat, the home team’s coach said, “Well, that’s the way the rookie fumbles.”
(Stamper’s ’88, 101 SUPER SPORTS JOKES)
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Monday, September 8, 2008
September 8th, 2008
9-08-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
FOR A CHANGE… SOME ONE-LINERS.
- To err is human.
To blame it on the other person is even MORE human.
- An optimist is a person who waits for his teenager to get off the phone. // The pessimist has a phone listing for each teenager (if he can afford it).
- Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson, you find the present tense and the past perfect.
- If at first you don’t succeed… you’re like most people.
- The ego trip: We have a strange and wonderful relationship. He’s strange and I’m wonderful.
- Political jokes are funny… unless of course they get elected.
- I’ve got at least SIX road maps in my car. They tell me everything up to how to fold them back up.
- These people that demonstrate at political conventions—They seem more excited about action than cause.
NOW, BACK TO SOME DIALOGUE.
Doctor to patient: “Did you remember to follow the instructions for the medicine I gave you?”
Patient: “You mean to drink water thirty minutes before going to bed?”
Doctor: “Yes.”
Patient: “Well, I tried, but after the first five minutes, I was so full I couldn’t drink another drop.”
AND MORE??
On the way home from worship a little boy asked his mother, “Is it true, Mommy, that we are dust?”
“Yes, darling.”
“And we go back to dust when we die?”
“Yes, dear.”
“Well, Mommy, when I said my prayers last night I happened to look under the bed. I found somebody either coming… or going.”
TOO LATE FOR LAST WEEK’S SCHOOL EDITION
The young professor was ‘waxing eloquent’ to a group of elementary teachers on modern methods of education. He told them that, if they had a child that became unruly, to switch his (or her) attention.
An OLDER man in the audience arose and remarked, “That wasn’t what they switched when I was a boy.”
SO HERE IS FOR WHAT AILS YOU
“I’m getting really worried, Doctor, about myself. I need something to take me out of my state of lethargy and put me in fighting trim. Have you included anything like that in this prescription?”
“No, not in the prescription. You’ll find that in the bill.”
And now, a parting thought: He who laughs… lasts (and has fun too).
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
FOR A CHANGE… SOME ONE-LINERS.
- To err is human.
To blame it on the other person is even MORE human.
- An optimist is a person who waits for his teenager to get off the phone. // The pessimist has a phone listing for each teenager (if he can afford it).
- Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson, you find the present tense and the past perfect.
- If at first you don’t succeed… you’re like most people.
- The ego trip: We have a strange and wonderful relationship. He’s strange and I’m wonderful.
- Political jokes are funny… unless of course they get elected.
- I’ve got at least SIX road maps in my car. They tell me everything up to how to fold them back up.
- These people that demonstrate at political conventions—They seem more excited about action than cause.
NOW, BACK TO SOME DIALOGUE.
Doctor to patient: “Did you remember to follow the instructions for the medicine I gave you?”
Patient: “You mean to drink water thirty minutes before going to bed?”
Doctor: “Yes.”
Patient: “Well, I tried, but after the first five minutes, I was so full I couldn’t drink another drop.”
AND MORE??
On the way home from worship a little boy asked his mother, “Is it true, Mommy, that we are dust?”
“Yes, darling.”
“And we go back to dust when we die?”
“Yes, dear.”
“Well, Mommy, when I said my prayers last night I happened to look under the bed. I found somebody either coming… or going.”
TOO LATE FOR LAST WEEK’S SCHOOL EDITION
The young professor was ‘waxing eloquent’ to a group of elementary teachers on modern methods of education. He told them that, if they had a child that became unruly, to switch his (or her) attention.
An OLDER man in the audience arose and remarked, “That wasn’t what they switched when I was a boy.”
SO HERE IS FOR WHAT AILS YOU
“I’m getting really worried, Doctor, about myself. I need something to take me out of my state of lethargy and put me in fighting trim. Have you included anything like that in this prescription?”
“No, not in the prescription. You’ll find that in the bill.”
And now, a parting thought: He who laughs… lasts (and has fun too).
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Monday, September 1, 2008
September 1st, 2008
9-01-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
NOW, WITH SCHOOL STARTING
The first grader got home after his first day at school. His mother asked how the day went.
“O.K. I guess,” he replied, then added, “Except during spelling period the teacher didn’t know how to spell ‘cat.’ So I told her.”
(National American Legion magazine, Parting Shots)
THE PAROCHIAL SCHOOL TEACHER
asked the five year old if he knew the name of the first man God put on earth.
The little boy said, “Hoss.”
The teacher asked, “What did you say?”
The little boy replied, “I said Hoss.”
The teacher said, “No, it was Adam.”
Little boy said, “I knew it was one of the Cartright boys.” (ED. Remember clean family TV?)
(National V.F.W. magazine, jestaminute)
THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA HAD EQUIPMENT PROBLEMS
and, instead of a hot meal, served peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. As the satisfied eight-grader left he complimented the cafeteria manager,
“Finally, you gave us a home-cooked meal.”
TO JR. HIGH BOYS WERE STANDING IN THE
hall waiting for the bell to ring to start class the first day of school.
As the very pretty new girl passed by he whispered to his pal, “Wow, when I stop hating girls, she’s the one I’m going to stop hating first.”
OVER IN THE S.E. MOUNTAINS, THE FIRST YEAR
college girl was visiting back home. Her uneducated father asked: “Hey gal, what ‘ya learnin’ up at that fancy school?”
The girl said, “Well Pa, I’m studying history, psychology and English.”
That’s good, Sally.”
“I’m also studying algebra.”
“That’s fine. Say something in algebra for me.”
Not wanting to let her Daddy down she thought for a minute, then thoughtfully pronounced, “PI – r – square.”
The old man exploded, “If that’s what they’re learnin’ ya, you kin jest stop goin’ right now and wastin’ my money. Everyone knows pie are round and corn bread are square.”
AND BACK TO THIRD GRADE WHERE
Johnny was having a tough time with his homework. Finally, he asked his mother if she would help him.
“I’m sorry, Son. If I helped you it wouldn’t be right.”
“But gee, Mom,” he pleaded, “you could at least try.”
FINALLY, THERE IS A DIFFERENCE IN EDUCATION… AND LIFE.
In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.
AND… a B.A., M.A., D.A., Ph.D, M.Div., etc. won’t hurt you, if you’re willing to learn something later.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
NOW, WITH SCHOOL STARTING
The first grader got home after his first day at school. His mother asked how the day went.
“O.K. I guess,” he replied, then added, “Except during spelling period the teacher didn’t know how to spell ‘cat.’ So I told her.”
(National American Legion magazine, Parting Shots)
THE PAROCHIAL SCHOOL TEACHER
asked the five year old if he knew the name of the first man God put on earth.
The little boy said, “Hoss.”
The teacher asked, “What did you say?”
The little boy replied, “I said Hoss.”
The teacher said, “No, it was Adam.”
Little boy said, “I knew it was one of the Cartright boys.” (ED. Remember clean family TV?)
(National V.F.W. magazine, jestaminute)
THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA HAD EQUIPMENT PROBLEMS
and, instead of a hot meal, served peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. As the satisfied eight-grader left he complimented the cafeteria manager,
“Finally, you gave us a home-cooked meal.”
TO JR. HIGH BOYS WERE STANDING IN THE
hall waiting for the bell to ring to start class the first day of school.
As the very pretty new girl passed by he whispered to his pal, “Wow, when I stop hating girls, she’s the one I’m going to stop hating first.”
OVER IN THE S.E. MOUNTAINS, THE FIRST YEAR
college girl was visiting back home. Her uneducated father asked: “Hey gal, what ‘ya learnin’ up at that fancy school?”
The girl said, “Well Pa, I’m studying history, psychology and English.”
That’s good, Sally.”
“I’m also studying algebra.”
“That’s fine. Say something in algebra for me.”
Not wanting to let her Daddy down she thought for a minute, then thoughtfully pronounced, “PI – r – square.”
The old man exploded, “If that’s what they’re learnin’ ya, you kin jest stop goin’ right now and wastin’ my money. Everyone knows pie are round and corn bread are square.”
AND BACK TO THIRD GRADE WHERE
Johnny was having a tough time with his homework. Finally, he asked his mother if she would help him.
“I’m sorry, Son. If I helped you it wouldn’t be right.”
“But gee, Mom,” he pleaded, “you could at least try.”
FINALLY, THERE IS A DIFFERENCE IN EDUCATION… AND LIFE.
In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.
AND… a B.A., M.A., D.A., Ph.D, M.Div., etc. won’t hurt you, if you’re willing to learn something later.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
July 22nd, 2008
7-22-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
You Know You’re an Email Junky when…
* You wake-up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom…and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
* You turn off your modem and get this awful, empty feeling like you just pulled the plug on your best friend.
* You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap…and your child in the overhead compartment.
* You refer to going to the bathroom as… downloading.
* You check your mail. It says, “no new messages.” So you check it again.
Some signs of the times
On a maternity room door: Push, push, push.
On a fence: Salesmen Welcome. Dog Food is Expensive.
On an electrician’s truck: Let us Remove Your Shorts. (what a shocking experience!)
In a veterinarian’s office: Back in Five Minutes…Sit…Stay.
On the door of a computer shop: Out for a Quick Byte.
On the door of a music library: Bach in a Minuet.
With the elections coming soon
Politicians do not have an easy life. Somebody is always interrupting it with an election.
Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven’t had one since Taft. Look at the United States. We haven’t had one since Lincoln.
It is awful hard to get people interested in corruption unless they can get some of it.
A politician is just like a pickpocket; it’s almost impossible to get him to reform.
I guess truth can hurt you worse in an election than about anything that can happen to you.
It takes a great country to stand a thing like an election hitting it every four years.
Now, ready for the really big questions???
Why does Hawaii have INTERstate highways?
Why is “abbreviation” such a looong word?
Why are floatation devices under airplane seats rather than parachutes?
Why is it that, when you transport something by car it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by SHIP, it’s called cargo?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
A pun is it’s own re-word
* The blood ype of a pessimist is always B negative
* A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother
* Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
You Know You’re an Email Junky when…
* You wake-up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom…and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
* You turn off your modem and get this awful, empty feeling like you just pulled the plug on your best friend.
* You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap…and your child in the overhead compartment.
* You refer to going to the bathroom as… downloading.
* You check your mail. It says, “no new messages.” So you check it again.
Some signs of the times
On a maternity room door: Push, push, push.
On a fence: Salesmen Welcome. Dog Food is Expensive.
On an electrician’s truck: Let us Remove Your Shorts. (what a shocking experience!)
In a veterinarian’s office: Back in Five Minutes…Sit…Stay.
On the door of a computer shop: Out for a Quick Byte.
On the door of a music library: Bach in a Minuet.
With the elections coming soon
Politicians do not have an easy life. Somebody is always interrupting it with an election.
Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven’t had one since Taft. Look at the United States. We haven’t had one since Lincoln.
It is awful hard to get people interested in corruption unless they can get some of it.
A politician is just like a pickpocket; it’s almost impossible to get him to reform.
I guess truth can hurt you worse in an election than about anything that can happen to you.
It takes a great country to stand a thing like an election hitting it every four years.
Now, ready for the really big questions???
Why does Hawaii have INTERstate highways?
Why is “abbreviation” such a looong word?
Why are floatation devices under airplane seats rather than parachutes?
Why is it that, when you transport something by car it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by SHIP, it’s called cargo?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
A pun is it’s own re-word
* The blood ype of a pessimist is always B negative
* A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother
* Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
July 15th, 2008
7-15-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Old Philosophy…Still Valid
“Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs should just relax and get used to the idea.”
The Bible Proves Everything
A husband and wife argued about who should brew the coffee. “You should do it, “the wife said. “You get up first so we won’t have to wait so long for it.”
The husband shook his. “You’re in charge of cooking around here. It’s your job. I can just wait.”
“No, you should do it,” she glared back. “Beside, it’s in the New Testament of our Bible.”
“Show me,” he challenged.
The wife fetched their Bible and opened it to the top of several pages: “HEbrews.”
Time Waits for No Man…
* When I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire hanger and ignore suggestions that we call road service.
* When the car isn’t running well, I will pop the hood and stare at the enfine as if I know what I’m looking for. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and needed tools, I wouldn’t know where to start.” (We will then drink a cold one.)
* “You don’t have to ask if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you cried at the end of it…I didn’t
* Yes, I do think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without, it’s fine. Your hair is fine. Can we just go now?”
* Because I’m a man…I must hold the remote control in my hand while I watch TV. (Parting Shots, American Legion Magazine, July 2004)
Are you starting to see a trend?
…A woman steps out of a beauty shop…
Sue: “Oh, I love that styling! That’s so cute.”
Beth: “Do you think so? It’s not too fluffy?”
Sue: “Oh, no! It’s perfect for your face. I wish I could wear a cut like that.”
Beth: “But your hair looks fantastic. Don’t change a bit.”
…a man gets a haircut…
Stan: “Haircut?”
Bob: “Yep.”
Husbands Overheard
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always. If it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Old Philosophy…Still Valid
“Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs should just relax and get used to the idea.”
The Bible Proves Everything
A husband and wife argued about who should brew the coffee. “You should do it, “the wife said. “You get up first so we won’t have to wait so long for it.”
The husband shook his. “You’re in charge of cooking around here. It’s your job. I can just wait.”
“No, you should do it,” she glared back. “Beside, it’s in the New Testament of our Bible.”
“Show me,” he challenged.
The wife fetched their Bible and opened it to the top of several pages: “HEbrews.”
Time Waits for No Man…
* When I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire hanger and ignore suggestions that we call road service.
* When the car isn’t running well, I will pop the hood and stare at the enfine as if I know what I’m looking for. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and needed tools, I wouldn’t know where to start.” (We will then drink a cold one.)
* “You don’t have to ask if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you cried at the end of it…I didn’t
* Yes, I do think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without, it’s fine. Your hair is fine. Can we just go now?”
* Because I’m a man…I must hold the remote control in my hand while I watch TV. (Parting Shots, American Legion Magazine, July 2004)
Are you starting to see a trend?
…A woman steps out of a beauty shop…
Sue: “Oh, I love that styling! That’s so cute.”
Beth: “Do you think so? It’s not too fluffy?”
Sue: “Oh, no! It’s perfect for your face. I wish I could wear a cut like that.”
Beth: “But your hair looks fantastic. Don’t change a bit.”
…a man gets a haircut…
Stan: “Haircut?”
Bob: “Yep.”
Husbands Overheard
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always. If it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
July 8th, 2008
7-08-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Ah, the Freedom of Independence
The 4th of July is a unique holiday. Where else but in America can you find people who are paying off credit cards, a five-year car loan, a 30-year mortgage, a home improvement loan, losing money on the stock market…and still who celebrate their independence.
Some Tips on How to Enjoy 4th of July
1. If you see stars, it is not your vision…it’s our flag.
2. Driving? Watch for nuts on the highway.
3. If it rains, tune in the P.B.S. Capital 4th (or just to avoid Silver Lake).
4. When the Star-Spangled Banner is played, sing what you know and proudly hum the rest. Oh yes, and if you enjoy your freedom, your hand over your heart is your amen (so be it).
5. No matter when you go to bed, some night owl will still set off some loud crackers…three days early.
6. On July 5th, when all the fireworks are exploded, watch for God’s free display in the sky.
In the Rough Enough?
A golfer was setting up his shot out on the freeway when a ball hit him in the head and knocked him unconscious. He awoke to find another golfer expressing his apologies.
The downed golfer exclaimed, “I’m going to sue you for $5,000!!!”
Kneeling beside the wounded golfer, the second man explained, “I said ‘fore’.”
To which the downed golfer said, “I’ll take it.”
On the sport of…
The devil challenged St. Peter to a baseball game. “How can you win, Satan?” asked St. Peter. “All the famous big-league hitters are up here.”
“How can I lose?” bragged Satan. “All the umpires are down here!”
First come, first serve
It was ten hours before the big bowl-game and the line wound clear around the stadium. A man was trying to work his way to the front of the line.
A burly fan at the very front next to the gate growled at the man and heaved him back.
A second time the man tried to edge his way up but was again tossed back by the waiting fans.
After he was tossed back the third time, the poor soul picked himself up and said, “If you don’t stop throwing me out of line, nobody’s getting in this gate! I have the key.”
The family got home from Sunday worship
The father criticized the sermon. The daughter picked at the choir’s anthem and the mother found fault with the organist’s playing. They dropped the subject when the young son said, “But it sure was a good show for a nickel, don’t you think, Dad?”
Life’s greatest pleasures are the simplest ones. Like seeing the driver who passed and cut in ahead of you get pulled over three miles down the road.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Ah, the Freedom of Independence
The 4th of July is a unique holiday. Where else but in America can you find people who are paying off credit cards, a five-year car loan, a 30-year mortgage, a home improvement loan, losing money on the stock market…and still who celebrate their independence.
Some Tips on How to Enjoy 4th of July
1. If you see stars, it is not your vision…it’s our flag.
2. Driving? Watch for nuts on the highway.
3. If it rains, tune in the P.B.S. Capital 4th (or just to avoid Silver Lake).
4. When the Star-Spangled Banner is played, sing what you know and proudly hum the rest. Oh yes, and if you enjoy your freedom, your hand over your heart is your amen (so be it).
5. No matter when you go to bed, some night owl will still set off some loud crackers…three days early.
6. On July 5th, when all the fireworks are exploded, watch for God’s free display in the sky.
In the Rough Enough?
A golfer was setting up his shot out on the freeway when a ball hit him in the head and knocked him unconscious. He awoke to find another golfer expressing his apologies.
The downed golfer exclaimed, “I’m going to sue you for $5,000!!!”
Kneeling beside the wounded golfer, the second man explained, “I said ‘fore’.”
To which the downed golfer said, “I’ll take it.”
On the sport of…
The devil challenged St. Peter to a baseball game. “How can you win, Satan?” asked St. Peter. “All the famous big-league hitters are up here.”
“How can I lose?” bragged Satan. “All the umpires are down here!”
First come, first serve
It was ten hours before the big bowl-game and the line wound clear around the stadium. A man was trying to work his way to the front of the line.
A burly fan at the very front next to the gate growled at the man and heaved him back.
A second time the man tried to edge his way up but was again tossed back by the waiting fans.
After he was tossed back the third time, the poor soul picked himself up and said, “If you don’t stop throwing me out of line, nobody’s getting in this gate! I have the key.”
The family got home from Sunday worship
The father criticized the sermon. The daughter picked at the choir’s anthem and the mother found fault with the organist’s playing. They dropped the subject when the young son said, “But it sure was a good show for a nickel, don’t you think, Dad?”
Life’s greatest pleasures are the simplest ones. Like seeing the driver who passed and cut in ahead of you get pulled over three miles down the road.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
July 1st, 2008
7-01-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Happy Birthday America
Your independence was made possible by men and women who were courageous and determined that they would be free of the rulers of England.
To revolt for the right to govern their colonies was the only answer and many were injured and lost their lives. They defied the strongest nation on earth…and won.
Thomas Jefferson was appointed to write the Declaration of Independence. He finished June 11, having worked on it two weeks. It was approved…with 47 changes.
We celebrate July 4th as the day representatives of the 13 colonies voted to accept you country’s birth certificate. (The signers from the past have given US this birthday present… the gift of freedom…that is NOT FREE).
from Treasury for Special Day, Hovey Revel, ©1961
July is also… National Hot Dog Month
Little Jane: “Uncle Bill took Jimmy and me to the baseball game. He bought us stuff to eat.”
Her Father: “What was the final score?”
Little Jane: “Three hot dogs for me and four for Jimmy.”
…National Iced Tea Month
She: “Oh, this is the ideal spot for our picnic.”
He: “It must be or 50 million ants and mosquitoes would think so too!”
…July 22nd begins National Veggie Week
Baby Ear of Corn: “Momma, where did I come from?”
Momma Corn: “Husk, dear. The stalk brought you home.”
Time to ask…
How many surgeons does it take to remove a light bulb? None. You don’t need it out today, but if it continues to give you trouble, you should consider having it removed.
Don’t You Love Telemarketers?
(Lady on the phone) “I need time to consider your fabulous offer. Give me your number and I’ll call you back tomorrow night during YOUR dinner.”
continued…A Minnesota guide to computer lingo
MODEM: vhat ya did to the lawns last Yuly.
DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix’s wife.
LAPTOP: Vhere da grandkids sit.
KEYBOARD: Vhere ya supposed to hand da keys so da Misses can find em.
SOFTWARE: da plastic utensils, ya?
Thanks for you time…Share these chuckles and remember to smile …a lot. ‘Makes others wonder what you’ve been up to.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Happy Birthday America
Your independence was made possible by men and women who were courageous and determined that they would be free of the rulers of England.
To revolt for the right to govern their colonies was the only answer and many were injured and lost their lives. They defied the strongest nation on earth…and won.
Thomas Jefferson was appointed to write the Declaration of Independence. He finished June 11, having worked on it two weeks. It was approved…with 47 changes.
We celebrate July 4th as the day representatives of the 13 colonies voted to accept you country’s birth certificate. (The signers from the past have given US this birthday present… the gift of freedom…that is NOT FREE).
from Treasury for Special Day, Hovey Revel, ©1961
July is also… National Hot Dog Month
Little Jane: “Uncle Bill took Jimmy and me to the baseball game. He bought us stuff to eat.”
Her Father: “What was the final score?”
Little Jane: “Three hot dogs for me and four for Jimmy.”
…National Iced Tea Month
She: “Oh, this is the ideal spot for our picnic.”
He: “It must be or 50 million ants and mosquitoes would think so too!”
…July 22nd begins National Veggie Week
Baby Ear of Corn: “Momma, where did I come from?”
Momma Corn: “Husk, dear. The stalk brought you home.”
Time to ask…
How many surgeons does it take to remove a light bulb? None. You don’t need it out today, but if it continues to give you trouble, you should consider having it removed.
Don’t You Love Telemarketers?
(Lady on the phone) “I need time to consider your fabulous offer. Give me your number and I’ll call you back tomorrow night during YOUR dinner.”
continued…A Minnesota guide to computer lingo
MODEM: vhat ya did to the lawns last Yuly.
DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix’s wife.
LAPTOP: Vhere da grandkids sit.
KEYBOARD: Vhere ya supposed to hand da keys so da Misses can find em.
SOFTWARE: da plastic utensils, ya?
Thanks for you time…Share these chuckles and remember to smile …a lot. ‘Makes others wonder what you’ve been up to.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
June 24th, 2008
6-24-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Again, Tom-Tom has the location
The professional semi driver got caught under an overhead bridge of a county road. He got out, tipped his cap and scratched his head trying to figure a way to get his truck out.
The county-mounty pulled up behind him, got out of his squad car, put on his hat, adjusted his holsters and walked up to the semi driver and said, “What’s the matter fella, are you stuck?”
“Nah,” the driver responded, “I was delivering this bridge and I lost the address.”
While back on the highway…
where motorists have been reading hundreds of billboard messages signed by God. Samples include, “What part of thou shalt not… don’t you understand,” “Keep using my name in vain and I’ll make this rush hour longer,” and “Think it’s hot in here?”
So…who’s in charge here?
When I go on vacation, I don’t make any decisions. The boss tells me when, the wife tells me where, the back tells me how long and my vehicle tells me… get a moped.
The final solution
A man’s car stalled n the busy city street and within 15 seconds the woman behind him started honking continuously as he tried to restart it. Finally, the man got out and walked back to the honker to explain. “I can’t seem to get my car started, but if you’ll start it for me, I’ll stay here and lean on your horn.”
An insurance agent’s wife
was learning to drive when the breaks gave out at 25 mile per hour. As she tried to move through the city street she cried out to her husband, “What should I do?”
“Brace yourself,” he yelled, “and try to hit something cheap!”
An open and shut case?
All the cars on the highway were going at least 80 and the man felt very secure as part of the “convoy.” However, as he passed a patrol car, it pulled behind him with lights flashing. The officer handing him a citation, too the required information and started to walk back when the man said, “Officer I know I was speeding but I don’t think it’s fair. All those other cars around me were going just as fast. Why did I get a ticket?”
“Ever go fishing?” the police man asked.
“Um, yeah…” the startled man replied.
“Ever catch all the fish?”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Again, Tom-Tom has the location
The professional semi driver got caught under an overhead bridge of a county road. He got out, tipped his cap and scratched his head trying to figure a way to get his truck out.
The county-mounty pulled up behind him, got out of his squad car, put on his hat, adjusted his holsters and walked up to the semi driver and said, “What’s the matter fella, are you stuck?”
“Nah,” the driver responded, “I was delivering this bridge and I lost the address.”
While back on the highway…
where motorists have been reading hundreds of billboard messages signed by God. Samples include, “What part of thou shalt not… don’t you understand,” “Keep using my name in vain and I’ll make this rush hour longer,” and “Think it’s hot in here?”
So…who’s in charge here?
When I go on vacation, I don’t make any decisions. The boss tells me when, the wife tells me where, the back tells me how long and my vehicle tells me… get a moped.
The final solution
A man’s car stalled n the busy city street and within 15 seconds the woman behind him started honking continuously as he tried to restart it. Finally, the man got out and walked back to the honker to explain. “I can’t seem to get my car started, but if you’ll start it for me, I’ll stay here and lean on your horn.”
An insurance agent’s wife
was learning to drive when the breaks gave out at 25 mile per hour. As she tried to move through the city street she cried out to her husband, “What should I do?”
“Brace yourself,” he yelled, “and try to hit something cheap!”
An open and shut case?
All the cars on the highway were going at least 80 and the man felt very secure as part of the “convoy.” However, as he passed a patrol car, it pulled behind him with lights flashing. The officer handing him a citation, too the required information and started to walk back when the man said, “Officer I know I was speeding but I don’t think it’s fair. All those other cars around me were going just as fast. Why did I get a ticket?”
“Ever go fishing?” the police man asked.
“Um, yeah…” the startled man replied.
“Ever catch all the fish?”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
June 17th, 2008
6-17-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
June 15th was Father’s Day, so
With three boys I’ve learned from experience… A man NEVER wakes up his baby just to see him smile.
A fisherman gives his pastor…
several huge fillets.
A little sheepishly, the fisherman said, “I must tell you, these fish were caught on Sunday, Pastor. The pastor paused, then gratefully accepted the gifts, saying “Well, we can’t blame the fish for that, can we?”
Considering the dandelions in my neighbors yard…
When the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, it just may be they take better care of it.
Time for a Tom Tom
A city man was driving in the backwoods when he took a wrong turn and got lost. he drove down a bumpy gravel road hoping to find a farmer who could help him. He came to a fork in the road but couldn’t decide which way to turn. Then he saw a house and drove up the lane. A man was rocking on the porch.
“Hey, there!” he shouted. “Can you tell me where that left fork goes?”
“Don’t know,” the man replied.
“Well, can you tell me where the road on the right goes?”
Again, the man said he did not know.
Hearing this, the motorist became angry.
“You’re not very bright, are you?” yelled the motorist.
“Maybe not,” the man replied calmly as he continued to rock, “but I ain’t lost.” (Rochester Insti-Prints).
What’s good for the Parish
The 6-year-old daughter of a clergyman was sick and put to bed. As her mother left the bedroom, the little girl asked to see her father.
“No, dear,” her mother replied.
“Your daddy is busy in his study and not to be disturbed.”
The little girl persisted and the mother repeated that her father was too busy.
The little girl sat up and declared, “Mommy, I am a sick person and I want to see my minister.”
Back to summer and the tourist… who was introduced to a Native American in New Mexico who was said to have a perfect memory. Skeptical, the tourist asked him, “What did you have for breakfast?”
The Indian replied, “eggs.”
The tourist scoffed, “everyone could eat eggs for breakfast… he’s a phony.”
Thirteen years later, the tourist drove through the small town and there was the same Indian and said jovially, “How!”
The Native American answered, “scrambled.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
June 15th was Father’s Day, so
With three boys I’ve learned from experience… A man NEVER wakes up his baby just to see him smile.
A fisherman gives his pastor…
several huge fillets.
A little sheepishly, the fisherman said, “I must tell you, these fish were caught on Sunday, Pastor. The pastor paused, then gratefully accepted the gifts, saying “Well, we can’t blame the fish for that, can we?”
Considering the dandelions in my neighbors yard…
When the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, it just may be they take better care of it.
Time for a Tom Tom
A city man was driving in the backwoods when he took a wrong turn and got lost. he drove down a bumpy gravel road hoping to find a farmer who could help him. He came to a fork in the road but couldn’t decide which way to turn. Then he saw a house and drove up the lane. A man was rocking on the porch.
“Hey, there!” he shouted. “Can you tell me where that left fork goes?”
“Don’t know,” the man replied.
“Well, can you tell me where the road on the right goes?”
Again, the man said he did not know.
Hearing this, the motorist became angry.
“You’re not very bright, are you?” yelled the motorist.
“Maybe not,” the man replied calmly as he continued to rock, “but I ain’t lost.” (Rochester Insti-Prints).
What’s good for the Parish
The 6-year-old daughter of a clergyman was sick and put to bed. As her mother left the bedroom, the little girl asked to see her father.
“No, dear,” her mother replied.
“Your daddy is busy in his study and not to be disturbed.”
The little girl persisted and the mother repeated that her father was too busy.
The little girl sat up and declared, “Mommy, I am a sick person and I want to see my minister.”
Back to summer and the tourist… who was introduced to a Native American in New Mexico who was said to have a perfect memory. Skeptical, the tourist asked him, “What did you have for breakfast?”
The Indian replied, “eggs.”
The tourist scoffed, “everyone could eat eggs for breakfast… he’s a phony.”
Thirteen years later, the tourist drove through the small town and there was the same Indian and said jovially, “How!”
The Native American answered, “scrambled.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
June 3rd, 2008
6-03-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
So, June is National Recreation Month
* Wouldn’t it be great if we could re-create the 2000 gas prices.
* People go on vacation to forget things. Then, when they open their suitcase, find they did.
* A vacation is when you are likely to include nap in the budget.
* No matter where you go on vacation, your money will seldom go far enough… unless you’ve moved from bartering, to cash, to check book, to credit card, to ATM, to debit card to… (what did I miss?)…vacation at home.
And June 14th the Army was founded (1775)
Bob and Joe were boasting about their Army Days. “My outfit was so well drilled,” declared Bob, “that when we presented arms, all you could hear was slap, slap, click.”
“Very good,” Joe replied. “but when my company presented arms, you just heard slap, slap, jingle.”
“What was the jingle?” Bob asked.
“Oh, just our medals.”
Two Korean War Army Buddies…met after many years. One said, “I’m having trouble remembering names. I have to apologize to you, I just can’t recall your name! Will you tell me your name?”
“How soon do you have to know?” (from VFW magazine, 2002).
Time to Honor our Nation’s Flag…June 14th
“I pledge allegiance” – I promise to be true.
“To the flag” – the symbol of our country.
“Of the United States of America” – each state that has joined the Union.
“And to the republic” – a republic is a country where people choose others to make laws for them. This government is FOR the people.
“For which it stands” – the flag means the country… all the states.
“One nation” – the people accept, believe they are under the will of a Supreme Being… Spirit.
“Indivisible” – this country will not be split into parts… divided.
“With liberty and justice” – with freedom and fairness to all…in all areas of life.
“For all – Each person is valued and equal in the rights and responsibilities of being true, faithful and honorable to the flag of the 50 stars on a blue field of honor; thirteen white stripes for the purity of spirit of the colonies and thirteen red stripes for the blood they historically did shed. (from page 25 “Be Right on Flag Etiquette” – American Legion.)
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
So, June is National Recreation Month
* Wouldn’t it be great if we could re-create the 2000 gas prices.
* People go on vacation to forget things. Then, when they open their suitcase, find they did.
* A vacation is when you are likely to include nap in the budget.
* No matter where you go on vacation, your money will seldom go far enough… unless you’ve moved from bartering, to cash, to check book, to credit card, to ATM, to debit card to… (what did I miss?)…vacation at home.
And June 14th the Army was founded (1775)
Bob and Joe were boasting about their Army Days. “My outfit was so well drilled,” declared Bob, “that when we presented arms, all you could hear was slap, slap, click.”
“Very good,” Joe replied. “but when my company presented arms, you just heard slap, slap, jingle.”
“What was the jingle?” Bob asked.
“Oh, just our medals.”
Two Korean War Army Buddies…met after many years. One said, “I’m having trouble remembering names. I have to apologize to you, I just can’t recall your name! Will you tell me your name?”
“How soon do you have to know?” (from VFW magazine, 2002).
Time to Honor our Nation’s Flag…June 14th
“I pledge allegiance” – I promise to be true.
“To the flag” – the symbol of our country.
“Of the United States of America” – each state that has joined the Union.
“And to the republic” – a republic is a country where people choose others to make laws for them. This government is FOR the people.
“For which it stands” – the flag means the country… all the states.
“One nation” – the people accept, believe they are under the will of a Supreme Being… Spirit.
“Indivisible” – this country will not be split into parts… divided.
“With liberty and justice” – with freedom and fairness to all…in all areas of life.
“For all – Each person is valued and equal in the rights and responsibilities of being true, faithful and honorable to the flag of the 50 stars on a blue field of honor; thirteen white stripes for the purity of spirit of the colonies and thirteen red stripes for the blood they historically did shed. (from page 25 “Be Right on Flag Etiquette” – American Legion.)
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
May 27th, 2008
5-27-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
VERSUS…
A couple was both very tired. He had been at an auction most of the day and she had been playing golf. As they watched TV, both dozed off.
“FORE!,” she suddenly shouted from her dreams.
“”Four-and-a-quarter,” he shouted without opening his eyes.
ARE YOU READY FOR… ETHNIC AND CLERGY?
The Rev. Ole is pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground that said: “THE END IS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW BAFORE IT’S TOO LATE!”
A car sped past them and the driver leaned out the window and yelled, “Leave me alone you Skandihoovian, religious nuts!”
From the curve ahead, the clergy heard screeching tires and a huge splash. The Rev. Ole turned to Pastor Sven and asked, “Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, ‘Bridge out!’”
OR GET A SECOND OPINION…
A playwright received a manuscript with a note attached. “Please read the enclosed and advise. I need an answer at once as I have other irons in the fire.”
The playwright wrote back: “Remove irons. Replace with manuscript.”
WATCH FOR THE WARNING
A burglar broke into a house late at night. As he filled his sack with goodies, he was shaken by a voice saying softly, “God is watching you.”
As he stood there shaking, the voice again said, “God is watching you.”
The burglar finally looked up and realized that a parrot in the corner was the one doing the talking.
“You stupid bird,” he said. “You scared me half to death. He, what’s your name anyhow?”
“Milo,” responded the bird.
“What idiot would name a bird, Milo?”
“The same idiot who’d name a 125-pound Doberman, ‘God.’”
NOW…FOR An UNCOMPLICATE… KNOCK, KNOCK
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Cows…
Cows who?
No they don’t, they moo!
Try again? Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Duey.
Duey who?
Duey have to keep telling knock, knock jokes?
WHO WANTS TO TURN BACK YOUR ODOMETER?
I wouldn’t. I want people to know “why” I took this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved. So, I’ll ‘Hit the Road, Jack.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
VERSUS…
A couple was both very tired. He had been at an auction most of the day and she had been playing golf. As they watched TV, both dozed off.
“FORE!,” she suddenly shouted from her dreams.
“”Four-and-a-quarter,” he shouted without opening his eyes.
ARE YOU READY FOR… ETHNIC AND CLERGY?
The Rev. Ole is pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground that said: “THE END IS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW BAFORE IT’S TOO LATE!”
A car sped past them and the driver leaned out the window and yelled, “Leave me alone you Skandihoovian, religious nuts!”
From the curve ahead, the clergy heard screeching tires and a huge splash. The Rev. Ole turned to Pastor Sven and asked, “Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, ‘Bridge out!’”
OR GET A SECOND OPINION…
A playwright received a manuscript with a note attached. “Please read the enclosed and advise. I need an answer at once as I have other irons in the fire.”
The playwright wrote back: “Remove irons. Replace with manuscript.”
WATCH FOR THE WARNING
A burglar broke into a house late at night. As he filled his sack with goodies, he was shaken by a voice saying softly, “God is watching you.”
As he stood there shaking, the voice again said, “God is watching you.”
The burglar finally looked up and realized that a parrot in the corner was the one doing the talking.
“You stupid bird,” he said. “You scared me half to death. He, what’s your name anyhow?”
“Milo,” responded the bird.
“What idiot would name a bird, Milo?”
“The same idiot who’d name a 125-pound Doberman, ‘God.’”
NOW…FOR An UNCOMPLICATE… KNOCK, KNOCK
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Cows…
Cows who?
No they don’t, they moo!
Try again? Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Duey.
Duey who?
Duey have to keep telling knock, knock jokes?
WHO WANTS TO TURN BACK YOUR ODOMETER?
I wouldn’t. I want people to know “why” I took this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved. So, I’ll ‘Hit the Road, Jack.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
May 20th, 2008
5-20-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Since School Is Nearly Out…
Little five-year-old Brent came home from his kindergarten class and had a real worried look on his face.
“What’s wrong? his mother asked.
Brent explained, “We were talking about hygiene today in school. Better call a doctor for medicine, Mom. I think I have it.”
Teacher: “Can anyone tell me what a fish net is made of?”
Little Boy: “A lot of little holes tied together with strings.
Can you trust…
Two teenagers are on a tour of a modern art gallery. They find themselves alone in a room of modern sculpture staring at the twisted pipes, mounds of broken glass and tangled shapes of a mixed variety of materials in the exhibit.
One of them, really alarmed, said, “Let’s get out of here before they blame us for wrecking this place.”
Dog Gone it All
“My six-year-old son was just given a dog,” said one father to another.
“How’s it working out?”
“Well we’re sending him to obedience school. And, if it works out well, we’ll send the dog too.”
So, Who’s the Teacher Here?
According to the latest studies, more than 40% of teens talk openly with their parents about sex. And more than 20% of the parents are able to use what they learn from those talks.
The Blame Game
A teacher, after correcting and handing back little Johnny’s paper, remarked, “I don’t see how one person can make so many mistakes on his homework.”
Johnny thought a moment then replied, “It wasn’t all one person. My dad helped.”
The New Competition
Two boys from different schools meet. “I’ll bet my school’s computers are faster then your school’s computers.”
And on to College where…
One question answered incorrectly by all students tested: “If having tonsils removed is a tonsillectomy and having the appendix removed is an appendectomy, what is the term for having a growth removed from the head?”
The answer: A haircut.
And Your Future Plans are?
One college gal was going ot get a job as an airline hostess so she would meet lots of men.
“Might be a plan,” agreed her friend, “but wouldn’t you meet as many men doing something else?”
The first girl shrugged. “Could be,” she admitted, “but not strapped down.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Since School Is Nearly Out…
Little five-year-old Brent came home from his kindergarten class and had a real worried look on his face.
“What’s wrong? his mother asked.
Brent explained, “We were talking about hygiene today in school. Better call a doctor for medicine, Mom. I think I have it.”
Teacher: “Can anyone tell me what a fish net is made of?”
Little Boy: “A lot of little holes tied together with strings.
Can you trust…
Two teenagers are on a tour of a modern art gallery. They find themselves alone in a room of modern sculpture staring at the twisted pipes, mounds of broken glass and tangled shapes of a mixed variety of materials in the exhibit.
One of them, really alarmed, said, “Let’s get out of here before they blame us for wrecking this place.”
Dog Gone it All
“My six-year-old son was just given a dog,” said one father to another.
“How’s it working out?”
“Well we’re sending him to obedience school. And, if it works out well, we’ll send the dog too.”
So, Who’s the Teacher Here?
According to the latest studies, more than 40% of teens talk openly with their parents about sex. And more than 20% of the parents are able to use what they learn from those talks.
The Blame Game
A teacher, after correcting and handing back little Johnny’s paper, remarked, “I don’t see how one person can make so many mistakes on his homework.”
Johnny thought a moment then replied, “It wasn’t all one person. My dad helped.”
The New Competition
Two boys from different schools meet. “I’ll bet my school’s computers are faster then your school’s computers.”
And on to College where…
One question answered incorrectly by all students tested: “If having tonsils removed is a tonsillectomy and having the appendix removed is an appendectomy, what is the term for having a growth removed from the head?”
The answer: A haircut.
And Your Future Plans are?
One college gal was going ot get a job as an airline hostess so she would meet lots of men.
“Might be a plan,” agreed her friend, “but wouldn’t you meet as many men doing something else?”
The first girl shrugged. “Could be,” she admitted, “but not strapped down.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
May 13th, 2008
5-13-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Mother’s Day was Sunday so…
Yea!!
It’s Fishing Season Again
Ole and Sven made their first fishing trip up to Canada. They caught one keeper pike. Driving home they contemplated the joys of their week up North. Then, Ole remarked, “Ya know, the vay I figured our expenses dat fish cost us $400.”
“Veil,” said Sven, “at dat price it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more.”
A little boy who loved to go fishing with his father had just learned the 23rd Psalm and was reciting it in Sunday School. When he got to the fourth verse the class hears, “…Thy rod and Thy reel, they comfort me.”
You’ve Heard the Old Adages…
Never saw a man who could fish… and worry at the same time.
Old fishermen never die… they just smell that way.
Now, shifting gears…
A Ford was stuck in the mud. A man driving a Cadillac came to the rescue. The Samaritan explained that he was on his way to a pressing appointment but would attach a cable and pull the Ford back on the road.
It was done and the Caddie was soon on its way. However, its driver, in his haste, forgot to remove the cable and sped off still attached to the Ford.
The pace grew faster and faster. Up the road a highway patrol officer attempted to stop the speeding Cadillac but with no success. Finally the patrolman radioed a message to a fellow officer ahead: “Look out for a Cadillac going 80 miles and hour. And, believe it or not, an old Ford is behind honking for the road.”
The Clergy Person
Was arrested for speeding, “Officer,” the pastor said, “I am about my Heavenly Father’s business.”
“Well, I read the same Bible, pastor. It also says, ‘Go out on the highways and byways and gather them in.’ So, that’s just what I’m doing.” (The 18th is Peace Officer’s Day)
If at First You Don’t Succeed…
A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He phoned a plumber listed in the Yellow Pages. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, fixed the problem and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much an hour as a doctor!”
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”
And Finally…Two Fisherman
Were out on Mille Lacks when suddenly a hand appears above the water.
“What’s that,” says one. “It looks like someone is drowning!”
“No way,” says the other.
“It’s just a wave.” (so long for now).
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Mother’s Day was Sunday so…
Yea!!
It’s Fishing Season Again
Ole and Sven made their first fishing trip up to Canada. They caught one keeper pike. Driving home they contemplated the joys of their week up North. Then, Ole remarked, “Ya know, the vay I figured our expenses dat fish cost us $400.”
“Veil,” said Sven, “at dat price it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more.”
A little boy who loved to go fishing with his father had just learned the 23rd Psalm and was reciting it in Sunday School. When he got to the fourth verse the class hears, “…Thy rod and Thy reel, they comfort me.”
You’ve Heard the Old Adages…
Never saw a man who could fish… and worry at the same time.
Old fishermen never die… they just smell that way.
Now, shifting gears…
A Ford was stuck in the mud. A man driving a Cadillac came to the rescue. The Samaritan explained that he was on his way to a pressing appointment but would attach a cable and pull the Ford back on the road.
It was done and the Caddie was soon on its way. However, its driver, in his haste, forgot to remove the cable and sped off still attached to the Ford.
The pace grew faster and faster. Up the road a highway patrol officer attempted to stop the speeding Cadillac but with no success. Finally the patrolman radioed a message to a fellow officer ahead: “Look out for a Cadillac going 80 miles and hour. And, believe it or not, an old Ford is behind honking for the road.”
The Clergy Person
Was arrested for speeding, “Officer,” the pastor said, “I am about my Heavenly Father’s business.”
“Well, I read the same Bible, pastor. It also says, ‘Go out on the highways and byways and gather them in.’ So, that’s just what I’m doing.” (The 18th is Peace Officer’s Day)
If at First You Don’t Succeed…
A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He phoned a plumber listed in the Yellow Pages. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, fixed the problem and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much an hour as a doctor!”
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”
And Finally…Two Fisherman
Were out on Mille Lacks when suddenly a hand appears above the water.
“What’s that,” says one. “It looks like someone is drowning!”
“No way,” says the other.
“It’s just a wave.” (so long for now).
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
May 6th, 2008
5-06-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
‘Have your incentive check yet?
The difference between adults and children is adults have toys that require monthly payments.
This week… professions
1. Doctor.
A woman went into the doctor’s office. “Doctor,” she asked, what should I take when I’m run down?”
He replied, “the license number.”
2. Lawyer
A doctor, lawyer and a physicist were debating which profession was mentioned first in the Bible.
“God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve,” said the doctor.
“That involved a surgical procedure, so doctors were mentioned first.”
“No, no,” countered the physicist. “God created order out of chaos and that required a knowledge of the science of matter. So my profession was mentioned first.”
The lawyer coyly smiled and said, “No, lawyers were mentioned first. Who do you tink created the chaos?”
3. How about Politicians? (we are “politically correct,” sorry).
A politician running for office got a bit carried away and spoke for two hours. Finally, he realized what happened and said, “I’m sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home.”
A voice from the back of the room called out, “There’s a calendar behind you.”
4. The Military.
Two young sailors from the Midwest were assigned aboard ship for their first duty. As they left port and stood at the bow, one motioned to the wide expanse of the ocean and said, “Did you ever see so much water in your life?”
The other replied with wonder, “Nope. And we’re only looking at the top of it!”
5. A bed and breakfast hostess.
Customer to hostess: “Why does your dog growl at me while I’m eating my pancakes? Does he want me to feed him?
“No,” said the hostess, “he’s just angry because you’re eating off his favorite plate.”
6. Business in general.
Two business partners went fishing in a small boat. Suddenly a storm blew up and the boat capsized. One of the men began to swim but his business partner floundered helplessly in his life jacket.
“Jim,” the swimmer called to the non-swimmer, “can you float alone?”
“My gosh,” cried Jim. “I’m helpless and you want to talk business.”
7. Finally, Actors.
Actors used to clean the grease paint off their faces with pork fat. That’s why we’re called “hams.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
‘Have your incentive check yet?
The difference between adults and children is adults have toys that require monthly payments.
This week… professions
1. Doctor.
A woman went into the doctor’s office. “Doctor,” she asked, what should I take when I’m run down?”
He replied, “the license number.”
2. Lawyer
A doctor, lawyer and a physicist were debating which profession was mentioned first in the Bible.
“God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve,” said the doctor.
“That involved a surgical procedure, so doctors were mentioned first.”
“No, no,” countered the physicist. “God created order out of chaos and that required a knowledge of the science of matter. So my profession was mentioned first.”
The lawyer coyly smiled and said, “No, lawyers were mentioned first. Who do you tink created the chaos?”
3. How about Politicians? (we are “politically correct,” sorry).
A politician running for office got a bit carried away and spoke for two hours. Finally, he realized what happened and said, “I’m sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home.”
A voice from the back of the room called out, “There’s a calendar behind you.”
4. The Military.
Two young sailors from the Midwest were assigned aboard ship for their first duty. As they left port and stood at the bow, one motioned to the wide expanse of the ocean and said, “Did you ever see so much water in your life?”
The other replied with wonder, “Nope. And we’re only looking at the top of it!”
5. A bed and breakfast hostess.
Customer to hostess: “Why does your dog growl at me while I’m eating my pancakes? Does he want me to feed him?
“No,” said the hostess, “he’s just angry because you’re eating off his favorite plate.”
6. Business in general.
Two business partners went fishing in a small boat. Suddenly a storm blew up and the boat capsized. One of the men began to swim but his business partner floundered helplessly in his life jacket.
“Jim,” the swimmer called to the non-swimmer, “can you float alone?”
“My gosh,” cried Jim. “I’m helpless and you want to talk business.”
7. Finally, Actors.
Actors used to clean the grease paint off their faces with pork fat. That’s why we’re called “hams.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
April 29th, 2008
4-29-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Yeah Team…Fight!!
Coach: (to young player) “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
Child Player: “Yes, Coach.”
Coach: “When a strike is called out at first, you don’t argue, curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand that?”
Child: “Yes.”
Coach: “Good, now go over and explain it to your mother.”
Dog Gone Shame
The man takes his dog into the movie theatre. It’s a romantic comedy and whenever there’s a funny scene the dog starts laughing. Later, there’s a sad part and suddenly the dog starts crying. This goes on throughout the entire film. A man sitting nearby witnessed the dog’s actions and decides to follow them out after the movie.
In the foyer, he approaches the dog’s owner and says, “That’s truly amazing. your dog seemed to understand the whole plot!”
“It sure is,” the dog-owner replied, “he hated the book.”
A duck went to a local store
to buy chapstick, and the clerk asked if he would pay cash and the duck said, no, just put it on my bill.
It’s just a a man thing
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of the study: “Duh.”
and…
“Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection,” she stated. “My husband forgot the code to turn off the house alarm. When the police came, he wouldn’t admit he’d forgotten the code. He turned himself in.”
and…
My personal motto is: “If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson… were camping in their tent. They had been asleep beneath the night sky when Holmes suddenly awoke and shook his friend.
“Watson, look at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions of brilliant stars,” said Watson.
“And what does that tell you?”
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are countless galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. And you Holmes?
Holmes paused. “What I see Watson… is that someone has stolen our tent!”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Yeah Team…Fight!!
Coach: (to young player) “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
Child Player: “Yes, Coach.”
Coach: “When a strike is called out at first, you don’t argue, curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand that?”
Child: “Yes.”
Coach: “Good, now go over and explain it to your mother.”
Dog Gone Shame
The man takes his dog into the movie theatre. It’s a romantic comedy and whenever there’s a funny scene the dog starts laughing. Later, there’s a sad part and suddenly the dog starts crying. This goes on throughout the entire film. A man sitting nearby witnessed the dog’s actions and decides to follow them out after the movie.
In the foyer, he approaches the dog’s owner and says, “That’s truly amazing. your dog seemed to understand the whole plot!”
“It sure is,” the dog-owner replied, “he hated the book.”
A duck went to a local store
to buy chapstick, and the clerk asked if he would pay cash and the duck said, no, just put it on my bill.
It’s just a a man thing
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of the study: “Duh.”
and…
“Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection,” she stated. “My husband forgot the code to turn off the house alarm. When the police came, he wouldn’t admit he’d forgotten the code. He turned himself in.”
and…
My personal motto is: “If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson… were camping in their tent. They had been asleep beneath the night sky when Holmes suddenly awoke and shook his friend.
“Watson, look at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions of brilliant stars,” said Watson.
“And what does that tell you?”
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are countless galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. And you Holmes?
Holmes paused. “What I see Watson… is that someone has stolen our tent!”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
April 22nd, 2008
4-22-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Time to wet a line…
These two North Dakotans rented a fishing boat and, in their first anchored spot, caught 30 Iowa Walleyes (sorry, 30 bullheads).
“We need to mark this spot so we can come here tomorrow,” the first man said.
His friend replied, “Great idea. How about I put a big ‘X’ on the bottom of this boat.”
The first man agrees, “Right, then we could find it. But hold up – what if we don’t rent this boat?”
Fishing west of St. Cloud on the Sauk River Chain…my son, Norm, and I pulled up to the dock. Another resort visitor asked if we had any luck.
“Oh yes,” I replied, as we unloaded our gear.”
“But I don’t see any fish in your bucket. ‘Get any strikes?”
“Just a small on eon a daredevil. Oh yes, and lots of luck with great weather, good company and fantastic scenery.” (True!)
Some odd signs from England
* In a London department store: “Bargain Basement… Upstairs.”
* In an office: “Would the person who took the stepladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps WILL be taken.”
* Outside the second-hand shop: “We exchange anything: bicycles, washing machines, et. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.”
* On a repair shop door: “We can repair anything (Please knock HARD on the door. The bell doesn’t work.”
This Yoke Pollutes
Very early on morning, two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a big worm on the other side. So, one flies over and the other swims through… Which one gets to the worm first?
The one who swam, of course “Da, oily boid gets the woim.”
The Wind came up on Mille “Lacks”…while the two Supreme Court justices were out fishing. (what else!)
One became seasick. “Can I do anything for you,” asked the other.
“Yes,” replied the sick one with a gasp, “Overrule the motion!”
Now a toast (roast) to all who wet a line
Here’s to our fisherman brave,
Here’s to the fish he caught,
Here’s to the ones that got away,
And here’s to the ones he bought!
(more next week)
In honor of Secretary/Administrative Assistant Day, April 23rd
The boss asked his secretary/administrative assistant: “What do you think we should do about the ignorance and apathy around here?”
The secretary answered: “I don’t know, and I don’t care!”
(Thanks to Bob Martin of Rochester for the joke).
Sharing Appreciation is a wonderful thing: it makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.” – Voltaire
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Time to wet a line…
These two North Dakotans rented a fishing boat and, in their first anchored spot, caught 30 Iowa Walleyes (sorry, 30 bullheads).
“We need to mark this spot so we can come here tomorrow,” the first man said.
His friend replied, “Great idea. How about I put a big ‘X’ on the bottom of this boat.”
The first man agrees, “Right, then we could find it. But hold up – what if we don’t rent this boat?”
Fishing west of St. Cloud on the Sauk River Chain…my son, Norm, and I pulled up to the dock. Another resort visitor asked if we had any luck.
“Oh yes,” I replied, as we unloaded our gear.”
“But I don’t see any fish in your bucket. ‘Get any strikes?”
“Just a small on eon a daredevil. Oh yes, and lots of luck with great weather, good company and fantastic scenery.” (True!)
Some odd signs from England
* In a London department store: “Bargain Basement… Upstairs.”
* In an office: “Would the person who took the stepladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps WILL be taken.”
* Outside the second-hand shop: “We exchange anything: bicycles, washing machines, et. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.”
* On a repair shop door: “We can repair anything (Please knock HARD on the door. The bell doesn’t work.”
This Yoke Pollutes
Very early on morning, two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a big worm on the other side. So, one flies over and the other swims through… Which one gets to the worm first?
The one who swam, of course “Da, oily boid gets the woim.”
The Wind came up on Mille “Lacks”…while the two Supreme Court justices were out fishing. (what else!)
One became seasick. “Can I do anything for you,” asked the other.
“Yes,” replied the sick one with a gasp, “Overrule the motion!”
Now a toast (roast) to all who wet a line
Here’s to our fisherman brave,
Here’s to the fish he caught,
Here’s to the ones that got away,
And here’s to the ones he bought!
(more next week)
In honor of Secretary/Administrative Assistant Day, April 23rd
The boss asked his secretary/administrative assistant: “What do you think we should do about the ignorance and apathy around here?”
The secretary answered: “I don’t know, and I don’t care!”
(Thanks to Bob Martin of Rochester for the joke).
Sharing Appreciation is a wonderful thing: it makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.” – Voltaire
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
April 15th, 2008
4-15-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
So, today is April 15…
Me: “I hate paying my taxes.”
You: “You should pay them with a smile.”
Me: “I offered them a smile but they insisted on money.”
E-Z-2-Lose…
Ever wonder why it’s called the 1040 form?
It’s because for every $50 you earn, you keep $10 and the IRS gets $40.
The Perfect Pose…
occurred as the little two-year-old Nicole stood at the window and saw here first lightning. “Look, Mom! God just took my picture.”
What you don’t know won’t…
Boy: “Dad, what makes the thunder?”
Father: “I don’t know.”
Boy: “Dad, what makes the snow white?”
Father: “I don’t know.”
Boy: “Dad, you don’t mind that I bother you with all these questions?
Father: “Absolutely not, son. How are you ever going ot learn anything if you don’t ask.”
There’s this son… “How insensitive”
The golf course next to Highway 14 and these guys were walking to their next shot just as the funeral procession passed by. The one guy put his ball on the tee then took off his cap and, with his 3-iron in hand, paused. As he lined up his shot, the second guy said, “you’re really a sensitive person, noticing that funeral and everything.”
The first guy drives then says, “Yah, well… we would have been married 25 years tomorrow.”
It takes a lot of guts to play a string bass… but:
* What’s the difference between a banjo and a lawnmower? You can tune a lawnmower.
* Do you know the definition of perfect pitch? When you throw the banjo into the dumpster and it lands right on the accordion.
* Why do bagpipers always walk when they play? To get away from the noise.
* How do you make a bandstand? Take away their chairs.
The old doctor in a small town… needed a vacation. His son had graduated from med school and finished interning, so the father asked his son to take over the practice a few weeks. When the father returned he asked if anything unusual happened.
“Well, I guess,” he replied. You remember that wealthy, elderly Mrs. Jones who’s had that bad allergy for many years? I cured her.”
“Well, the timing’s perfect,” replied the father. “That allergy put you through college and med school.”
Help! Help! Please
April 23rd is secretarial/administrative assistant day. Needed: secretarial or administrative assistant joke by April 16th. I can’t find ONE in my extensive files.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
So, today is April 15…
Me: “I hate paying my taxes.”
You: “You should pay them with a smile.”
Me: “I offered them a smile but they insisted on money.”
E-Z-2-Lose…
Ever wonder why it’s called the 1040 form?
It’s because for every $50 you earn, you keep $10 and the IRS gets $40.
The Perfect Pose…
occurred as the little two-year-old Nicole stood at the window and saw here first lightning. “Look, Mom! God just took my picture.”
What you don’t know won’t…
Boy: “Dad, what makes the thunder?”
Father: “I don’t know.”
Boy: “Dad, what makes the snow white?”
Father: “I don’t know.”
Boy: “Dad, you don’t mind that I bother you with all these questions?
Father: “Absolutely not, son. How are you ever going ot learn anything if you don’t ask.”
There’s this son… “How insensitive”
The golf course next to Highway 14 and these guys were walking to their next shot just as the funeral procession passed by. The one guy put his ball on the tee then took off his cap and, with his 3-iron in hand, paused. As he lined up his shot, the second guy said, “you’re really a sensitive person, noticing that funeral and everything.”
The first guy drives then says, “Yah, well… we would have been married 25 years tomorrow.”
It takes a lot of guts to play a string bass… but:
* What’s the difference between a banjo and a lawnmower? You can tune a lawnmower.
* Do you know the definition of perfect pitch? When you throw the banjo into the dumpster and it lands right on the accordion.
* Why do bagpipers always walk when they play? To get away from the noise.
* How do you make a bandstand? Take away their chairs.
The old doctor in a small town… needed a vacation. His son had graduated from med school and finished interning, so the father asked his son to take over the practice a few weeks. When the father returned he asked if anything unusual happened.
“Well, I guess,” he replied. You remember that wealthy, elderly Mrs. Jones who’s had that bad allergy for many years? I cured her.”
“Well, the timing’s perfect,” replied the father. “That allergy put you through college and med school.”
Help! Help! Please
April 23rd is secretarial/administrative assistant day. Needed: secretarial or administrative assistant joke by April 16th. I can’t find ONE in my extensive files.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
April 8th, 2008
4-08-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
So This Laundry-challenged Husband…decided to wash his old college sweatshirt. Seconds after stepping into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” she yelled back. “What does it say on your shirt.”
“University of Minnesota.”
Te Controller Type Husband…complains, “What have you been doing with all the grocery money I give?”
Wife: “Turn sideways and look in the mirror.”
Part II…A Few Observations…
* You’re just jealous because the voice in my head only talk to me.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
* Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
* I’m not a COMPLETE idiot… some parts are missing.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
(Thanks to Julie A. Williams, “borrowed” from RV&MH Arizona Flyer)
Now for Golfer and other Assorted Sinners (confession time)…
I do one nine in forty-three,
the second nine in fifty-five;
If I am putting cleverly,
I find that I’m off my drive.
I wish some angel good would tell,
my troubled golfing spirit whether,
I’ll ever handle all clubs well
and get two decent nines together.
When’er I make a perfect drive
And get two hundred down the lot,
Why should I spoil a four or five
By messing up my second shot?
Though I may use the wooden clubs,
I’m doomed to linger with the mutts;
Fit company alone for duds,
My average is still three putts.
(guest ED., Edgar A. Guest)
April Flowers…Recycled
The daughter of the church flower chairperson was asked what her mother did with the flowers after worship service.
“Oh, Mommy takes them to people who are sick after the sermon.”
And to top it all off…
“The tragedy of life doesn’t lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in not having a decent goal to reach” – Ben Mays
Help! Help! Please
April 23rd is secretarial/administrative assistant day. Needed: secretarial or administrative assistant joke by April 16th. I can’t find ONE in my extensive files.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
So This Laundry-challenged Husband…decided to wash his old college sweatshirt. Seconds after stepping into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” she yelled back. “What does it say on your shirt.”
“University of Minnesota.”
Te Controller Type Husband…complains, “What have you been doing with all the grocery money I give?”
Wife: “Turn sideways and look in the mirror.”
Part II…A Few Observations…
* You’re just jealous because the voice in my head only talk to me.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
* Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
* I’m not a COMPLETE idiot… some parts are missing.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
(Thanks to Julie A. Williams, “borrowed” from RV&MH Arizona Flyer)
Now for Golfer and other Assorted Sinners (confession time)…
I do one nine in forty-three,
the second nine in fifty-five;
If I am putting cleverly,
I find that I’m off my drive.
I wish some angel good would tell,
my troubled golfing spirit whether,
I’ll ever handle all clubs well
and get two decent nines together.
When’er I make a perfect drive
And get two hundred down the lot,
Why should I spoil a four or five
By messing up my second shot?
Though I may use the wooden clubs,
I’m doomed to linger with the mutts;
Fit company alone for duds,
My average is still three putts.
(guest ED., Edgar A. Guest)
April Flowers…Recycled
The daughter of the church flower chairperson was asked what her mother did with the flowers after worship service.
“Oh, Mommy takes them to people who are sick after the sermon.”
And to top it all off…
“The tragedy of life doesn’t lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in not having a decent goal to reach” – Ben Mays
Help! Help! Please
April 23rd is secretarial/administrative assistant day. Needed: secretarial or administrative assistant joke by April 16th. I can’t find ONE in my extensive files.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
March 25th, 2008
3-25-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
One Last Ice Fishing “Line”
The boy had cut his ice fishing hole, had the jig-rod in and waited a long time… not a nibble. Some 10 feet away was a man hualing in one nice fish after another.
Finally the boys went over to the man in great confusion. “What are you doing to get all these fish. I’m just 10 feet away and I haven’t had ANY luck at al.”
The guy answered in a muffled voice, “Ee yer erms orm.”
The boy didn’t understand and again asked the question. Again, the man repeated the muffled response.
Finally, in confusion, the boy asked his question a third time. The man tried to speak out the instruction but the boy still didn’t understand. The man, spitting off to the side… “spfff… I said… keep your worms warm.”
More… Minnesota Guide to Computer Daffynitions
PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas duinr da sno storm.
ENTER: come on in.
WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets below zero.
SCREEN: vhat you gotta fix on da windows during black fly season.
CHIP: vhat ya munch during Vikings’ games.
MICROCHIP: vhat’s left in da bag when da chips are gone. (ed. yes, I am computer illiterate.)
Passover Was Last Week But Don’t You Wonder…
why it took Moses FORTY years to lead the Israelites through the desert. 1. Was it because God was testing the people? 2. Because God really wanted them to appreciate it in the Promised Land (remember, the original exiles all died) 3. Or, did it take so long because Moses refused to ask anybody for directions? Ahh, the male ego at work.
On Changing Lightbulbs...cont’d
* How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to change it and one not to change it.
* How many feminists does it take… One to change it and 15 to form a support group.
* How many real men does it take… None. Real men aren’t afraid of the dark.
Did you hear about…
the snail that got beat up by two turtles? he went to the police and they asked him, “did you get a good look at the turtles who did this?”
No, he said. “It all happened so fast.”
Too many questions – so little time
Why is “abbreviation” such a loooong word?
Why isn’t “phonetic” spelled the way it sounds?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
One Last Ice Fishing “Line”
The boy had cut his ice fishing hole, had the jig-rod in and waited a long time… not a nibble. Some 10 feet away was a man hualing in one nice fish after another.
Finally the boys went over to the man in great confusion. “What are you doing to get all these fish. I’m just 10 feet away and I haven’t had ANY luck at al.”
The guy answered in a muffled voice, “Ee yer erms orm.”
The boy didn’t understand and again asked the question. Again, the man repeated the muffled response.
Finally, in confusion, the boy asked his question a third time. The man tried to speak out the instruction but the boy still didn’t understand. The man, spitting off to the side… “spfff… I said… keep your worms warm.”
More… Minnesota Guide to Computer Daffynitions
PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas duinr da sno storm.
ENTER: come on in.
WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets below zero.
SCREEN: vhat you gotta fix on da windows during black fly season.
CHIP: vhat ya munch during Vikings’ games.
MICROCHIP: vhat’s left in da bag when da chips are gone. (ed. yes, I am computer illiterate.)
Passover Was Last Week But Don’t You Wonder…
why it took Moses FORTY years to lead the Israelites through the desert. 1. Was it because God was testing the people? 2. Because God really wanted them to appreciate it in the Promised Land (remember, the original exiles all died) 3. Or, did it take so long because Moses refused to ask anybody for directions? Ahh, the male ego at work.
On Changing Lightbulbs...cont’d
* How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to change it and one not to change it.
* How many feminists does it take… One to change it and 15 to form a support group.
* How many real men does it take… None. Real men aren’t afraid of the dark.
Did you hear about…
the snail that got beat up by two turtles? he went to the police and they asked him, “did you get a good look at the turtles who did this?”
No, he said. “It all happened so fast.”
Too many questions – so little time
Why is “abbreviation” such a loooong word?
Why isn’t “phonetic” spelled the way it sounds?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
March 18th, 2008
3-18-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Yes, spring is early this year
“So spring is here,
the grass is ‘ris,
I wonder where
my blanket is.”
And, we could STILL HAVE LATE SNOWFALL
You say your teenage driver doesn’t like to shovel the driveway when it’s over 5 inches?
Just tell them, “You’re welcome to borrow the car… after you shovel the drive.”
A Rochester visitor asks
“Is this a healthy place?”
Native: “I’ll say it is! Why when I cam here I couldn’t speak a word. I hardly had a hair on my head and I wasn’t strong enough to walk across a room. Why, I even had to be lifted out of bed.”
Visitor: “That’s fantastic. How long have you lived here?”
Native: “I was born here.”
If all the cars in the world
were placed end to end, 90% of the drivers will eventually pull out to pass the car ahead. Oh, yes, they’ll make a RIGHT at the next corner (sure happens to me!!).
Did Spring… Spring the Chicks?
Looking for signs of spring the second-grade class was studying pictures fo bird’s nests and baby chicks. A little boy asked, “Teacher, how do the chicks get out of the shell?”
Before the teacher could answer, another boy spoke up, “No sweat! I’ve seen them get out of the shell. What I want to know is, how did they ever get in there.”
Been listening to political ‘sound bites’?
Have you noticed the speeches are a lot like buying a big appliance? There are infinite promises with limited warranties.
And when you put…
the words, “the” and “IRS” together… it spells “Theirs.”
Spring is when a young man’s fancy turns to…
thinking about their beautiful relationship. He decided to pop the question and began thoughtfully, “There comes a time in every man’s life when he requires a companion, one who will look up to him, follow him with devotion and will be at his side when in need. Susan, I need that companion now.”
A smile of understanding lit up her face. “Wonderful,” she exclaimed, “what kind of dog are you going to get?”
Thought for the day
“The tragedy of life doesn’t lie in not reaching your goals. The tragedy lies in not setting a goal to reach.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Yes, spring is early this year
“So spring is here,
the grass is ‘ris,
I wonder where
my blanket is.”
And, we could STILL HAVE LATE SNOWFALL
You say your teenage driver doesn’t like to shovel the driveway when it’s over 5 inches?
Just tell them, “You’re welcome to borrow the car… after you shovel the drive.”
A Rochester visitor asks
“Is this a healthy place?”
Native: “I’ll say it is! Why when I cam here I couldn’t speak a word. I hardly had a hair on my head and I wasn’t strong enough to walk across a room. Why, I even had to be lifted out of bed.”
Visitor: “That’s fantastic. How long have you lived here?”
Native: “I was born here.”
If all the cars in the world
were placed end to end, 90% of the drivers will eventually pull out to pass the car ahead. Oh, yes, they’ll make a RIGHT at the next corner (sure happens to me!!).
Did Spring… Spring the Chicks?
Looking for signs of spring the second-grade class was studying pictures fo bird’s nests and baby chicks. A little boy asked, “Teacher, how do the chicks get out of the shell?”
Before the teacher could answer, another boy spoke up, “No sweat! I’ve seen them get out of the shell. What I want to know is, how did they ever get in there.”
Been listening to political ‘sound bites’?
Have you noticed the speeches are a lot like buying a big appliance? There are infinite promises with limited warranties.
And when you put…
the words, “the” and “IRS” together… it spells “Theirs.”
Spring is when a young man’s fancy turns to…
thinking about their beautiful relationship. He decided to pop the question and began thoughtfully, “There comes a time in every man’s life when he requires a companion, one who will look up to him, follow him with devotion and will be at his side when in need. Susan, I need that companion now.”
A smile of understanding lit up her face. “Wonderful,” she exclaimed, “what kind of dog are you going to get?”
Thought for the day
“The tragedy of life doesn’t lie in not reaching your goals. The tragedy lies in not setting a goal to reach.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
March 11th, 2008
3-11-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
It’s time for both…
Golf is like taxes: You drive hard to get to the green… and you end up in the hole.
Golfer: “How would you have played that shot?”
Caddy: “Under an assumed name.”
Figuring out your income tax is a lesson in addition, subtraction and extraction.
St. Paddy’s Day is the 17th so… Murphy’s Law
- In order to get a loan… you must first prove you don’t need it.
- When a broken appliance is demonstrated for a repairman… it WILL work fine.
- Everyone has a scheme for getting rich… that will ONLY work for them.
- All warranties expire… on the day of the last payment.
And it’s basketball season
The reporter was interviewing the coach.
“Do you like ALL you players to be tall?”
“Well, a player’s height isn’t important to me as long as his ears pop when he sits down.”
You know you’re getting older when…
- You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
- You wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
- You sit down to eat breakfast and hear a snap, crackle, pop… and you’re not eating ceareal.
- You wonder how you could be over the hill. When were you even on top of it?
A clown’s prayer…
As I stumble through this life, help me to create more laughter than tears, dispense more cheer than gloom and spread more cheer than despair.
Never let me become so indifferent that I fail to see the wonder in the eyes of a child or the twinkle in the eyes of the aged.
Never let me forget that my total effort is to cheer people, make them happy and forget momentarily the unpleasantness in their lives.
And, in my final moment, may I hear You whisper, “When you made My creation smile, you make Me smile.” (Smiles Unlimited Clown Ministry) The Editor of this column’s oldest son is National Chaplain.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
It’s time for both…
Golf is like taxes: You drive hard to get to the green… and you end up in the hole.
Golfer: “How would you have played that shot?”
Caddy: “Under an assumed name.”
Figuring out your income tax is a lesson in addition, subtraction and extraction.
St. Paddy’s Day is the 17th so… Murphy’s Law
- In order to get a loan… you must first prove you don’t need it.
- When a broken appliance is demonstrated for a repairman… it WILL work fine.
- Everyone has a scheme for getting rich… that will ONLY work for them.
- All warranties expire… on the day of the last payment.
And it’s basketball season
The reporter was interviewing the coach.
“Do you like ALL you players to be tall?”
“Well, a player’s height isn’t important to me as long as his ears pop when he sits down.”
You know you’re getting older when…
- You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
- You wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
- You sit down to eat breakfast and hear a snap, crackle, pop… and you’re not eating ceareal.
- You wonder how you could be over the hill. When were you even on top of it?
A clown’s prayer…
As I stumble through this life, help me to create more laughter than tears, dispense more cheer than gloom and spread more cheer than despair.
Never let me become so indifferent that I fail to see the wonder in the eyes of a child or the twinkle in the eyes of the aged.
Never let me forget that my total effort is to cheer people, make them happy and forget momentarily the unpleasantness in their lives.
And, in my final moment, may I hear You whisper, “When you made My creation smile, you make Me smile.” (Smiles Unlimited Clown Ministry) The Editor of this column’s oldest son is National Chaplain.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
March 4th, 2008
3-04-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
WHILE TAKING HER FIRST DRIVING LESSON…
the older lady complained to the instructor “This little mirror up here just isn’t right.”
“What’s wrong with it, Mrs. Jones?”
“Well, I just can’t see a think in it… except that car following me.”
---
NOW, THE TEEN-AGED DRIVER…
was always asking his parents if he could borrow the family car.
Pushed to the limit, his Dad shot back, “why do you think the Almighty gave you two feet?”
Without hesitation the son replied, “How about breaks and acceleration?”
---
SO, THE MALE MOTORIST SUDDENLY STOPPED…
as the light changed to yellow. His rear bumper got bumped by the close following car. He got out and, seeing there wasn’t too much damage, glared at the man driving the other car, climbed back in and drove off.
At the next light, the same thing happened caused by the same driver. This time he apologized and held out his driver’s license.
“Look,” the victim said. “All I want from you is to give me a five minute head start.”
---
FOR THE “SIZE CHALLENGED”…
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are “XL”? Doesn’t stand for “Energy Center” either.
---
AND BACK TO DRIVING…
A person is trying to find a place to park, and, after 20 minutes circling the black, parks illegally leaving a note under his car windshield wiper reading: “I have circled this block for 20 minutes. I am late for a meeting and if I don’t park here… now, I will lose my job. ‘Forgive us our trespasses!”
When the person returned he found a ticket accompanied by a return note: “I have circled this block for 20 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I will lose my job. ‘Lead us not into temptation.’”
---
AN ‘INTERNATIONAL’ FUNNY PUNNY…
Have you heard about the latest trouble near Turkey? Well, a group of people, the Kurds, want to have their own country, Kurdistan.
Unfortunately, Turkey isn’t willing to give them the land. Result? The ‘Curds’ won’t get their ‘whey.’ (Apology to Little Miss Muffet.)
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
WHILE TAKING HER FIRST DRIVING LESSON…
the older lady complained to the instructor “This little mirror up here just isn’t right.”
“What’s wrong with it, Mrs. Jones?”
“Well, I just can’t see a think in it… except that car following me.”
---
NOW, THE TEEN-AGED DRIVER…
was always asking his parents if he could borrow the family car.
Pushed to the limit, his Dad shot back, “why do you think the Almighty gave you two feet?”
Without hesitation the son replied, “How about breaks and acceleration?”
---
SO, THE MALE MOTORIST SUDDENLY STOPPED…
as the light changed to yellow. His rear bumper got bumped by the close following car. He got out and, seeing there wasn’t too much damage, glared at the man driving the other car, climbed back in and drove off.
At the next light, the same thing happened caused by the same driver. This time he apologized and held out his driver’s license.
“Look,” the victim said. “All I want from you is to give me a five minute head start.”
---
FOR THE “SIZE CHALLENGED”…
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are “XL”? Doesn’t stand for “Energy Center” either.
---
AND BACK TO DRIVING…
A person is trying to find a place to park, and, after 20 minutes circling the black, parks illegally leaving a note under his car windshield wiper reading: “I have circled this block for 20 minutes. I am late for a meeting and if I don’t park here… now, I will lose my job. ‘Forgive us our trespasses!”
When the person returned he found a ticket accompanied by a return note: “I have circled this block for 20 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I will lose my job. ‘Lead us not into temptation.’”
---
AN ‘INTERNATIONAL’ FUNNY PUNNY…
Have you heard about the latest trouble near Turkey? Well, a group of people, the Kurds, want to have their own country, Kurdistan.
Unfortunately, Turkey isn’t willing to give them the land. Result? The ‘Curds’ won’t get their ‘whey.’ (Apology to Little Miss Muffet.)
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Friday, February 29, 2008
February 29th, 2008
2-29-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Did you hear about the teacher who…
was arrested while trying to board an airplane with a compass, a protractor and a calculator? he was charged with carrying weapons of mass instruction.
---
A Lenten self-exam
To understand yourself…use your head.
To understand others… use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
Beautiful young people are an act of nature, but beautiful old people are a work of art.
---
You know you’re getting old when…
* you tell people on your birthday that, like Jack Benny, you’re always 39… and nobody knows who Benny was.
* you wake up at 3 a.m. to use the bathroom and check your emails on the way back to bed.
* you’ve learned that being kind is more important than being right.
---
Any ol Leonardo will do…
A third grader excitedly walked up to the media center advisor,
“Do you have any books about Leonardo DiCaprio?”
Mrs. Hall replied, “Oh, that heartthrob from Titanic? No, I’m sorry.”
“Well, where are the biographies please. Maybe I can find something.”
After searching the shelves, the third grader returned to report.
“Guess this will have to do,” as she sadly showed the book cover of her second choice: Leonardo Da Vinci.
---
Insight… if needed
* Depression is merely anger… without enthusiasm.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left before we met.
* When everything’s coming your way… you’re in the wrong lane.
---
Practice makes purrrfect
A young salesman was looking very depressed the second day on the job.
“Come on, don’t be so glum his manager said. “Don’t worry, with experience you’ll gt the hang of it. Did you practice that fantastic sales pitch I gave you yesterday?”
“That’s the problem,” said the young salesman, “I practiced on my drive home, then gave the pitch to my wife.”
“So what did you think of your presentation,” asked the manager.
“Well… after practicing my sales pitch on her, I’ve got to buy HER a $500 vacuum cleaner.
---
Abraham Lincoln
“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Did you hear about the teacher who…
was arrested while trying to board an airplane with a compass, a protractor and a calculator? he was charged with carrying weapons of mass instruction.
---
A Lenten self-exam
To understand yourself…use your head.
To understand others… use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
Beautiful young people are an act of nature, but beautiful old people are a work of art.
---
You know you’re getting old when…
* you tell people on your birthday that, like Jack Benny, you’re always 39… and nobody knows who Benny was.
* you wake up at 3 a.m. to use the bathroom and check your emails on the way back to bed.
* you’ve learned that being kind is more important than being right.
---
Any ol Leonardo will do…
A third grader excitedly walked up to the media center advisor,
“Do you have any books about Leonardo DiCaprio?”
Mrs. Hall replied, “Oh, that heartthrob from Titanic? No, I’m sorry.”
“Well, where are the biographies please. Maybe I can find something.”
After searching the shelves, the third grader returned to report.
“Guess this will have to do,” as she sadly showed the book cover of her second choice: Leonardo Da Vinci.
---
Insight… if needed
* Depression is merely anger… without enthusiasm.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left before we met.
* When everything’s coming your way… you’re in the wrong lane.
---
Practice makes purrrfect
A young salesman was looking very depressed the second day on the job.
“Come on, don’t be so glum his manager said. “Don’t worry, with experience you’ll gt the hang of it. Did you practice that fantastic sales pitch I gave you yesterday?”
“That’s the problem,” said the young salesman, “I practiced on my drive home, then gave the pitch to my wife.”
“So what did you think of your presentation,” asked the manager.
“Well… after practicing my sales pitch on her, I’ve got to buy HER a $500 vacuum cleaner.
---
Abraham Lincoln
“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Friday, February 22, 2008
February 22nd, 2008
2-22-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Little George Washington said to his Father, “If I never tell a lie, how can I grow up to be president?”
---
How Strange…
Abraham Lincoln walked 8 miles to borrow a book. Now, they close the library on Presidents Day.
---
And for Valentine’s Day…
To her date: “Isn’t this romantic? This is just like Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. My Dad hates you.”
---
Cupid’s arrow hit twice…
As the little boy came home from school and asked his mother, “I got Valentine’s cards from TWO girls. Is that against the law?”
---
What’s a minute worth???
A constituent called his congressman and asked, “How long does it take the government to spend 10 billion dollars?”
The congressman, who was busy on another line, said, “Just a minute.”
The constituent replied, “That’s what I thought,” and hung up.
---
What a shocking development!!!
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe and one to put the alarm clock in the bathtub.
How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but they have to do it while you eat dinner.
---
And a flush beats a dog’s full house?
A tourist goes into a café and there’s a dog sitting in a chair playing poker. He says to the waitress, “Is that dog really playing poker?”
She replied, “Yes, but he’s not too good. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts to wag his tail.”
---
Part one: A Minnesotan guide to computer lingo
Log on: makin da vood stove hotter
Log off: don’t add no more vood.
Monitor: keep an eye on da vood stove.
Megahertz: vend a big log drops on your bare voot in da morning.
Ram: da hydraulic thing dat makes da voodsplitter work.
Hard Drive: getting home during most of the winter.
(computer geeks are welcome to add daffynitions) Note: your editor is illiterate in THIS language.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Little George Washington said to his Father, “If I never tell a lie, how can I grow up to be president?”
---
How Strange…
Abraham Lincoln walked 8 miles to borrow a book. Now, they close the library on Presidents Day.
---
And for Valentine’s Day…
To her date: “Isn’t this romantic? This is just like Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. My Dad hates you.”
---
Cupid’s arrow hit twice…
As the little boy came home from school and asked his mother, “I got Valentine’s cards from TWO girls. Is that against the law?”
---
What’s a minute worth???
A constituent called his congressman and asked, “How long does it take the government to spend 10 billion dollars?”
The congressman, who was busy on another line, said, “Just a minute.”
The constituent replied, “That’s what I thought,” and hung up.
---
What a shocking development!!!
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe and one to put the alarm clock in the bathtub.
How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but they have to do it while you eat dinner.
---
And a flush beats a dog’s full house?
A tourist goes into a café and there’s a dog sitting in a chair playing poker. He says to the waitress, “Is that dog really playing poker?”
She replied, “Yes, but he’s not too good. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts to wag his tail.”
---
Part one: A Minnesotan guide to computer lingo
Log on: makin da vood stove hotter
Log off: don’t add no more vood.
Monitor: keep an eye on da vood stove.
Megahertz: vend a big log drops on your bare voot in da morning.
Ram: da hydraulic thing dat makes da voodsplitter work.
Hard Drive: getting home during most of the winter.
(computer geeks are welcome to add daffynitions) Note: your editor is illiterate in THIS language.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
February 12th, 2008
2-12-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
‘Can Hardly Wait…
“Madame fortune teller, tell me, are there golf courses in heaven?”
“I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”
“What’s the good news?
“The good news is that the golf courses in heaven are beautiful beyond anything you could imagine!”
“That’s wonderful.”
“…And you’ll be teeing off at 8:30 tomorrow morning.”
---
How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
Two – one to change it and one not to change it.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A light bulb? None – that’s a software problem.
How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes 10 years.
---
The Big Heart-Shaped Valentine Box…
A box of candy was left at the door of the 7-year old girl by her admirer. The note attached said, “To Susan, with all my allowance…”
---
‘Much Snow in the Driveway?
The best device for clearing it is a 17-year-old who needs the car for a date.
---
Classified Classics
Help wanted: “We don’t want the people who swim with sharks. We want the sharks.
For sale: “Stair-stepper with exercise video. Equiptment new, owner old.”
Notice: “Heaven-sent Nursing Service is now under new management.”
---
The Rest of the Story…
The Sunday School teacher had on a pretty new dress and ALL the 5-year-olds gave their approval… except for Mary. Finally, she remarked thoughtfully: “We had to bring pennies lots of Sundays before you could buy it, right, Mrs. Smith?”
---
What they didn’t know but…
The elderly (and wealthy) man had a hearing problem known to all. So he went to a specialist and purchased a hearing aid. In a few weeks, he went back to have an adjustment made and was asked how his family felt about it.
“Well I never told them I got a hearing aid. I just sat and listened. So far I’ve changed my will three times.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
‘Can Hardly Wait…
“Madame fortune teller, tell me, are there golf courses in heaven?”
“I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”
“What’s the good news?
“The good news is that the golf courses in heaven are beautiful beyond anything you could imagine!”
“That’s wonderful.”
“…And you’ll be teeing off at 8:30 tomorrow morning.”
---
How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
Two – one to change it and one not to change it.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A light bulb? None – that’s a software problem.
How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes 10 years.
---
The Big Heart-Shaped Valentine Box…
A box of candy was left at the door of the 7-year old girl by her admirer. The note attached said, “To Susan, with all my allowance…”
---
‘Much Snow in the Driveway?
The best device for clearing it is a 17-year-old who needs the car for a date.
---
Classified Classics
Help wanted: “We don’t want the people who swim with sharks. We want the sharks.
For sale: “Stair-stepper with exercise video. Equiptment new, owner old.”
Notice: “Heaven-sent Nursing Service is now under new management.”
---
The Rest of the Story…
The Sunday School teacher had on a pretty new dress and ALL the 5-year-olds gave their approval… except for Mary. Finally, she remarked thoughtfully: “We had to bring pennies lots of Sundays before you could buy it, right, Mrs. Smith?”
---
What they didn’t know but…
The elderly (and wealthy) man had a hearing problem known to all. So he went to a specialist and purchased a hearing aid. In a few weeks, he went back to have an adjustment made and was asked how his family felt about it.
“Well I never told them I got a hearing aid. I just sat and listened. So far I’ve changed my will three times.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
February 5th, 2008
2-05-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
The sky’s the limit…
An ardent young man sent an email to his sweatheart in the next town. It said in part: “My love for you is so great! For you, I would swim the deepest river; for you, I would climb the highest mountain, dash through fire, or fight wild beasts. I would do all of this, for you.”
P.S. “If it doesn’t snow, I’ll be over about 7:00 Saturday night.”
---
Real Kid Talk…
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“One brother.”
“How many would you like to have?”
“Three sisters and three brothers.”
What do your mother and dad say when you tell them that?”
“Nothing. They just sit and laugh.”
And…
“Any brothers or sisters?”
“No.”
“Which would you like to have?”
“A sister.”
“Why?”
“Because she could make the beds, do the dishes and run errands for me.”
“You don’t want a sister… you want a slave.”
“Yes, that’s right.”
---
National Beauty Salon Week (Feb. 9th)
Woman one: “She’s a decided blonde, isn’t she?”
Woman two: “Yes, but she only decided recently.”
---
When the guest speaker asked the MC how long to speak, he was told to watch for audience response. “If you haven’t struck oil in five minutes,” said the MC “quit boring.”
---
A Valentine Mood…
Do you carrot all for me? My heart beets for you.
With your turnip hair and your radish hair, you’re a peach.
If we cantaloupe, lettuce marry.
We’ll make a great pear.
---
Style or substance?...
Policeman: “Did you get the license number of the car that hit your car, madam?
Woman: “No, but the driver was wearing a three-piece tweed suit lined with pink crepe.
Oh, and she hadon a periwinkle hat trimmed with red roses.”
---
Getting your money’s worth…
The repairman came in to fix a very complex computer. He made some tests, checked it over, pulled out a screwdriver, found a certain small crew and turned it an eighth of an inch.
The unit started to hum.
The repairman made out a bill for $300 and handed it to the accountant.
He huffed and said, “$300 is sure a lot for a simple repair.”
In response, the repairman drew up a new bill: Turning a screw 1/8 inch to the right - $.50.
Knowing which screw to turn which way - $299.50.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
The sky’s the limit…
An ardent young man sent an email to his sweatheart in the next town. It said in part: “My love for you is so great! For you, I would swim the deepest river; for you, I would climb the highest mountain, dash through fire, or fight wild beasts. I would do all of this, for you.”
P.S. “If it doesn’t snow, I’ll be over about 7:00 Saturday night.”
---
Real Kid Talk…
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“One brother.”
“How many would you like to have?”
“Three sisters and three brothers.”
What do your mother and dad say when you tell them that?”
“Nothing. They just sit and laugh.”
And…
“Any brothers or sisters?”
“No.”
“Which would you like to have?”
“A sister.”
“Why?”
“Because she could make the beds, do the dishes and run errands for me.”
“You don’t want a sister… you want a slave.”
“Yes, that’s right.”
---
National Beauty Salon Week (Feb. 9th)
Woman one: “She’s a decided blonde, isn’t she?”
Woman two: “Yes, but she only decided recently.”
---
When the guest speaker asked the MC how long to speak, he was told to watch for audience response. “If you haven’t struck oil in five minutes,” said the MC “quit boring.”
---
A Valentine Mood…
Do you carrot all for me? My heart beets for you.
With your turnip hair and your radish hair, you’re a peach.
If we cantaloupe, lettuce marry.
We’ll make a great pear.
---
Style or substance?...
Policeman: “Did you get the license number of the car that hit your car, madam?
Woman: “No, but the driver was wearing a three-piece tweed suit lined with pink crepe.
Oh, and she hadon a periwinkle hat trimmed with red roses.”
---
Getting your money’s worth…
The repairman came in to fix a very complex computer. He made some tests, checked it over, pulled out a screwdriver, found a certain small crew and turned it an eighth of an inch.
The unit started to hum.
The repairman made out a bill for $300 and handed it to the accountant.
He huffed and said, “$300 is sure a lot for a simple repair.”
In response, the repairman drew up a new bill: Turning a screw 1/8 inch to the right - $.50.
Knowing which screw to turn which way - $299.50.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
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