September 22nd, 2008

9-22-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart

ACTUAL CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENT
- Now is your chance to get your ears pierced and get an extra pair… to take home.
- DINNER specials: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25, Children $2.
- USED CARS: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
- TIRED of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!
- FOR RENT: 6-room hated apartment.
- WE DO NOT tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully… by hand.
- WE WILL OIL your sewing machine and adjust the tension in your home.

SOME FOOTBALL DAFFYNITIONS (worship time out)
- “Quarterback Sneak” – An attender quietly leaves before the offering plate arrives.
- “Halftime” – The interlude between Sunday School and Worship when others leave.
- “Benchwarmer” – Those who attend sit (No other action).
- “Stay in the pocket” – An offering was brought… but also leaves with the person.
- “End Run” – Leaves quickly on the last hymn without speaking to others.
- “Blitz” – The rush for the restaurants.
(Chisago City United Presbyterian’s “UP-BEAT.”

THIS HAS BEEN AROUND FOR CENTURIES (so here goes)
CONFESSIONS… of an “OLDER” Lady
“Frankly, I’ve become a frivolous old gal and I’m still seeing FIVE gentlemen every day.
“As soon as I wake up, ‘Will Power’ helps me get out of bed. Then I go see ‘John.’ Shortly thereafter, ‘Charlie Horse’ usually comes along and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. Once he leaves, ‘Arthur Ritus’ always shows up and usually stays the rest of the day. He doesn’t like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I’m glad to go to bed with ‘Ben Gay,’ who goes straight to work on my need. What a life! And yes, I’m also flirting with ‘Al Zymer,’ who is slowly catching up with me.
“Yes, Pastor, I know I should be thinking of the hereafter. And I do it all the time. No matter where I am… in the parlor, upstairs, the kitchen or down in the basement. I say to to myself, “Now what am I here after??”

SOME CARTOON CAPTIONS (using YOUR imagination)
- (Little old lady sitting at her computer) - “I’m too old to date. Now I have e-lationships.”
- (She pulls open the drapes with a smile) There’s a beautiful scene of cracking dawn and a bird chirping… on a 60-inch flat screen.
- (Man sitting on the doctor’s exam table tells him) – “My lawyer says my arm is still bothering me.”
- (New father answering his cell phone on the golf course… with buddies waiting) - “Is is a boy or a girl?”

Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:

Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906

‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.