11-16-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
FINALLY BASEBALL IS OVER... FOOTBALL BEGINS
and the visiting team had a 14-13 lead. The coach of the visitors sent in a sub quarterback with orders to run out the clock by use of simple running plays.
The sub, however, had glory dreams and when he spotted one of his backs in the clear he uncorked a forward pass in that general direction.
Out of nowhere came the home team's speediest back, who flashed in to intercept the pass and was off for paydirt. To everyone's amazement, the sub quarterback who had made the pass overtook him and brought him down on the five-yard line. Seconds later the final whistle blew.
The losing coach grumbled to the coach of the winners, "I'll never understand how that sub quarterback of yours ever overtook the fastest boy on our squad."
"It's simple," was the reply. "Your boy was running for the touchdown. Mine was running for his life."
ON TO ANOTHER CURRENT EVENT
The man had barely paid off his mortgage on the house when he mortgaged it again to buy a car and, not long after, he borrowed to build a garage. His banker hesitated and said, "If I do make this loan, how will you buy gas for the car?"
"Well, it seems to me," replied the borrower curtly, "that a fellow who owns a big house, a new car and new garage should be able to get credit for gasoline." (ONE way to "earn" bankruptcy).
THE TWO CONFIRMED BACHELORS...
were chatting and the conversation switched from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking stuff in it, eh?"
"Boy, you said it. Everyone of the recipes began the same way. 'Take a clean dish and....'"
TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT
"What are you so happy about?" the woman asked the 97-year-old man.
"I just broke a mirror," he replied.
"But that means seven years of bad luck!"
"I know. Isn't that wonderful."
(I heard he plans to break another mirror in 6 years).
AND SPEAKING OF MIRRORS (just be patient)
The first pair of roller skates were "built" in Belgium in 1759 by Joseph Merlin.
A master violinist, Merlin made a spectacular entrance into a costume party on his roller skates while playing the violin. (show-off)
However, he hadn't mastered the fine art of stopping (rubber toe stops hadn't been invented yet), so he crashed into a full-length mirror breaking it and his violin. (bad luck... no waiting).
THE OUTLOOK FOR TURKEYS LOOKS BAD
The world's largest turkey farm is owned by Bernard Matthews in Norfolk, Great Britain. He has 2,600 employees and averages 9 million turkeys annually.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Sunday, November 9, 2008
November 9th, 2008
11-9-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
VETERAN'S DAY IS TUE. 11TH, so we salute:
THE ARMY: The lieutenant at the training camp had a recruit assigned to keep his quarters bright and clean. He was quiet, competent and always called the lieutenant "Major."
A sergeant drew the recruit aside one morning and said, "Soldier, haven't you been in this man's Army long enough to know that one gold bar denotes a looie, not a major?"
"If it's all the same to you, sergeant," implored the recruit, "you won those stripes your way; let me earn mine my way."
THE NAVY: (how to get a "head")
The Secretary of the Navy was inspecting a recently launched carrier. The entire crew stood on deck at attention.
"I suppose," said the Secretary jokingly to the carrier's captain, "you know the name of every man on the ship."
"I think I do," was the captain's unexpected reply.
"Aha," smiled the Secretary. "What's the name of the third man from the left there in the rear rank?"
"William Jones," replied the captain.
The Secretary walked over to the seaman himself. "What's your name, lad?" he asked.
"William Jones, sir," replied Seaman Jonathan Abernathy.
THE MARINE CORP:
A career Marine, his discharge in sight, signed up for a correspondence course in electrical engineering. The application blank had a question that at first stumped him. "How long has your present employer been in business?"
The Marine finally wrote down, "Since 1776."
The newly arrived Marine enlistee from classy Long Island, NY received this letter from his "mater."
"Dear Sebastian: Now that you are on your way to being a hero in the Marine Corps, I trust you will set a good example and will arise on time every morning. The other young gentlemen in your set should not have to sit at the table and wait for you to come downstairs before they can begin eating their breakfast."
THE AIR (CORP) FORCE:
Shortly after D-Day in World War II, a pilot was chosen and dispatched from England to drop propaganda leaflets over a city in Germany. He didn't check back in at his headquarters for three weeks.
"Where have you been?" demanded his squadron leader crossly. "How could you take three weeks just to dump a load of leaflets over enemy territory?"
"Dump them?" repeated the pilot in a surprised voice, "I thought you wanted me to slip one under every door!"
THE COAST GUARD:
The U.S. Coast Guard Cutter supply ship put in at a Pacific island famed for its voluptuous and scantily clad maidens. One young non-com spent a memorable day on the beach with several of the young ladies posing them and photographing them with his camera.
An ensign watched him silently for some time. Then he inquired, "Where do you think you're going to get all that film developed?"
The reply, "Film? Who's got film?"
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
VETERAN'S DAY IS TUE. 11TH, so we salute:
THE ARMY: The lieutenant at the training camp had a recruit assigned to keep his quarters bright and clean. He was quiet, competent and always called the lieutenant "Major."
A sergeant drew the recruit aside one morning and said, "Soldier, haven't you been in this man's Army long enough to know that one gold bar denotes a looie, not a major?"
"If it's all the same to you, sergeant," implored the recruit, "you won those stripes your way; let me earn mine my way."
THE NAVY: (how to get a "head")
The Secretary of the Navy was inspecting a recently launched carrier. The entire crew stood on deck at attention.
"I suppose," said the Secretary jokingly to the carrier's captain, "you know the name of every man on the ship."
"I think I do," was the captain's unexpected reply.
"Aha," smiled the Secretary. "What's the name of the third man from the left there in the rear rank?"
"William Jones," replied the captain.
The Secretary walked over to the seaman himself. "What's your name, lad?" he asked.
"William Jones, sir," replied Seaman Jonathan Abernathy.
THE MARINE CORP:
A career Marine, his discharge in sight, signed up for a correspondence course in electrical engineering. The application blank had a question that at first stumped him. "How long has your present employer been in business?"
The Marine finally wrote down, "Since 1776."
The newly arrived Marine enlistee from classy Long Island, NY received this letter from his "mater."
"Dear Sebastian: Now that you are on your way to being a hero in the Marine Corps, I trust you will set a good example and will arise on time every morning. The other young gentlemen in your set should not have to sit at the table and wait for you to come downstairs before they can begin eating their breakfast."
THE AIR (CORP) FORCE:
Shortly after D-Day in World War II, a pilot was chosen and dispatched from England to drop propaganda leaflets over a city in Germany. He didn't check back in at his headquarters for three weeks.
"Where have you been?" demanded his squadron leader crossly. "How could you take three weeks just to dump a load of leaflets over enemy territory?"
"Dump them?" repeated the pilot in a surprised voice, "I thought you wanted me to slip one under every door!"
THE COAST GUARD:
The U.S. Coast Guard Cutter supply ship put in at a Pacific island famed for its voluptuous and scantily clad maidens. One young non-com spent a memorable day on the beach with several of the young ladies posing them and photographing them with his camera.
An ensign watched him silently for some time. Then he inquired, "Where do you think you're going to get all that film developed?"
The reply, "Film? Who's got film?"
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Monday, November 3, 2008
November 3rd, 2008
11-3-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
IT'S ELECTION TIME AND THE LADY TOLD HER FRIEND,
"What I'm looking for is a man who will treat me as if I was a voter and HE is THE candidate."
TRY TO BE OPTIMISTIC
POLITICIANS... straddle the fence, keep their fingers crossed, keep their fingers on the pulse of their constituents, point with pride, look to the future, keep both ears to the ground, will CHANGE things and think twice... before saying nothing.
No wonder we're in such trouble... too many verbs!
AND YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE...
A political candidate said that he would rather be right than be elected.
Wouldn't you hope he could be both??
AND WHO DOES THE PRESIDENT WORK FOR?
"A taxpayer is someone who words for the federal government but who doesn't have to take a civil service examination." - Ronald Reagan
SERIOUSLY... I DO HOPE YOU'VE VOTED...
AND WEAR THAT LITTLE RED STICKER.
NOW, STUFF YOU DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW
In France, the Big Dipper is known as "the casserole." In Minnesota, it's known as "the hotdish."
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours.
When in trouble... mumble. When in trouble... delegate.
Where you stand on an issue... depends on where you sit.
THE SALESMAN WALKED INTO THE LARGE OFFICE and approached the front desk.
"I'd like to speak to someone with a little authority."
The receptionist replied: "Well, then I'm the one you need to speak to 'cause I have as little authority as anybody here."
TALK ABOUT DISCOVERY... WHEN IT CAME TO:
Automobiles: Henry could afford one.
Airplanes: Wilber and Orville were on the Wright track.
Ocean sailing: Columbus sure knew his way around.
Landing on the Moon: Neil finally had to put his foot down.
(In Oct., I was up at Camp Riley taping a D.A.V. deer hunt for "VET'S VISITS on TV." THIS did NOT happen)
Two hunters were dragging a deer through the woods by the tail when they met another hunter.
"It would be easier if you would drag it by the antlers instead of the tail," he suggested. "It won't get caught in the bushes."
They took his suggestion and switched ends. After an hour pulling the antlers one hunter said, "This is sure a lot easier."
"The other replied, "Sure is, but I think we're going in the wrong direction."
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
IT'S ELECTION TIME AND THE LADY TOLD HER FRIEND,
"What I'm looking for is a man who will treat me as if I was a voter and HE is THE candidate."
TRY TO BE OPTIMISTIC
POLITICIANS... straddle the fence, keep their fingers crossed, keep their fingers on the pulse of their constituents, point with pride, look to the future, keep both ears to the ground, will CHANGE things and think twice... before saying nothing.
No wonder we're in such trouble... too many verbs!
AND YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE...
A political candidate said that he would rather be right than be elected.
Wouldn't you hope he could be both??
AND WHO DOES THE PRESIDENT WORK FOR?
"A taxpayer is someone who words for the federal government but who doesn't have to take a civil service examination." - Ronald Reagan
SERIOUSLY... I DO HOPE YOU'VE VOTED...
AND WEAR THAT LITTLE RED STICKER.
NOW, STUFF YOU DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW
In France, the Big Dipper is known as "the casserole." In Minnesota, it's known as "the hotdish."
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours.
When in trouble... mumble. When in trouble... delegate.
Where you stand on an issue... depends on where you sit.
THE SALESMAN WALKED INTO THE LARGE OFFICE and approached the front desk.
"I'd like to speak to someone with a little authority."
The receptionist replied: "Well, then I'm the one you need to speak to 'cause I have as little authority as anybody here."
TALK ABOUT DISCOVERY... WHEN IT CAME TO:
Automobiles: Henry could afford one.
Airplanes: Wilber and Orville were on the Wright track.
Ocean sailing: Columbus sure knew his way around.
Landing on the Moon: Neil finally had to put his foot down.
(In Oct., I was up at Camp Riley taping a D.A.V. deer hunt for "VET'S VISITS on TV." THIS did NOT happen)
Two hunters were dragging a deer through the woods by the tail when they met another hunter.
"It would be easier if you would drag it by the antlers instead of the tail," he suggested. "It won't get caught in the bushes."
They took his suggestion and switched ends. After an hour pulling the antlers one hunter said, "This is sure a lot easier."
"The other replied, "Sure is, but I think we're going in the wrong direction."
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
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