3-25-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
One Last Ice Fishing “Line”
The boy had cut his ice fishing hole, had the jig-rod in and waited a long time… not a nibble. Some 10 feet away was a man hualing in one nice fish after another.
Finally the boys went over to the man in great confusion. “What are you doing to get all these fish. I’m just 10 feet away and I haven’t had ANY luck at al.”
The guy answered in a muffled voice, “Ee yer erms orm.”
The boy didn’t understand and again asked the question. Again, the man repeated the muffled response.
Finally, in confusion, the boy asked his question a third time. The man tried to speak out the instruction but the boy still didn’t understand. The man, spitting off to the side… “spfff… I said… keep your worms warm.”
More… Minnesota Guide to Computer Daffynitions
PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas duinr da sno storm.
ENTER: come on in.
WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets below zero.
SCREEN: vhat you gotta fix on da windows during black fly season.
CHIP: vhat ya munch during Vikings’ games.
MICROCHIP: vhat’s left in da bag when da chips are gone. (ed. yes, I am computer illiterate.)
Passover Was Last Week But Don’t You Wonder…
why it took Moses FORTY years to lead the Israelites through the desert. 1. Was it because God was testing the people? 2. Because God really wanted them to appreciate it in the Promised Land (remember, the original exiles all died) 3. Or, did it take so long because Moses refused to ask anybody for directions? Ahh, the male ego at work.
On Changing Lightbulbs...cont’d
* How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to change it and one not to change it.
* How many feminists does it take… One to change it and 15 to form a support group.
* How many real men does it take… None. Real men aren’t afraid of the dark.
Did you hear about…
the snail that got beat up by two turtles? he went to the police and they asked him, “did you get a good look at the turtles who did this?”
No, he said. “It all happened so fast.”
Too many questions – so little time
Why is “abbreviation” such a loooong word?
Why isn’t “phonetic” spelled the way it sounds?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
March 18th, 2008
3-18-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Yes, spring is early this year
“So spring is here,
the grass is ‘ris,
I wonder where
my blanket is.”
And, we could STILL HAVE LATE SNOWFALL
You say your teenage driver doesn’t like to shovel the driveway when it’s over 5 inches?
Just tell them, “You’re welcome to borrow the car… after you shovel the drive.”
A Rochester visitor asks
“Is this a healthy place?”
Native: “I’ll say it is! Why when I cam here I couldn’t speak a word. I hardly had a hair on my head and I wasn’t strong enough to walk across a room. Why, I even had to be lifted out of bed.”
Visitor: “That’s fantastic. How long have you lived here?”
Native: “I was born here.”
If all the cars in the world
were placed end to end, 90% of the drivers will eventually pull out to pass the car ahead. Oh, yes, they’ll make a RIGHT at the next corner (sure happens to me!!).
Did Spring… Spring the Chicks?
Looking for signs of spring the second-grade class was studying pictures fo bird’s nests and baby chicks. A little boy asked, “Teacher, how do the chicks get out of the shell?”
Before the teacher could answer, another boy spoke up, “No sweat! I’ve seen them get out of the shell. What I want to know is, how did they ever get in there.”
Been listening to political ‘sound bites’?
Have you noticed the speeches are a lot like buying a big appliance? There are infinite promises with limited warranties.
And when you put…
the words, “the” and “IRS” together… it spells “Theirs.”
Spring is when a young man’s fancy turns to…
thinking about their beautiful relationship. He decided to pop the question and began thoughtfully, “There comes a time in every man’s life when he requires a companion, one who will look up to him, follow him with devotion and will be at his side when in need. Susan, I need that companion now.”
A smile of understanding lit up her face. “Wonderful,” she exclaimed, “what kind of dog are you going to get?”
Thought for the day
“The tragedy of life doesn’t lie in not reaching your goals. The tragedy lies in not setting a goal to reach.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Yes, spring is early this year
“So spring is here,
the grass is ‘ris,
I wonder where
my blanket is.”
And, we could STILL HAVE LATE SNOWFALL
You say your teenage driver doesn’t like to shovel the driveway when it’s over 5 inches?
Just tell them, “You’re welcome to borrow the car… after you shovel the drive.”
A Rochester visitor asks
“Is this a healthy place?”
Native: “I’ll say it is! Why when I cam here I couldn’t speak a word. I hardly had a hair on my head and I wasn’t strong enough to walk across a room. Why, I even had to be lifted out of bed.”
Visitor: “That’s fantastic. How long have you lived here?”
Native: “I was born here.”
If all the cars in the world
were placed end to end, 90% of the drivers will eventually pull out to pass the car ahead. Oh, yes, they’ll make a RIGHT at the next corner (sure happens to me!!).
Did Spring… Spring the Chicks?
Looking for signs of spring the second-grade class was studying pictures fo bird’s nests and baby chicks. A little boy asked, “Teacher, how do the chicks get out of the shell?”
Before the teacher could answer, another boy spoke up, “No sweat! I’ve seen them get out of the shell. What I want to know is, how did they ever get in there.”
Been listening to political ‘sound bites’?
Have you noticed the speeches are a lot like buying a big appliance? There are infinite promises with limited warranties.
And when you put…
the words, “the” and “IRS” together… it spells “Theirs.”
Spring is when a young man’s fancy turns to…
thinking about their beautiful relationship. He decided to pop the question and began thoughtfully, “There comes a time in every man’s life when he requires a companion, one who will look up to him, follow him with devotion and will be at his side when in need. Susan, I need that companion now.”
A smile of understanding lit up her face. “Wonderful,” she exclaimed, “what kind of dog are you going to get?”
Thought for the day
“The tragedy of life doesn’t lie in not reaching your goals. The tragedy lies in not setting a goal to reach.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
March 11th, 2008
3-11-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
It’s time for both…
Golf is like taxes: You drive hard to get to the green… and you end up in the hole.
Golfer: “How would you have played that shot?”
Caddy: “Under an assumed name.”
Figuring out your income tax is a lesson in addition, subtraction and extraction.
St. Paddy’s Day is the 17th so… Murphy’s Law
- In order to get a loan… you must first prove you don’t need it.
- When a broken appliance is demonstrated for a repairman… it WILL work fine.
- Everyone has a scheme for getting rich… that will ONLY work for them.
- All warranties expire… on the day of the last payment.
And it’s basketball season
The reporter was interviewing the coach.
“Do you like ALL you players to be tall?”
“Well, a player’s height isn’t important to me as long as his ears pop when he sits down.”
You know you’re getting older when…
- You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
- You wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
- You sit down to eat breakfast and hear a snap, crackle, pop… and you’re not eating ceareal.
- You wonder how you could be over the hill. When were you even on top of it?
A clown’s prayer…
As I stumble through this life, help me to create more laughter than tears, dispense more cheer than gloom and spread more cheer than despair.
Never let me become so indifferent that I fail to see the wonder in the eyes of a child or the twinkle in the eyes of the aged.
Never let me forget that my total effort is to cheer people, make them happy and forget momentarily the unpleasantness in their lives.
And, in my final moment, may I hear You whisper, “When you made My creation smile, you make Me smile.” (Smiles Unlimited Clown Ministry) The Editor of this column’s oldest son is National Chaplain.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
It’s time for both…
Golf is like taxes: You drive hard to get to the green… and you end up in the hole.
Golfer: “How would you have played that shot?”
Caddy: “Under an assumed name.”
Figuring out your income tax is a lesson in addition, subtraction and extraction.
St. Paddy’s Day is the 17th so… Murphy’s Law
- In order to get a loan… you must first prove you don’t need it.
- When a broken appliance is demonstrated for a repairman… it WILL work fine.
- Everyone has a scheme for getting rich… that will ONLY work for them.
- All warranties expire… on the day of the last payment.
And it’s basketball season
The reporter was interviewing the coach.
“Do you like ALL you players to be tall?”
“Well, a player’s height isn’t important to me as long as his ears pop when he sits down.”
You know you’re getting older when…
- You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
- You wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
- You sit down to eat breakfast and hear a snap, crackle, pop… and you’re not eating ceareal.
- You wonder how you could be over the hill. When were you even on top of it?
A clown’s prayer…
As I stumble through this life, help me to create more laughter than tears, dispense more cheer than gloom and spread more cheer than despair.
Never let me become so indifferent that I fail to see the wonder in the eyes of a child or the twinkle in the eyes of the aged.
Never let me forget that my total effort is to cheer people, make them happy and forget momentarily the unpleasantness in their lives.
And, in my final moment, may I hear You whisper, “When you made My creation smile, you make Me smile.” (Smiles Unlimited Clown Ministry) The Editor of this column’s oldest son is National Chaplain.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
March 4th, 2008
3-04-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
WHILE TAKING HER FIRST DRIVING LESSON…
the older lady complained to the instructor “This little mirror up here just isn’t right.”
“What’s wrong with it, Mrs. Jones?”
“Well, I just can’t see a think in it… except that car following me.”
---
NOW, THE TEEN-AGED DRIVER…
was always asking his parents if he could borrow the family car.
Pushed to the limit, his Dad shot back, “why do you think the Almighty gave you two feet?”
Without hesitation the son replied, “How about breaks and acceleration?”
---
SO, THE MALE MOTORIST SUDDENLY STOPPED…
as the light changed to yellow. His rear bumper got bumped by the close following car. He got out and, seeing there wasn’t too much damage, glared at the man driving the other car, climbed back in and drove off.
At the next light, the same thing happened caused by the same driver. This time he apologized and held out his driver’s license.
“Look,” the victim said. “All I want from you is to give me a five minute head start.”
---
FOR THE “SIZE CHALLENGED”…
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are “XL”? Doesn’t stand for “Energy Center” either.
---
AND BACK TO DRIVING…
A person is trying to find a place to park, and, after 20 minutes circling the black, parks illegally leaving a note under his car windshield wiper reading: “I have circled this block for 20 minutes. I am late for a meeting and if I don’t park here… now, I will lose my job. ‘Forgive us our trespasses!”
When the person returned he found a ticket accompanied by a return note: “I have circled this block for 20 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I will lose my job. ‘Lead us not into temptation.’”
---
AN ‘INTERNATIONAL’ FUNNY PUNNY…
Have you heard about the latest trouble near Turkey? Well, a group of people, the Kurds, want to have their own country, Kurdistan.
Unfortunately, Turkey isn’t willing to give them the land. Result? The ‘Curds’ won’t get their ‘whey.’ (Apology to Little Miss Muffet.)
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
WHILE TAKING HER FIRST DRIVING LESSON…
the older lady complained to the instructor “This little mirror up here just isn’t right.”
“What’s wrong with it, Mrs. Jones?”
“Well, I just can’t see a think in it… except that car following me.”
---
NOW, THE TEEN-AGED DRIVER…
was always asking his parents if he could borrow the family car.
Pushed to the limit, his Dad shot back, “why do you think the Almighty gave you two feet?”
Without hesitation the son replied, “How about breaks and acceleration?”
---
SO, THE MALE MOTORIST SUDDENLY STOPPED…
as the light changed to yellow. His rear bumper got bumped by the close following car. He got out and, seeing there wasn’t too much damage, glared at the man driving the other car, climbed back in and drove off.
At the next light, the same thing happened caused by the same driver. This time he apologized and held out his driver’s license.
“Look,” the victim said. “All I want from you is to give me a five minute head start.”
---
FOR THE “SIZE CHALLENGED”…
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are “XL”? Doesn’t stand for “Energy Center” either.
---
AND BACK TO DRIVING…
A person is trying to find a place to park, and, after 20 minutes circling the black, parks illegally leaving a note under his car windshield wiper reading: “I have circled this block for 20 minutes. I am late for a meeting and if I don’t park here… now, I will lose my job. ‘Forgive us our trespasses!”
When the person returned he found a ticket accompanied by a return note: “I have circled this block for 20 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I will lose my job. ‘Lead us not into temptation.’”
---
AN ‘INTERNATIONAL’ FUNNY PUNNY…
Have you heard about the latest trouble near Turkey? Well, a group of people, the Kurds, want to have their own country, Kurdistan.
Unfortunately, Turkey isn’t willing to give them the land. Result? The ‘Curds’ won’t get their ‘whey.’ (Apology to Little Miss Muffet.)
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
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