1-22-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
And from the sidelines…
“Coach, do you like ALL your players to be tall?”
“Listen, a player’s height isn’t important to me as long as his ears pop when he sits down.”
---
(Jan. 19-25 is PRE-spring Millinery week)
“What’s the matter with your wife? She looks all shook up.”
“She just had a big shock.”
“That’s too bad. What happened?”
“Well, she made the mistake of wearing her new $50 hat while she was working at the church rummage sale. She laid it down for a minute and somebody sold it for .25 cents.”
---
When the lights go on again…
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But, only if the light bulb wants to change.
How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they merely change the standard to ‘darkness’ then upgrade the… customers (then Rochester Public Utilities gets upset).
---
A pun is its own reward…
+ A pessimist’s blood type is always B-negative.
+ A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
+ Does the name Pavlov always ring a bell?
+ When two egotists meet it’s an I for an I.
---
A Red Skelton Quote…
“I live by this credo: Have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations. Even in your darkest moment, you usually can find something to laugh about if you try hard enough. If I can make people laugh, then I have served my purpose in living… God.”
---
Found in the classified section…
1. “Attractive kitten seeks position purring in a nice little girl’s lap.”
2. “Will the party who picked up the black cocker spaniel puppy Friday on Main Street either return him or back for the heart-broken four-year-old he belongs to.”
3. For sale: Diamonds - $3 each; microscope - $2.75. (Yes, the former ARE chips.)
4. Wanted: smart young lady to act as deceptionist.
5. For sale: modern house with 4 bedrooms, 3 baths and a rumpus room. EXTRA attraction family net door is building a huge swimming pool… with slide.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
January 15th, 2008
1-15-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Ole and Lars went ice fishing for the first time. When Ole got home, Lena asked how it went. “Vel, it vent goot… after we spent three hours chopping a hole in the lake BIG enough to get our boat in.”
---
A man was looking for a likely spot to drill a hole for ice fishing. Finally, he stopped, pulled his auger off the sled and had just started to drill when a booming voice from above said, “There aren’t any fish there.” The man stopped drilling, looked up and said, “Are you God?” The voice replied, “No, I’m the rink manager.”
---
The mother walked into the bathroom and found her young son trying to bandage a finger. “Johnny,” she cried, “What have you done to your finger?”
“I hit it with a hammer,” he replied.
“But I didn’t hear you crying,” she said, surprised.
“No,” came the bland reply, “I thought you were outside.”
---
Joe still turned around to admire young women when he turned 80. When his wife was asked if she minded, she replied: “Why should I be upset? Dog’s chase cars, but they don’t know what to do when they catch them.”
---
So what’s the Rx?
Does a doctor, doctor a doctor according to a doctoral doctor’s doctrine… or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor the OTHER doctors to his own doctoring doctrine.
---
A lady tourist in Florida was admiring the Indian’s necklace. “What are those things,” she asked.
“Alligator’s teeth,” he replied. After recovering her composure, she said, “Well, I suppose they would hold the same value for you as pearls do for me.”
“Not quite,” he answered.
“Anybody can open an oyster.”
---
George is certainly a confident cuss,” he said, describing a braggart.
“But it is nice to see him believe in himself, especially since some people believe in NO god at all.”
---
GOD SPEAK!!! Have you seen any of those billboards… signed by God. Some are:
“What part of ‘Thou Shalt Not’ don’t you understand?”
“Keep using my name in vain and I’ll make your rush hour longer.”
“Think… It’s hot in here?”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Ole and Lars went ice fishing for the first time. When Ole got home, Lena asked how it went. “Vel, it vent goot… after we spent three hours chopping a hole in the lake BIG enough to get our boat in.”
---
A man was looking for a likely spot to drill a hole for ice fishing. Finally, he stopped, pulled his auger off the sled and had just started to drill when a booming voice from above said, “There aren’t any fish there.” The man stopped drilling, looked up and said, “Are you God?” The voice replied, “No, I’m the rink manager.”
---
The mother walked into the bathroom and found her young son trying to bandage a finger. “Johnny,” she cried, “What have you done to your finger?”
“I hit it with a hammer,” he replied.
“But I didn’t hear you crying,” she said, surprised.
“No,” came the bland reply, “I thought you were outside.”
---
Joe still turned around to admire young women when he turned 80. When his wife was asked if she minded, she replied: “Why should I be upset? Dog’s chase cars, but they don’t know what to do when they catch them.”
---
So what’s the Rx?
Does a doctor, doctor a doctor according to a doctoral doctor’s doctrine… or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor the OTHER doctors to his own doctoring doctrine.
---
A lady tourist in Florida was admiring the Indian’s necklace. “What are those things,” she asked.
“Alligator’s teeth,” he replied. After recovering her composure, she said, “Well, I suppose they would hold the same value for you as pearls do for me.”
“Not quite,” he answered.
“Anybody can open an oyster.”
---
George is certainly a confident cuss,” he said, describing a braggart.
“But it is nice to see him believe in himself, especially since some people believe in NO god at all.”
---
GOD SPEAK!!! Have you seen any of those billboards… signed by God. Some are:
“What part of ‘Thou Shalt Not’ don’t you understand?”
“Keep using my name in vain and I’ll make your rush hour longer.”
“Think… It’s hot in here?”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
January 8th, 2008
1-8-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Dad was reading another fairy tale to little Johnny when the boy suddenly interrupted. “Dad, do ALL these stories begin with, ‘Once upon a time?”
“No son,” replied the father, “A whole bunch begin with the words, ‘If elected, I promise....”
---
Airline procedures have become more complicated in the past 90 some years. Still, one thing hasn’t changed. On their historic flight, Orville got a seat… Wilbur was on standby.
December and January both have 31 days. How many months have 28 days? … all of them.
---
Did your New Year’s resolutions include “weight loss?” Dieting alone won’t help so I suggest these strenuous “exercises.” The per-hour calorie consumption rates of some common activities:
Beating around the bush – 75 cal.
Jumping to conclusions – 100 cal.
Climbing the walls – 150 cal.
Swallowing your pride – 50 cal.
Passing the buck – 25 cal.
Throwing your weight around – 50-300 cal.
Dragging your heels – 100 cal.
Bending over backward – 50 cal.
Pressing your luck – 75 cal.
Running around in circles – 350 cal.
Climbing the ladder of success – 750 cal.
---
A theatre-goer was greatly annoyed by the woman in front who was talking constantly. Finally he complained, “Hey, I can’t hear anything!” The woman responded, “Well, I wasn’t talking to you.”
---
An expensive parrot was purchased by a man who placed it in a cage in the kitchen. Each morning the man came in to fix breakfast, he spoke to the bird nicely in hopes the parrot would start to talk. Cheerfully he would say, “Good morning! How are you?”
The bird refused to respond. It even looked away when it saw the man coming.
After many weeks, the man became discouraged. The next morning, he walked right to the cage, but without his usual greeting. The bird looked at him and said, “Well, well! So what’s your big problem this morning?”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Dad was reading another fairy tale to little Johnny when the boy suddenly interrupted. “Dad, do ALL these stories begin with, ‘Once upon a time?”
“No son,” replied the father, “A whole bunch begin with the words, ‘If elected, I promise....”
---
Airline procedures have become more complicated in the past 90 some years. Still, one thing hasn’t changed. On their historic flight, Orville got a seat… Wilbur was on standby.
December and January both have 31 days. How many months have 28 days? … all of them.
---
Did your New Year’s resolutions include “weight loss?” Dieting alone won’t help so I suggest these strenuous “exercises.” The per-hour calorie consumption rates of some common activities:
Beating around the bush – 75 cal.
Jumping to conclusions – 100 cal.
Climbing the walls – 150 cal.
Swallowing your pride – 50 cal.
Passing the buck – 25 cal.
Throwing your weight around – 50-300 cal.
Dragging your heels – 100 cal.
Bending over backward – 50 cal.
Pressing your luck – 75 cal.
Running around in circles – 350 cal.
Climbing the ladder of success – 750 cal.
---
A theatre-goer was greatly annoyed by the woman in front who was talking constantly. Finally he complained, “Hey, I can’t hear anything!” The woman responded, “Well, I wasn’t talking to you.”
---
An expensive parrot was purchased by a man who placed it in a cage in the kitchen. Each morning the man came in to fix breakfast, he spoke to the bird nicely in hopes the parrot would start to talk. Cheerfully he would say, “Good morning! How are you?”
The bird refused to respond. It even looked away when it saw the man coming.
After many weeks, the man became discouraged. The next morning, he walked right to the cage, but without his usual greeting. The bird looked at him and said, “Well, well! So what’s your big problem this morning?”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
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