2-29-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Did you hear about the teacher who…
was arrested while trying to board an airplane with a compass, a protractor and a calculator? he was charged with carrying weapons of mass instruction.
---
A Lenten self-exam
To understand yourself…use your head.
To understand others… use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
Beautiful young people are an act of nature, but beautiful old people are a work of art.
---
You know you’re getting old when…
* you tell people on your birthday that, like Jack Benny, you’re always 39… and nobody knows who Benny was.
* you wake up at 3 a.m. to use the bathroom and check your emails on the way back to bed.
* you’ve learned that being kind is more important than being right.
---
Any ol Leonardo will do…
A third grader excitedly walked up to the media center advisor,
“Do you have any books about Leonardo DiCaprio?”
Mrs. Hall replied, “Oh, that heartthrob from Titanic? No, I’m sorry.”
“Well, where are the biographies please. Maybe I can find something.”
After searching the shelves, the third grader returned to report.
“Guess this will have to do,” as she sadly showed the book cover of her second choice: Leonardo Da Vinci.
---
Insight… if needed
* Depression is merely anger… without enthusiasm.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left before we met.
* When everything’s coming your way… you’re in the wrong lane.
---
Practice makes purrrfect
A young salesman was looking very depressed the second day on the job.
“Come on, don’t be so glum his manager said. “Don’t worry, with experience you’ll gt the hang of it. Did you practice that fantastic sales pitch I gave you yesterday?”
“That’s the problem,” said the young salesman, “I practiced on my drive home, then gave the pitch to my wife.”
“So what did you think of your presentation,” asked the manager.
“Well… after practicing my sales pitch on her, I’ve got to buy HER a $500 vacuum cleaner.
---
Abraham Lincoln
“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
February 22nd, 2008
2-22-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Little George Washington said to his Father, “If I never tell a lie, how can I grow up to be president?”
---
How Strange…
Abraham Lincoln walked 8 miles to borrow a book. Now, they close the library on Presidents Day.
---
And for Valentine’s Day…
To her date: “Isn’t this romantic? This is just like Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. My Dad hates you.”
---
Cupid’s arrow hit twice…
As the little boy came home from school and asked his mother, “I got Valentine’s cards from TWO girls. Is that against the law?”
---
What’s a minute worth???
A constituent called his congressman and asked, “How long does it take the government to spend 10 billion dollars?”
The congressman, who was busy on another line, said, “Just a minute.”
The constituent replied, “That’s what I thought,” and hung up.
---
What a shocking development!!!
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe and one to put the alarm clock in the bathtub.
How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but they have to do it while you eat dinner.
---
And a flush beats a dog’s full house?
A tourist goes into a café and there’s a dog sitting in a chair playing poker. He says to the waitress, “Is that dog really playing poker?”
She replied, “Yes, but he’s not too good. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts to wag his tail.”
---
Part one: A Minnesotan guide to computer lingo
Log on: makin da vood stove hotter
Log off: don’t add no more vood.
Monitor: keep an eye on da vood stove.
Megahertz: vend a big log drops on your bare voot in da morning.
Ram: da hydraulic thing dat makes da voodsplitter work.
Hard Drive: getting home during most of the winter.
(computer geeks are welcome to add daffynitions) Note: your editor is illiterate in THIS language.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
Little George Washington said to his Father, “If I never tell a lie, how can I grow up to be president?”
---
How Strange…
Abraham Lincoln walked 8 miles to borrow a book. Now, they close the library on Presidents Day.
---
And for Valentine’s Day…
To her date: “Isn’t this romantic? This is just like Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. My Dad hates you.”
---
Cupid’s arrow hit twice…
As the little boy came home from school and asked his mother, “I got Valentine’s cards from TWO girls. Is that against the law?”
---
What’s a minute worth???
A constituent called his congressman and asked, “How long does it take the government to spend 10 billion dollars?”
The congressman, who was busy on another line, said, “Just a minute.”
The constituent replied, “That’s what I thought,” and hung up.
---
What a shocking development!!!
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe and one to put the alarm clock in the bathtub.
How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but they have to do it while you eat dinner.
---
And a flush beats a dog’s full house?
A tourist goes into a café and there’s a dog sitting in a chair playing poker. He says to the waitress, “Is that dog really playing poker?”
She replied, “Yes, but he’s not too good. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts to wag his tail.”
---
Part one: A Minnesotan guide to computer lingo
Log on: makin da vood stove hotter
Log off: don’t add no more vood.
Monitor: keep an eye on da vood stove.
Megahertz: vend a big log drops on your bare voot in da morning.
Ram: da hydraulic thing dat makes da voodsplitter work.
Hard Drive: getting home during most of the winter.
(computer geeks are welcome to add daffynitions) Note: your editor is illiterate in THIS language.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
February 12th, 2008
2-12-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
‘Can Hardly Wait…
“Madame fortune teller, tell me, are there golf courses in heaven?”
“I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”
“What’s the good news?
“The good news is that the golf courses in heaven are beautiful beyond anything you could imagine!”
“That’s wonderful.”
“…And you’ll be teeing off at 8:30 tomorrow morning.”
---
How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
Two – one to change it and one not to change it.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A light bulb? None – that’s a software problem.
How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes 10 years.
---
The Big Heart-Shaped Valentine Box…
A box of candy was left at the door of the 7-year old girl by her admirer. The note attached said, “To Susan, with all my allowance…”
---
‘Much Snow in the Driveway?
The best device for clearing it is a 17-year-old who needs the car for a date.
---
Classified Classics
Help wanted: “We don’t want the people who swim with sharks. We want the sharks.
For sale: “Stair-stepper with exercise video. Equiptment new, owner old.”
Notice: “Heaven-sent Nursing Service is now under new management.”
---
The Rest of the Story…
The Sunday School teacher had on a pretty new dress and ALL the 5-year-olds gave their approval… except for Mary. Finally, she remarked thoughtfully: “We had to bring pennies lots of Sundays before you could buy it, right, Mrs. Smith?”
---
What they didn’t know but…
The elderly (and wealthy) man had a hearing problem known to all. So he went to a specialist and purchased a hearing aid. In a few weeks, he went back to have an adjustment made and was asked how his family felt about it.
“Well I never told them I got a hearing aid. I just sat and listened. So far I’ve changed my will three times.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
‘Can Hardly Wait…
“Madame fortune teller, tell me, are there golf courses in heaven?”
“I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”
“What’s the good news?
“The good news is that the golf courses in heaven are beautiful beyond anything you could imagine!”
“That’s wonderful.”
“…And you’ll be teeing off at 8:30 tomorrow morning.”
---
How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
Two – one to change it and one not to change it.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A light bulb? None – that’s a software problem.
How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes 10 years.
---
The Big Heart-Shaped Valentine Box…
A box of candy was left at the door of the 7-year old girl by her admirer. The note attached said, “To Susan, with all my allowance…”
---
‘Much Snow in the Driveway?
The best device for clearing it is a 17-year-old who needs the car for a date.
---
Classified Classics
Help wanted: “We don’t want the people who swim with sharks. We want the sharks.
For sale: “Stair-stepper with exercise video. Equiptment new, owner old.”
Notice: “Heaven-sent Nursing Service is now under new management.”
---
The Rest of the Story…
The Sunday School teacher had on a pretty new dress and ALL the 5-year-olds gave their approval… except for Mary. Finally, she remarked thoughtfully: “We had to bring pennies lots of Sundays before you could buy it, right, Mrs. Smith?”
---
What they didn’t know but…
The elderly (and wealthy) man had a hearing problem known to all. So he went to a specialist and purchased a hearing aid. In a few weeks, he went back to have an adjustment made and was asked how his family felt about it.
“Well I never told them I got a hearing aid. I just sat and listened. So far I’ve changed my will three times.”
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
February 5th, 2008
2-05-08
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
The sky’s the limit…
An ardent young man sent an email to his sweatheart in the next town. It said in part: “My love for you is so great! For you, I would swim the deepest river; for you, I would climb the highest mountain, dash through fire, or fight wild beasts. I would do all of this, for you.”
P.S. “If it doesn’t snow, I’ll be over about 7:00 Saturday night.”
---
Real Kid Talk…
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“One brother.”
“How many would you like to have?”
“Three sisters and three brothers.”
What do your mother and dad say when you tell them that?”
“Nothing. They just sit and laugh.”
And…
“Any brothers or sisters?”
“No.”
“Which would you like to have?”
“A sister.”
“Why?”
“Because she could make the beds, do the dishes and run errands for me.”
“You don’t want a sister… you want a slave.”
“Yes, that’s right.”
---
National Beauty Salon Week (Feb. 9th)
Woman one: “She’s a decided blonde, isn’t she?”
Woman two: “Yes, but she only decided recently.”
---
When the guest speaker asked the MC how long to speak, he was told to watch for audience response. “If you haven’t struck oil in five minutes,” said the MC “quit boring.”
---
A Valentine Mood…
Do you carrot all for me? My heart beets for you.
With your turnip hair and your radish hair, you’re a peach.
If we cantaloupe, lettuce marry.
We’ll make a great pear.
---
Style or substance?...
Policeman: “Did you get the license number of the car that hit your car, madam?
Woman: “No, but the driver was wearing a three-piece tweed suit lined with pink crepe.
Oh, and she hadon a periwinkle hat trimmed with red roses.”
---
Getting your money’s worth…
The repairman came in to fix a very complex computer. He made some tests, checked it over, pulled out a screwdriver, found a certain small crew and turned it an eighth of an inch.
The unit started to hum.
The repairman made out a bill for $300 and handed it to the accountant.
He huffed and said, “$300 is sure a lot for a simple repair.”
In response, the repairman drew up a new bill: Turning a screw 1/8 inch to the right - $.50.
Knowing which screw to turn which way - $299.50.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
Time To Chuckle
By: Jerry Barnhart
The sky’s the limit…
An ardent young man sent an email to his sweatheart in the next town. It said in part: “My love for you is so great! For you, I would swim the deepest river; for you, I would climb the highest mountain, dash through fire, or fight wild beasts. I would do all of this, for you.”
P.S. “If it doesn’t snow, I’ll be over about 7:00 Saturday night.”
---
Real Kid Talk…
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“One brother.”
“How many would you like to have?”
“Three sisters and three brothers.”
What do your mother and dad say when you tell them that?”
“Nothing. They just sit and laugh.”
And…
“Any brothers or sisters?”
“No.”
“Which would you like to have?”
“A sister.”
“Why?”
“Because she could make the beds, do the dishes and run errands for me.”
“You don’t want a sister… you want a slave.”
“Yes, that’s right.”
---
National Beauty Salon Week (Feb. 9th)
Woman one: “She’s a decided blonde, isn’t she?”
Woman two: “Yes, but she only decided recently.”
---
When the guest speaker asked the MC how long to speak, he was told to watch for audience response. “If you haven’t struck oil in five minutes,” said the MC “quit boring.”
---
A Valentine Mood…
Do you carrot all for me? My heart beets for you.
With your turnip hair and your radish hair, you’re a peach.
If we cantaloupe, lettuce marry.
We’ll make a great pear.
---
Style or substance?...
Policeman: “Did you get the license number of the car that hit your car, madam?
Woman: “No, but the driver was wearing a three-piece tweed suit lined with pink crepe.
Oh, and she hadon a periwinkle hat trimmed with red roses.”
---
Getting your money’s worth…
The repairman came in to fix a very complex computer. He made some tests, checked it over, pulled out a screwdriver, found a certain small crew and turned it an eighth of an inch.
The unit started to hum.
The repairman made out a bill for $300 and handed it to the accountant.
He huffed and said, “$300 is sure a lot for a simple repair.”
In response, the repairman drew up a new bill: Turning a screw 1/8 inch to the right - $.50.
Knowing which screw to turn which way - $299.50.
Have a joke for Jerry? Send us your favorite joke and Jerry will choose his favorite for publication. Send jokes to:
Attn: Time To Chuckle
The Rochester Buyer’s Guide & Community News
515 Rocky Creek Dr. NE
Rochester, MN 55906
‘Time To Chuckle’ contributor, Jerry Barnhart, is the founder & producer of “Vet’s Visits” on T.V. “Vet’s Visits” airs Monday through Sunday 6-8 am & Monday through Thursday at 6 pm on Cable Access Channel 10 in Rochester.
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